Nov 29 2010

Men who open twist-off beer bottles with their shirts!

Published by at 3:33 am under Jerks

girl opens a beer bottle with her boob

Look at you opening your beer with your shirt, you sicken me.

I’m not one of those guys who is obsessed with being macho. For example, when my girlfriend’s dad put me in a headlock this weekend during a family Thanksgiving party in an attempt to show me I was no match for his karate skills, I just rode it out until he grew bored with choking me. HOWEVER, there are some things a man should simply never do. Obviously never get into a karate match with your girlfriend’s father and never open a twist-off beer with your shirt. I’m pretty sure Nancy Reagan and her tiny hands that look like wet toilet paper draped over sticks could still twist open a bottle of beer, so what’s your excuse? I hate you.

Don’t think I can’t see you casually slip that bottle under your Spin Doctors T-shirt. I see it and I’m judging you.

Shame. Shame on you and your pussy hands. The next time you consider using your Ralph Lauren golf shirt to pop open a shitty Miller Lite, please remember these videos, because sometimes being a bro is the right thing to do.

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15 comments so far

15 comments to “Men who open twist-off beer bottles with their shirts!”

  1. rachelon 29 Nov 2010 at 8:18 am

    You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…

    (now i wait for your rant about Leslie Nielsen)…

  2. calebon 29 Nov 2010 at 9:02 am

    i’ll do that once in while if i can’t get a jar open, but never with a twist-off beer. that’s just really bad for your shirt.

    i have a friend who can open non twist-off beer caps with his TEETH. that’s bad ass, and very difficult for me to watch.

  3. melissaon 29 Nov 2010 at 9:33 am

    It’s cool for chicks though, right? I don’t want to be on your list. I feel like I’m too awesome for that.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 29 Nov 2010 at 9:42 am

    Melissa – Yes, it is OK for a girl to use her shirt BUT if you use your boobs it’s really much cooler.

  5. saraon 29 Nov 2010 at 11:54 am

    if your such a wuss to open it with your shirt I would think you’d be worried about getting a rust stain on your pink polo (w/ collar up of course)

    My husband uses a lighter as a bottle opener if freaks me the hell out. Lets put this small cheap plastic lighter filled with butane to the presure test!

  6. melissaon 29 Nov 2010 at 11:57 am

    listy, I’ve been practicing “the boob” all morning.

  7. Diss Contenton 29 Nov 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Sure opening a beer with a boob is impressive, but what about the next level?

    Imagine if you will; a boob that produces beer. Come on evolution, now is the time to step it up and help a brother out.

    That’s not to say I’m not endlessly dazzled by the original design.

  8. saraon 29 Nov 2010 at 2:29 pm

    I thought the next level would a chic opening a beer with….ya know. Anybody ever seen the movie “Teeth”?

  9. Diss Contenton 29 Nov 2010 at 3:01 pm

    True enough sara. I guess that any part of a woman’s body, either opening or dispensing beer is a titanic win.

    I suspected this as having occurred already since if it was to happen to me, there would never be a word spoken. Why would I stop to tell anyone in the first place? As if.

  10. Paul from Saint Paulon 29 Nov 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Really, Diss? ANY opening dispensing beer?

    I think there are bars in Thailand that everyone should now visit.

  11. Diss Contenton 29 Nov 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Really Paul from Saint Paul – My lips are sealed. Sealed with the sweet nectar of womanhood manifesting in the form of beer flowing FREELY and without abatement from orifices as of yet to be discovered.

    Free yourself from the corporate bully boys of the Sanke keg and drink deeply from the fountain of eternal joy, no matter where it is discovered.

  12. Paul from Saint Paulon 29 Nov 2010 at 5:41 pm

    This is now turning into an early David Cronenberg film.

  13. The Manon 29 Nov 2010 at 10:19 pm

    funny shit! i think the fact a women can open a beer bottle is amazing enough

  14. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by shirts men, Trevor Jaquinto. Trevor Jaquinto said: Men who open twist-off beer bottles with their shirts! […]

  15. wtfeveron 12 Feb 2011 at 5:35 pm

    “Get off my bench, bitches, I need to open this beer.”
    But seriously, as that video proved, if you cannot open any type of beer with whatever form of matter is closest to you, you suck. Easily half the girls I know can open beers with their teeth (classy crowd I know), so yah, if you require a shirt, you’re at least a closeted homosexual. By the way, at 3:49, two guys in the bed? … Probably just a drunken mistake. … 😉