Jul 30 2010

Lisa Lampanelli!

Published by at 3:45 am under Jerks

lisa lampanelli sucks

You know how at the age of 10 we would all fill in Mad Libs with witty and intelligent responses like “farty” and “boobs” and “bloody tampon?” Well, we were all infinitely funnier than Lisa Lampanelli and her lazy insult “comedy.”

In fact, constructing a Lisa Lampanelli “joke” is not unlike filling out a Mad Lib. You simply need to follow this boring formula…

“You sir, in the front row, what are you a fuckin’ [racist ethnic term]? Is that [derogatory term for a woman] your date? You’re a lucky lady, I want to bang your [racist ethnic term] boyfriend because after we [overly shocking sexual activity] he will [commit a stereotypical ethnic crime]. Oh sorry, you don’t like it, I hope you get [fatal medical condition].”

Genius!

Fans of this hack will argue that I’m “overly sensitive” and “too politically correct” but the truth is I gravitate to offensive fringe comedians and it’s not easy to offend or shock me. Shocking is great as long it’s FUNNY! In fact the only thing shocking about Lisa Lampanelli is how utterly unfunny she is. She has got to be one of the least clever comedians in the history of comedy.

I would sit through 100 Carrot Top shows before I would endure even five minutes of this tedious bore. I would rather spend a night in Las Vegas with Guy Fieri declaring everything he sees is “money” than allow even one more farty joke from that bloody tampon to enter my boobs.

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48 comments so far

48 comments to “Lisa Lampanelli!”

  1. Jim Joneson 30 Jul 2010 at 6:32 am

    She is a very nasty… I can’t even think of a word to describe her! She is definitely not funny, which makes me wonder why the fuck does Comedy Central waste money on this whore and why is she roasting The Hoff?

  2. saraon 30 Jul 2010 at 7:30 am

    They’re roasting the Hoff! I hope they play that video of him eating the cheesburger off the floor in between every segment….with Night Rider music in the background

  3. Toshaon 30 Jul 2010 at 8:52 am

    A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender says, “Are you sure I can’t get you something a little stronger?” The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, dunks it in the water, and says, “No thanks, I’m just going to have some tea.”

    Bah ha ha ha favorite joke of all time.

    You’re right though she’s kind of abrasive. Not very lady like!

  4. Paul from Saint Paulon 30 Jul 2010 at 9:04 am

    I am purchasing a Carrot Top stand-up video at this moment. You will watch this 100 times under supervision. I have already arranged for proctors. They will be drunk. Or we can go with a five-minute YouTube clip of Lisa Lampanelli. Hey, Carrot Top did make a cameo appearance on Between Two Ferns.

  5. Paul from Saint Paulon 30 Jul 2010 at 9:08 am

    Sara – that Hoff cheeseburger video is one of my all-time favorite celebrity moments. It deserves a roast narration by someone infinitely more qualified, perhaps James Lipton, who is still plaguing my thoughts after yesterday’s beard discussion. Or maybe Charo. I want a play-by-play from her on his attempts at eating and talking.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 9:08 am

    Tosha – I don’t mind abrasive, it just has to be also be funny.

    Paul – OK, let’s do this thing. Are you going to prop my eyes open like in Clockwork Orange?

  7. Amanda Cateon 30 Jul 2010 at 9:09 am

    Holy shit, out of nowhere yesterday I was thinking about how much I can’t stand her. I also hate Chelsea Handler and Sarah Silverman for different reasons but Lisa Lampanelli takes the goddamn cake. And she obviously eats it too……. http://instantrimshot.com/

  8. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 9:21 am

    Sara – Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that your idea is brilliant. Can someone with free time please make it happen and post it on youtube?

  9. SanFranon 30 Jul 2010 at 9:59 am

    If not for you, I’d never even know of the various blights to affect our society at large.

    Comedy routines is a weird thing for me – in person, a good stand-up act (good, meaning smart & current) is a fun hour or so, but I just can’t get into watching or listening to them as a recording. I think the audience at-large is an important factor, like telling me when to guffaw, because otherwise I’d be lost.

    Someone has to tell me when to reply here, actually. Otherwise, I’d just sit here in a cryonic torpor, blissfully unaware.

    Oh, so what’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina?

    …only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina…

  10. SanFranon 30 Jul 2010 at 10:00 am

    One other thing: the last ‘comedy’ recording I owned was Andrew Dice Clay, on audio cassette, when it was released.

    Hickory Dickory Dock

  11. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 10:07 am

    (Andrew Dice Clay voice) OOOOOHHHHHHH!

    Amanda – Agreed on Chelsea Handler but disagree on Sarah Silverman.

  12. Amanda Cateon 30 Jul 2010 at 10:20 am

    I’m not surprised you disagree, I always get read the riot act for disliking her and it’s always from guys. I’m not a fan of today’s female comedians in general, I guess.

    There’s a new Between Two Ferns, by the way. Not sure if you’ve seen it yet. Zach’s guest is Steve Carell.

  13. Andraon 30 Jul 2010 at 10:42 am

    I have never watched more than about 30 seconds of a Lisa Lamp. act but what I have seen looks ridiculous. As usual I will take your never failing word for it.

    Sarah Silverman- her show never impressed me but after seeing her pop in on Real Time with Bill Mahr I became a fan. She is one of those people that the less funny she tries to be the more funny she is.

  14. Yours Trulyon 30 Jul 2010 at 2:06 pm

    ARRRGHHH She should be shot into the sun along with Dane Cook and Lewis Black.

    If the three of them teamed up to make a “comedy” show, it would probably be as funny as The Simpsons currently is.

  15. Ericaon 30 Jul 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Yes, one of the most overrated comics of all time! Also included in that list are: (I am making a lot of lists on this lists page Listy!!)

    Sarah Silverman – ugly fucking cunt
    Chelsea Handler – attractive fucking cunt
    Lewis Black – does he have seizure disorder? Awful.
    Jeff Dunham – he is the biggest fucking racist piece of shit alive. FUCK HIM.
    Andrew Dice Clay – he wears fucking Cazals…enuff said!
    Dane Cook – too easy.

    I would rather watch Henny Youngman with his fucking violin for a billion years than these fuckers! Take my wife…please!!!!

  16. kiddaon 30 Jul 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Have you tried Frankie Boyle

    Not saying these are the most offensive I’ve heard him and I haven’t listened through it yet, it was just at the top on a youtube search

  17. kiddaon 30 Jul 2010 at 6:09 pm

    oh, link

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2G_01T-CHI

  18. rachelon 30 Jul 2010 at 7:40 pm

    one word. GALLAGHER.

  19. Jeffon 31 Jul 2010 at 9:14 am

    I saw Gallagher about 5 years ago strolling up 7th Avenue in NYC.

    He was wearing what looked like a typical “I ♥ NY” t-shirt but instead of a ♥ there was a little watermelon.

    Pretty damn funny if you ask me!

  20. You Just Made My List!on 31 Jul 2010 at 9:32 am

    Jeff, are you sure it wasn’t his evil younger brother?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallagher_%28comedian%29

  21. calebon 31 Jul 2010 at 11:08 am

    don’t forget Carlos Mencia – he’s HORRIBLE!

    i think Marc Maron is the best comic around currently. his podcast WTF is super great. he’s so cynical and neurotic, yet he loves to delve into why he is the way he is. so in the end he’s very sympathetic. he’s sort of like Hicks in that he’s becoming a comedian/philosopher. plus he sometimes interviews comics who he has problems with, such as Cook, Mencia, etc.

    http://wtfpod.com/home.htm

    also great:

    Doug Benson
    Nick Kroll
    seth morris
    James Adomian (you have to watch this – the Wheel of Fortune sketch is priceless – http://vimeo.com/5314088 )
    Scott Aukerman
    anyone associated with the UCB
    Oswalt
    Cross
    Gaffigan
    Birbiglia
    Tig Notaro
    Bamford
    Galifianakis (obviously)

    strangely i’m not a huge fan of Posehn

    basically there are 4 comedy podcasts everyone needs to listen to – Comedy Death Ray Radio, Doug Benson’s Doug Loves Movies, Jordan Jesse Go!, and Stop Podcasting Yourself.

    Do it.

  22. calebon 31 Jul 2010 at 11:12 am

    and just as aside, since i was mentioning podcasts – The Tobolowsky Files is an amazing podcast also. Stephen Tobolowsky tells amazing, funny, moving stories about his life.

  23. Ericaon 31 Jul 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Caleb – you just get better and better! Yes, if everyone is not already listening to these podcasts you need to be. Wow Jordan Jesse Go! is so fucking funny…kind of almost drive your car into a ditch laughing funny!

    Doug Benson – awesome…love him. Patton is without equal and Posehn should have made my list of overrated comics. Imagine being that ugly and NOT being funny? Sad.

    I also love Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel. They can make me laugh until I pee…:)

  24. You Just Made My List!on 31 Jul 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Um, hello? Stop falling in love with other people, I’m right here.

    Speaking of funny + British + podcast…

    Ricky Gervais podcast.

  25. calebon 31 Jul 2010 at 5:55 pm

    ricky gervais is a genius, but Karl Pilkington is even geniuser…

  26. kiddaon 31 Jul 2010 at 9:02 pm

    The perfectly round headed one is great

  27. calebon 31 Jul 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Kidda – totally. he’s got a head like a fuckin orange.

  28. Alessaon 31 Jul 2010 at 10:50 pm

    I agree! I was watching a Chris Rock show on Comedy Central a while back and this woman was up next.. I don’t think I even smiled or chuckled once. And I usually laugh at everything. She’s definitely shocking, but not hilariously so. She’s just unpleasent.

  29. Ericaon 01 Aug 2010 at 12:48 am

    I would like to take you and Caleb and turn you into a gestalt entity…the perfect man! We will call you Listleb! Or Calist…something like that. 🙂

    Have you guys read Karl’s books? I read the first one on a flight back from London and laughed so loudly the man sitting next to me asked me if I was on medication!! Karl is amazing…

  30. Jeffon 01 Aug 2010 at 1:41 am

    I would have never thought to look up Gallagher on Wikipedia…

    “Gallagher ran for Governor in the 2003 California recall election, finishing 16th out of 135 candidates with 5,466 votes.”

    Democracy in action.

  31. You Just Made My List!on 01 Aug 2010 at 8:55 am

    Are Karl’s books good? I was afraid his insanity would not translate to a book.

  32. calebon 01 Aug 2010 at 1:37 pm

    oh yes, Karl writes great stuff! just read it and hear his voice in your head whilst doing so – you won’t regret it.

  33. hodanon 01 Aug 2010 at 9:23 pm

    i don’t know who this person is so i’m not even gonna go there. the only ‘racist’ comedian that matters is paul mooney.
    ps.gervais is fucking awful!

  34. chadskion 04 Aug 2010 at 7:23 pm

    apparently Gallagher is a far right-wing, total homophobe.. ?

    interesting article on the subject – http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/gallagher-is-a-paranoid-right-wing-watermelon-smashing-maniac/Content?oid=4357855

  35. Saucygirlon 05 Sep 2010 at 11:46 am

    Oh my God! Finally someone that has spoken the truth. Lisa Lapanelli seems to be trying too hard to be funny and shocking and has failed miserably at both and only comes off as ugly and thoroughly unpleasant. I have no idea why I see her on Comedy Central, she sucks big time. I have no aversions to shocking humor whatsoever so it’s definitely no something prudish behind my disgust for her. Here’s a list of some other thoroughly UNFUNNY comedians that need to go away and find another career.

    1. Jeff Dunham (please please burn your stupid puppets)
    2. Larry The Cable Guy (there’s nothing funny about rednecks)
    3. Andrew Dice Clay (your attempt at shocking makes you almost as bad as Lapanelli but even she’s got you beat so you just qualify as being her dirty tampon)

  36. candyon 10 Sep 2010 at 1:45 pm

    I thought tig notaro wasn’t bad until I learned about what she did to other comedians. She might be the world’s most scary and dangerous stand up. I think she thinks comedy is a mafia and she is the don.

  37. lolaon 15 Sep 2010 at 7:47 pm

    The woman is truly brutal, but I confess I laugh

  38. susanon 09 Oct 2010 at 2:09 am

    Hey, I actualy have the inside scoope on this sick women. Those who think she is funny, no, she is not, she is a racist. She is smart though and she has done something amazing, she has found a way to make money and tell it like it is, for real. She is not joking you fools! She is a spoiled white girl from CT raised by rich white parents who all think they are better than others. It is down right scarey to see someone profit off those she is making fun of and they are making her rich. Sick and sad but hey, the people who go see her know what they are paying for. Trust me, one miserable person loves to bring misery for everyone around them. This is a cold women from a cold family.

  39. sim1on 11 Oct 2010 at 2:51 am

    I hate it when shitty shock comedians feel they have to say shit they can’t really believe their audience and fans are thinking, and most likely aren’t since they’re already there watching their shitty routines. Carlos Mencia is the worst example of this drivel .oh you can’t say that Carlos, that’s not nice.’ listen asshole no one at your show was sad you said that shit and is actually in fact happy you did. This bitch Lisa lamp does the same shit

  40. Ronon 04 May 2011 at 1:25 am

    lisa lampanelli is a socially troubled and uses others to make herself feel better, kind of like a terrorist who uses others to hide behind because of chicken shitness and cowardice sickness. Lisa go get some help and take those who think your funny with you.

  41. Craigon 08 Jan 2012 at 2:05 am

    Lisa Lampanelli does do an amazing job . . . of representing everything that is wrong, and unfunny, about today’s comedy scene. She’s absolutely horrible.

  42. Jiu Jitsu Jeffon 16 Jan 2012 at 8:41 pm

    Thank you for saying what I have been thinking for a longtime. She is boring and lazy and most of all unfunny! I dont get how she has any fans. Very shallow, dumb shit people!

  43. Nathanon 27 Feb 2012 at 6:33 am

    One of worst Comedians of all times, that woman is not funny at all, she might be lucky but definitely not funny. Comedy is an art, and few people can practice it. I consider everyone who finds this woman funny is not right, and needs help.

  44. Kayon 13 Apr 2012 at 10:15 pm

    This women is mad because she is fat, not funny, mean and obviously jealous of other women which is sad!! Who is this D lister. Not even close to all other female comics!!! How sad to be so angry!!!

  45. Kayon 13 Apr 2012 at 10:18 pm

    I have never even heard of her!!! Totally agree with all posts!! Does she even have a career besides Roasting. She a jeoulous horrible person toward all women!!!! Very disrespectful against other females!!!!!!!

  46. Memanon 05 May 2012 at 7:12 am

    I would say ship Lisa to her own deserted island but I would feel to bad for the island to do so. I try in life not to tear others down so I guess my post is somewhat hypocritical. I am so turned off by this lady I can’t help myself. I agree with comments from someone above, she isn’t making jokes she is that type of person. Saw her on apprentice, couldn’t even watch the show. Some never take personal inventory of themselves.

  47. rudlophon 11 May 2012 at 8:22 am

    Candy,
    Tig Notaro is a bully and a cheat, but I disagree that she is as bad as Lampanelli. Just sayin 😉

  48. Jimbob Schwartzon 04 Oct 2012 at 8:28 am

    Amen, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

    Also the Guy Fieri reference is “on point”. 😉