Jul 29 2010

Overly neat beards!

Published by at 3:44 am under Jerks,Why?!?

neatly groomed beard

Much like its cousins, the line beard and the soul patch, the overly trimmed beard makes me feel uneasy. There’s just something about them that says “I have secrets. I have a secret box in a secret room where I keep my secret things. Keep the fuck away from my secret box in my secret room!”

If you are planning a beard-watching vacation anytime soon might I suggest our southern states if you want to check “The Kenny Rogers” off your beard list. A good place to start is near a church or a store that sells jorts. But really, your best bet is to attend any Blue Collar Comedy Tour event. Your beardless head will spin from all the neatly trimmed beards and goatees within reach. Fight the urge to pet these magnificent creatures however! They may seem soft and cuddly but don’t forget about the box of secrets!

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32 comments so far

32 comments to “Overly neat beards!”

  1. Jeffon 29 Jul 2010 at 5:11 am

    heh – you’ll like the ads for Ruud & Rye razors then

    http://www.advertolog.com/ruud-rye/print-outdoor/

    “Babysitter” and “TV Repair man” especially

  2. You Just Made My List!on 29 Jul 2010 at 8:29 am

    Jeff – Nightmares.

  3. Erinon 29 Jul 2010 at 11:09 am

    Wow Listy, thanks for posting a picture of yourself… now I can finally put a face to the posts.

  4. Ericaon 29 Jul 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Any man who takes a nail scissors out to trim his beard is also trimming his pubes, anal hair, armpit hair…probably to entice his niece into the basement.

    Totally agree on this one Listy!!! Give me a huge bushy ZZ Top like beard any day. Men with those beards are like “Fuck it! I am bat shit crazy and wearin it!!”

  5. calebon 29 Jul 2010 at 2:11 pm

    i tend to agree with you, but there is one exception – James Lipton. that beard is awesome simply because it’s on James Lipton’s face.

  6. saraon 29 Jul 2010 at 2:15 pm

    I believe that James Lipton’s beard is its own entity. the face is just attached, like a barnacle.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 29 Jul 2010 at 2:39 pm

    James Lipton = Box of secrets

  8. Paul from Saint Paulon 29 Jul 2010 at 5:59 pm

    I am reviewing season three of Arrested Development and have a newfound appreciation for James Lipton’s beard. I never want to see inside that box of secrets, though. Ever.

  9. Jayon 29 Jul 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Speaking of Arrested Development, I could see some men with this type of beard suffering from “nevernude” syndrome, just like Tobias. That would be something to keep in their box of secrets.

  10. Paul from Saint Paulon 29 Jul 2010 at 7:31 pm

    And Listman already has the jorts link right here. All you need are some scissors to cut them down to super shorty-short size and you’re ready for a shower à la Tobias!

  11. Ericaon 29 Jul 2010 at 9:08 pm

    Oh ugh…I just looked at the link for “Jorts”…fuck. Now I am picturing that dude with the beard in his jorts and fanny pack…(vomiting)

    Arrested Development is so fucking overrated…sorry.

  12. You Just Made My List!on 29 Jul 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Erica – You are insane! Arrested Development is probably the funniest show ever.

  13. JBon 29 Jul 2010 at 10:48 pm

    Listy,

    I wanted to email this to you but I don’t know your email. I think this contraption deserves an entry on your list. I’m living in Mexico right now and I turned on the television one morning and saw this piece of “exercise equipment”.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fULwadqWc4Y

  14. Ericaon 29 Jul 2010 at 11:11 pm

    Listy – let’s agree to disagree on the AD thing. If you want a truly witty, intelligent TV try “The League of Gentlemen”…

  15. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 8:24 am

    JB – INCREDIBLE! I think you might see this on my list very soon. Thanks!

  16. calebon 30 Jul 2010 at 9:13 am

    @Erica – while i don’t agree with you about AD, i DO agree with you about The League Of Gentlemen. I also love Black Books, and Spaced. though they are both quite a bit lighter in tone than The League…

  17. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 9:20 am

    Have not seen League of Gentlemen yet but I do like Spaced.

  18. calebon 30 Jul 2010 at 9:23 am

    Listy – you have GOT to see Black Books also. it’s basically considered a sister series to Spaced since it features a lot of the same actors. the main character Bernard Black (Dylan Moran) is just as hilariously misanthropic as you are! you will love it. p.s. – it’s on Hulu.

  19. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 9:28 am

    Cool, I’ll check it out.

  20. Ericaon 30 Jul 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Wow, Listy…you need to get rolling on the UK TV shows! They are insanely better than our shit TV here in the states.

    LIST of SHOWS YOU MUST SEE:

    The League of Gentlemen
    Psychoville
    Black Books
    The IT Crowd
    Spaced
    The Office (the UK version!!!)
    I’m Alan Partridge
    Ideal
    Red Dwarf
    The Thick of It

    My list could go on and on. Oh and the US steals all their ideas from the UK anyways so you will see some themes you thought were original to the US in these shows.

  21. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Erica – Oh, don’t worry, I’m all over British TV. I would also add The Young Ones to your list.

  22. Ericaon 30 Jul 2010 at 4:00 pm

    Listy – then how have you possibly missed The League? Go buy the complete DVD set immediately!!! 🙂 The next show two members of The League put out is Psychoville. Also amazing! The Young Ones is classic…I love Adrian Edmondson.

    Oh and I forgot to add Only Fools and Horses too…

  23. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 5:35 pm

    I know, there are too many good shows out there!

  24. calebon 30 Jul 2010 at 8:44 pm

    oh yeah, The Young Ones is classic! and Blackadder! and A Bit of Fry and Laurie! and heck, i even love The Thin Blue Line!

  25. calebon 30 Jul 2010 at 11:55 pm

    sorry for shouting! i’ve been drinking! p.s. i just watched a fantastic documentary about Joy Division you may enjoy – http://www.hulu.com/watch/157858/joy-division

  26. Ericaon 31 Jul 2010 at 2:13 am

    Caleb – your name belies your wisdom! 🙂 We forgot The Vicar of Dibley, One Foot in the Grave, Still Game…christ the list could go on forever…

  27. calebon 31 Jul 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Erica – Marry me? 😛

  28. Ericaon 31 Jul 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Caleb -…if I wasn’t already married…hmmm….:)

  29. calebon 31 Jul 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Erica – well it was worth a shot 🙂

  30. Albatrosson 11 Oct 2012 at 10:20 pm

    As the person pictured in this article, I have to commend you on your absolutely accurate summation of my personality. You are absolutely right. I am a deeply, deeply secretive fuck. I don’t just have secrets in a secret box in a secret room, the box and the room and the secrets are in a secret city on a secret planet in a secret universe, guarded by a secret god. It’s called Tekumel, and the god’s name is Ksarul, and if you try to go ANYWHERE near my box, he and his demonic minions will wake from their eternal slumber and do things with the five parts of your soul that will.. well suffice to say it won’t be nice. You’ve heard of C’thulhu? Yog Sothoth? Hastur? Amateurs. The Book of Ebon Bindings alone contains summonings and rituals that would make Yig vomit himself inside-out.

    By the way? My greying fifty-year-old junk is even more neatly sculpted, in mind-blowing arcane patterns and eye-twisting lines. Make of that what you will, but you swiped my picture to mock me and I leave you with a mental image of my old-man genitalia.

    Victory: mine.

  31. You Just Made My List!on 11 Oct 2012 at 11:02 pm

    I rest my case.

  32. Joion 22 Jan 2013 at 9:00 pm

    # Albatross…nice pic :q Mmmm..yes, very nice.