Nov 08 2010

Tom Cruise… for being awesome!

tom cruise sunglasses risky business


Why? Why is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV so awesome when all I want to do is hate him?

It’s easy to despise Tom Cruise when he’s jumping on your couch and babbling on and on about space monsters, but then, out of nowhere, the guy has the nerve to be so insanely kickass that we have no choice but to engage in a worldwide slow clap.

It’s hard to decide on the appropriate emotion when his name is spoken. Instantly I think about what a bag of turds the guy was when he was telling Brooke Shields to just get over her depression already and climb aboard the Millennium Falcon with him, and then WHAM, I catch a rerun of “TAPS” or “Risky Business” on cable and suddenly I just want to squeeze those fat cheeks and initiate the most monumental tickle-fight the known universe has ever seen. He’s like an abusive boyfriend, he hits me because he loves me so much. MAVERICK!

While the rest of our lazy asses were sitting at Outback Steakhouse jamming Bloomin’ Onions into our greasy mouths, this fucking guy was dangling from the world’s tallest building in Dubai. Guess what? I’d be afraid to even GO to Dubai because I hear you go to jail for holding hands in public. I like holding hands, sue me.

Oh, by the way, he remained as cool as his character in “Cocktail” while hanging from that tiny rope 2000 feet in the air. What have YOU done lately?

God damn you Cruise.


Here are some stunt men at the top of the same building, scouting locations for the film. Oh and by the way, ONE GUY ISN’T EVEN WEARING A SAFETY HARNESSES! Cut your dick off because these guys win.

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9 comments so far

9 comments to “Tom Cruise… for being awesome!”

  1. kenon 08 Nov 2010 at 6:54 am

    It’s getting tougher to separate the couch-jumping, Scientologist, Katie Holmes-ruiner Tom from the great actor Tom.

    He used to be awesome.

  2. Jim Joneson 08 Nov 2010 at 8:29 am

    Um, yeah. He kinda went ape shit after cocktail.

  3. mikeon 08 Nov 2010 at 9:58 am

    @ Ken, still even in his recent years of crazyness he was the only funny part in Tropic Thunder. It like he is so awesome he gets bored of being awesome and tries to do everything thing to ruin his carreer just so he fight to get back on top. *imagining scene where Maverick is racing a fighter jet on his motorcycle and throws a fist in the air as it finally beats him. Yeeeah!

  4. JulieJulieJulieon 08 Nov 2010 at 11:19 am

    Listy – I was all set to settle down with my glass of TAB this morning to hear your rant about God taking Jill Clayburgh from us. I like Tom Cruise as much as the next person, but Jill Clayburgh – there should be some cursing at God because of that.

    My favorite line of hers: “You’ve got shoe polish behind your ear” – Silver Streak

  5. Paul in Saint Paulon 08 Nov 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Tom Cruise was admittedly good in Magnolia, though I fear he was almost playing himself.

    Jill Clayburgh: John Waters wanted to have look-alike contests for average-looking celebrities. His prime choice was Jill Clayburgh! She was sort of the anti-Tom Cruise: acting in character instead of as movie star.

    There is so much to hate about Tom Cruise. I don’t know where to begin.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 08 Nov 2010 at 5:15 pm

    Who the hell is Jill Clayburgh?

  7. rachelon 09 Nov 2010 at 1:12 am

    eh. i still hate him.

  8. Kathyon 09 Nov 2010 at 6:17 am

    What the hell was he doing dangling in Dubai?

    And I still don’t like him or his big ol’ snaggly front teeth (he has a dental anomaly):

  9. Ericon 21 Nov 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Yeah, I find his existence as distasteful as the next person. At the same time, I can’t deny he has a compelling screen presence. The guy’s just so damned watchable, even when ludicrously cast as in The Last Samurai and Valkyrie. It almost makes me believe it’s possible to sell your soul to the devil.