Nov 22 2010

Winter in Chicago!

Published by at 3:11 am under Jerks

winter sky chicago, midwest winter

You see this shit?

This is an actual photo of the asshole sky that hung over my head all day today in Chicago. What’s the big deal, every place on Earth has gray (is it gray or grey) days, cheer up little fella. Right? Fuck you, you weather-know-it-all-jerk because this is the sky I have seen for the last 2 weeks and will continue to see for the next 5 months. If it were legal I would pay someone to keep me in a controlled coma for the next 5 months.

If the dark skies don’t convince you to drop a toaster in the bath the unholy wind blasting through your soul like dentist drill will. I am not exaggerating when I say that the winter wind in Chicago has made me cry… as an adult.

But then big beautiful snowflakes the size of cotton balls gently wiggle their way down from the inky night sky and every tree branch looks like it has been covered in whipped cream and mayonnaise by Paula Dean. The snow absorbs all the usual city noise and it sounds like you are hiding under a blanket. Charming. WRONG because the next day you wake up to your street littered with folding chairs and miscellaneous garbage placed by your fucking, dipshit, asshole, white trash, cocksucker, fuckwad, idiotic, selfish neighbors who believe they can save “their” parking spot for THE ENTIRE WINTER. This might honestly be the thing I despise most in life.

CHicago saving winter parking spots with chairs

Fuck you winter.

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47 comments so far

47 comments to “Winter in Chicago!”

  1. Jeffon 22 Nov 2010 at 3:41 am

    Do you mean Paula Dean?

    And brrr – looks cold! That pic gave me goosebumps on my sunburn.

  2. kenon 22 Nov 2010 at 5:12 am

    I have a love/hate affair with the age-old Chicago ‘tradition’ of lawn furniture ‘holding’ a space. I was mostly against it until one year, I found a spot directly in front of my building about three hours before a 8″ snowstorm. I didn’t do jack to clear out my space except that no snow fell on the pavement below my car. That was enough for my neighbors to declare that space ‘mine’ for as long as there was snow on the ground. That winter, the snow remained from December 15th until about Valentine’s Day, so I had that spot for two months. That year, I LOVED the ‘space-saving’ tradition.

  3. Jeffon 22 Nov 2010 at 7:30 am

    OMG Ken – you’re a ‘furniture space saver’!! I never knew!!

    Sorry, I gotta agree with Listy. There simply aren’t enough spaces to go around, so ‘saving’ them is bad economics. Public spaces need to be left clear for people who need to park so that the scarce resources are allocated efficiently.

    NYC has it figured out. Alternate side cleaning, where you’re forced to move your car 2 days every week keeps anyone from thinking that a public space is ‘theirs’.

  4. 8bitheroon 22 Nov 2010 at 8:03 am

    DC rules. Parking garages. Lots of them. Cheap.

  5. Peteon 22 Nov 2010 at 8:24 am

    It’s the same here in Cleveland. Hasn’t snowed yet, thank hell–but the sky turned grey mid October and we won’t see a full day of sun again until perhaps late April.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 22 Nov 2010 at 8:30 am

    Jeff – No, I meant Paul Dean. Don’t you know who he is?

    Ken – NOOOO! Fall to your knees and BEG for forgiveness from your god. You have committed the most severe sin on the planet and I fear for your soul! How could you Ken? How?

    Pete – I’ll be in Cleveland this weekend so be on the lookout for a super awesome dude walking around looking awesome.

  7. JulieJulieJulieon 22 Nov 2010 at 8:36 am

    Pittsburgh has an equally dismal winter and has the distinction of being the birthplace of the place-a-chair-to-hold-a-space, started in the 1950’s:

    People regularly get into fistfights over parking spaces here, but I like this story, about a woman who dug out her space, only to find someone else had taken her spot:

    Listy, I’d just pack up the GF and your laptop and move to the Caribbean for the winter to avoid the whole thing.

  8. Xinaon 22 Nov 2010 at 8:38 am

    I’m wearing shorts and a t-shirt right now. 2 nights ago I had to turn on my ac. The sky is blue and the sun is out and about. Move to Florida. There’s a reason why people save their whole lives to come here for a week. It’s just fucking better than everywhere else.

  9. You Just Made My List!on 22 Nov 2010 at 8:47 am

    Julie – Let me tell you, I have had MANY spots dug out by me claimed by others with their shitty chairs. But that’s OK, I used to go out at 2am every night and though EVERY SINGLE chair away on my block. P.S. I’m moving to Maui next summer so this will hopefully be my last winter ever! P.P.S. When you say “GF” I hope you mean “girlfriend” and not “Guy Fieri.”

    Xina – Florida scares me. My dad lives in the heart of South Beach and after 2 days I’m ready to run all the way home to Chicago. I am jealous of your weather right now though.

  10. Jonathanon 22 Nov 2010 at 8:53 am

    Listy, I thought you were moving to Hawaii! What happened??

    Xina – Florida sucks. Sure it’s cheap, but it’s boring as f*ck, there are far too many hicks and old people, it’s too humid all summer, the grass is prickly and not fun, and you have to drive everywhere, which I hate.


  11. You Just Made My List!on 22 Nov 2010 at 8:58 am

    Jonathan – Moving to Maui in August. And you’re right about the prickly grass in Florida.

  12. Xinaon 22 Nov 2010 at 9:14 am

    What grass are you walking on in Florida? My dad has a lawn full of grass that feels like carpet on your bare feet year round. Florida is the best. I’ve honestly lived all over the world and my penis shaped state is my very favorite place. It has everything I like not to mention this is where my mom lives. And from my window I can see about 15 open parking spaces. So suck it!

  13. You Just Made My List!on 22 Nov 2010 at 9:31 am

    Xina – Consider it sucked.

  14. Ericaon 22 Nov 2010 at 9:59 am

    Xina – I am always afraid of what lurks below Florida grass.

    Listy – you need to invest in some North Face.

  15. Melissaon 22 Nov 2010 at 11:46 am

    Have you noticed that children are always getting abducted and murdered in Florida? If you are a kid that lives in a trailer park in Florida, your days are pretty much numbered. It sounds like these poor kids were being forced to walk on prickly grass, though, so maybe they’re better off. We have nice grass in California, and I don’t really even need to own a coat, so neener neener neener. 🙂

  16. Lawrenceon 22 Nov 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Xina – I too have lived all over the world and if Florida is honestly the best place you experienced during your travels, then you must’ve traveled the world in the 1600s.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 22 Nov 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Xina – Your wang-shaped state is taking a beating!

  18. Jonathanon 22 Nov 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Xina – The food in Florida sucks, too. Find me a good goddamned bagel or slice of pizza in the Sunshit State. Seriously, go ahead and try.

  19. Jonathanon 22 Nov 2010 at 12:48 pm

    And I agree with Melissa – if I want warm and sunny weather but without rednecks, mosquitos, and prickly grass, I’m heading to California, not Florida.

  20. billmigukon 22 Nov 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Listy…you should host a YJMML event in Cleveland this weekend.

  21. HMon 22 Nov 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Smart FIBs move to Denver. Today it’s a brisk 40 degrees but without humidity and the sun is shining! The only problem is they serve “Chicago” dogs on buns without Poppyseeds. Tragic.

  22. You Just Made My List!on 22 Nov 2010 at 2:08 pm

    HM – That is tragic. 40 is too cold for me. Anything under 72 bothers me lately.

  23. saraon 22 Nov 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Florida is also where all dead beat dads run off to because of their lenient child support laws, and lest we forget…… THE 2000 ELECTION!!! **dum dum duummmm!!**

  24. Xinaon 22 Nov 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I lived in Cali and I was cold. I mean I was in Monterey so it’s understandable but still, I was fucking freezing for a year. England was amazing but cold there too. In fact, everywhere I went in Europe was cold. Beautiful, but cold and rainy. Louisiana wasn’t so much cold as just dumb but Cajin boys are fun! Texas was boring. D.C. was nice but here again, cold. Are we seeing a trend here yet? So forget all you Florida haters. I grew up here and no one killed me although a couple did try to get me into their car on my way home from school. I screamed no and ran. Problem solved. And Florida isn’t full of hicks. We’re not even considered the south despite the fact we’re as far south as you can get while in the 48. And lastly, I have a killer sushi place within walking distance of my very large and very reasonably priced apartment. Now I’m going to go lay out in one of the many available parking spots, get a tan in November and swat away the flying cockroaches. Can’t really get around that one. But you can’t win them all so NAH! =P

  25. wackeyasson 22 Nov 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Here in Ottawa, Canada there is no such thing as placing a chair or any other type of item to save your parking spot. That’s just dumb and inconsiderate. You leave that shit in a parking spot it is either going to be taken, used to clear off your car and then taken or just run over. You have to earn your spot like everyone else and sit next to a car you think is going to move for as long as it takes. There, spot earned. Now of course you still have to walk the five blocks to your destination because there are never parking spots anywhere that you need them to be.

  26. Paul from Saint Paulon 22 Nov 2010 at 4:56 pm

    How I miss the days of your marauding the streets after dark, bringing justice to city parking. I used to haul my neighbors’ tattered furniture and broken children’s toys out of their self-designated parking spot regularly (We lived on a dead end on a block with only one side for parking so it was hyper-competitive.) They would then bring them back out of the dumpster and reclaim the spot later. No words were ever exchanged.

  27. Lawrenceon 22 Nov 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Xina – Europe ≠ all over the world.

  28. Jeffon 22 Nov 2010 at 7:10 pm

    I love shit like furniture parking wars. It shows people for what they really are: petty, inconsiderate, and vindictive.

    Hope, change and whatever other nonsense they spout during elections be damned!

  29. Paul from Saint Paulon 22 Nov 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Jeff, don’t forget supercilious.

    There is such thing as a just war.

  30. Sarah in Minneapolis; a tributeon 22 Nov 2010 at 11:45 pm

    Why did you stop throwing away the chairs!? If not throw them away, at least trap the folding chair beneath your front tire. By the way, how is this legal? Don’t cops move them or something?

    PS; Saturday night I experienced another shitty thing about Midwest winters; when the roads turn to sheets of ice causing morons to run into your parked car and take off.

  31. You Just Made My List!on 23 Nov 2010 at 7:45 am

    Sarah – I guess you do have it worse in Minneapolis. Great city but WAY too cold in the winter. I no longer bother with the chairs because I now have a garage, although I do occasionally run them over while driving for old time’s sake. Sorry about your car, that sucks. It happened to me once too. People are assholes.

  32. Lawrenceon 23 Nov 2010 at 8:11 am

    I lived in Minneapolis and Chicago and I’d have to say winters in Chicago suck more. That damn wind is the embodiment of evil.

  33. You Just Made My List!on 23 Nov 2010 at 8:27 am

    It truly is EVIL

  34. Jonathanon 23 Nov 2010 at 10:14 am

    Xina – Northern California is, surprisingly, not Southern California. San Diego has just about the most perfect weather in the world, and L.A. is nice except for the smog, the traffic, and the assholes. Basically, SoCal > Florida on every count.

    I’m glad you have good sushi, but what about the bagels and pizza I mentioned? Both of these things are awful in Florida.

    And there are pleeenty of hicks in Florida. I don’t mean just the toothless, moonshinin’ inbred yokels. There are plenty of good ol’ boys (who inexplicably think that they’re gangstas) driving their souped-up F-150s to the Circle K to do donuts after their shift ends.

  35. kenon 23 Nov 2010 at 10:20 am

    I was a passive space-saver. I never actively put out lawn furniture, my neighbor did in my absence. After a week, we’d established whose spot was whose and the need for furniture went away.

    And Lawrence, I find it hard to believe that Minnesota has LESS wind than Chicago; it’s only called the Windy City and for non-weather reasons.

  36. Bullet-x-theoryon 23 Nov 2010 at 10:53 am

    Lol you people have never been to Saskatchewan. Have you ever felt -50 with a wind chill of -60? It’s brutal in every sense of the word.

  37. Lawrenceon 23 Nov 2010 at 2:38 pm

    @ken You don’t have to believe it. I lived there for 4 years and lived in Chicago for 3. I can’t speak for Minnesota as a whole, because it gets worse, the further north you get.

    But in Minneapolis, the wind isn’t as sadistic.

  38. Lawrenceon 23 Nov 2010 at 2:39 pm


    I’ve never has my teeth pulled out with pliers either, but that doesn’t mean that getting punched in the dick doesn’t hurt.

  39. Kathyon 23 Nov 2010 at 8:32 pm

    We moved away from Hinsdale (way before it was a rich bedroom community) when I was 7, so I have never lost my love of the magical white stuff. And I’m not talking about Paula Deen’s mayonnaise. Oh, but if you’re talking Paula, it’s “man-naze”, that creamy, white . . . . never mind.

  40. kenon 24 Nov 2010 at 12:22 am

    I believe you Lawrence. It just seems unlikely that Minnesota could be better weather-wise than Chicago. The Coen Bros were so effective in portraying it as so bitterly cold. I like watching Fargo when it’s scorching July weather just because it makes me FEEL cold.

  41. Lawrenceon 24 Nov 2010 at 8:00 am

    Well, it does get colder, but the wind comes and goes, where as in Chicago, it seems constant and daily. Also, the cold difference isnt’ really something you’d notice. Meaning, in Chicago, with wind chill, it might be -5 and in Minneapolis it will be -9.

    So technically, it’s colder in Minneapolis, but at that point, you no longer give a shit about the exact temperature. All you know is that in both places, hypothermia is only a drunken stumble away.

  42. kenon 24 Nov 2010 at 10:34 am

    The bummer about Minnesota (and trust me, I LOVE Mpls) is the alcohol sales thing. I remember rolling into the Twin Cities at 10PM on a Monday night wanting to buy a six-pack of beer. No go. For better or worse, I can buy any alcohol in Illinois until 2AM.

  43. Laurenon 24 Nov 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Oh snap!! Listy is a fellow Chi-towner who’d thunk it yeah winters here suck major donkey balls so I’ve got two words for you:thermal underwear. It’s one of the best ways to survive this white hellhole the snow does look pretty nice when it first falls but that awww feeling ends REAL quick when you have to be out in that shit all the time. I feel bad for those city employees[even with the money they make cause of the teamsters].

  44. The Manon 26 Nov 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Hey Listy!

    I saw you at New Trier and you’ve inspired me to make a funny blog. So this is a big shameless plug here but can you check out what I got so far…..maybs leave a comment…..and click on some ads?


  45. Jessica Joyon 05 Dec 2010 at 12:02 am

    Fuck you, Winter:

  46. You Just Made My List!on 05 Dec 2010 at 10:08 am

    Jessica – Thanks. The chorus gave me a boner. Now I have a snow-covered boner.

  47. Spicypupon 07 Dec 2010 at 1:36 am

    I may be late on the punch, but I tell you a good portion of the Chicago population has moved here to Phoenix, AZ…
    It might be hot in the summer where you stay inside most of the day (much like the crap winter in Chicago) but at least I can go in the pool! I miss some of the extra culture and Chicago will forever be my home town, but I will never move back! Grey and nose freezing cold for 4 months+… bah!