Dec 03 2010

Old people who don’t look old!

Published by at 3:19 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

active senior citizens, old people

Part 473 in my series, “Why does everything suck now?”

As I mentioned before, I love old people, I really do, but it’s getting harder to distinguish them from the younger crowd when they ride around the city on Vespas wearing cool clothes and listening to The Arcade Fire on their iPods. I need to know you are old so I can respect you, otherwise I’m just going to judge you and hate you like I do everyone else!

When I was a kid, old people looked old and they acted their age. In fact, they acted older than their age and it felt right. Old ladies got their hair set once a week at the beauty shop, they protected that hairdo with a clear plastic rain bonnet while outdoors (rain or shine) and continued to protect that precious blue hair at night with yet another bonnet. They wore those old lady glasses and they wore dresses in public, house dresses while watching their “stories” at home and nightgowns to bed. I’m fairly sure they were never naked, ever. They wore enough perfume to mark you like an animal for a week after they hugged you and they didn’t fucking do water aerobics.

Old men wore their pants high and kept their pockets filled with pens, tire gauges and pocket knives. They had ear hair and nose hair thick enough to make a broom and their hands were big and intimidating. They had a favorite chair, you knew not to bother them while they occupied that chair and if you suggested they try “Sweating to the Oldies” they would punch you in the face with their giant hands, leaving you to pick hand hair out of your face for the rest of the day.

They looked the part and it gave us kids a visual reminder that they were the grown-ups and we were mostly just in the way. The good old days.

But forget about all that today. Today’s selfish old people have the nerve to milk life for everything it’s worth and can usually be spotted having fun in comfortable clothing. What the fuck is up with that?

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24 comments so far

24 comments to “Old people who don’t look old!”

  1. billmigukon 03 Dec 2010 at 7:00 am

    Sounds like somebody enjoys the granny lovin’…..

  2. Fartfaceon 03 Dec 2010 at 7:35 am

    I agree. I am happy that the internet terrifies my grandmother. She takes a bath every evening and sets her hair in pin-curls while sitting in her nightgown. She does this while allowing her fear of the world build by watching the local 10 o’clock news program. If she’s feeling frisky, she’ll stay up a little later to watch the special she heard about in the TV guide about the Shroud of Turin while drinking tea-no, not chamomile, but CAFFEINATED tea. I should have prefaced this by saying that she has already secured every curtain in the house with safety pins and shut off all of the lights, because you mustn’t allow anyone to even see a hint of your silhouette in your night attire.

  3. calebon 03 Dec 2010 at 9:05 am

    i know exactly what you are saying, and i agree to a certain point. but i submit that things are getting confusing simply because we are getting older. when we are in our 60’s things are really going to be weird.

  4. Diss Contenton 03 Dec 2010 at 10:11 am

    Yes, old people were much more binary than their modern digital counterparts.

    Show someone the back of your hand and they will show you respect. Children were to be seen (well behaved) and not heard, a woman’s place was in the kitchen and life was to be endured, not enjoyed. What on Earth has happened to us?

    I was looking forward to developing freakishly large hands as a badge of honor from a lifetime of doing manly, he-man, man things. Weekly adjustments of the carburetor in an American car that had a 16 pound clutch, hand cranked windows and non-power steering. Then go on to cutting my own grass by pushing a reel mower powered by nothing more than my brawn and a cholesterol packed breakfast of sausage, bacon, ham and pork.

    Instead I’ve developed carpal tunnel from a feather touch keyboard and my ergonomically designed, massage in place, executive chair did not prevent a raging case of hemorrhoids. At least I have some dainty, sensitive hands, that don’t look old to treat the latter. Life is truly gooder now.

  5. mikeon 03 Dec 2010 at 11:48 am

    I suggested a few months ago to my grandma that she get a computer so she could have access to the internet. She answered, “ohhh, I don’t want to end up in one of those weird chatrooms.” She is literally afraid that once she turns on the internet it she will immediately be stuck in a sex chatroom.

  6. Sarah in Minneapolis; a tributeon 03 Dec 2010 at 12:21 pm

    I think you would have loved my grandfather. He was the scariest, crankiest old man ever. He had 13(!) kids and I think he was more embarresed and hateful of each one than the next. He once smacked one upside the head for singing ‘row your boat’ because ‘life is NOT like a dream.’ He also angrily, and repeatedly, scolded and corrected my disabled cousin at her 7th birthday party for holding her toy xylophone wrong. He scared the shit out of me.

  7. Jayon 03 Dec 2010 at 12:58 pm

    My Grandpa’s chair could recline and was an ugly mustard yellow, perfect for an old person. This old people looking like young people thing might have to do with the fact that people are living longer, the oldest person alive is 122, which makes a person in their 70’s look like a spring chicken.

  8. saraon 03 Dec 2010 at 3:16 pm

    ahhh ha ha “LIFE IS NOT A GODDAMN DREAM” hippie

    The world is becomming like Harold and Maude
    old people are tweeting on their IPads and Young Hipsters are listening to phonographs and waxing their mustaches. Is it some sort of backlash?

  9. SanFranon 03 Dec 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Old people rock. I love ’em and could spend all my free time chewin’ the fat with ’em… So much to share and dispel with regards to knowledge. They’re our window into history, and as someone who vows not to repeat failed history, I listen to what they have to say – even if they’re batshit crazy and sundowning.

  10. Diss Contenton 03 Dec 2010 at 4:11 pm

    I think the entrance exam to becoming old was quite rigorous.

    Only the strongest individuals survived leaded plumbing, asbestos insulation and cars without seatbelts. Don’t get me wrong, you could buy a seatbelt at a hardware store and install it yourself and that was just fine, as long as you were a pussy.

    Even old people candy was made to age one faster. Try eating a ‘Horehound Drop’ and see if the experience doesn’t turn you into an instant, chair protecting, puppy spanking curmudgeon.

  11. saraon 03 Dec 2010 at 4:16 pm

    I can’t agree with SanFran, I just got off the phone with an old lady who’s basic question was “Does my Gift Certificate expire?” but worded in a 14 minute long explanation of all the medical woes she has faced in the last three years that have kept her from traveling….”gout is a problem if you like walking tours”
    eewwww

  12. SanFranon 03 Dec 2010 at 8:39 pm

    #Diss Content: spot on

    #sara: c’mon – a little compassion!

    Personally, my goal is to die young, just take as long as possible to do it…

  13. Stephon 03 Dec 2010 at 10:21 pm

    I LOVE OLD PEOPLE. I used to sell high-end old people cars. Old men are the biggest flirts I have ever encountered! They ogle me in front of their wives and flirt relentlessly. By the way, they are all breast men…FYI. Its cool though, because the wives find it hilarious. The old farts try to make their moves, while the wives laugh their asses off. I really love that generation. My nana was the best of that generation. I miss her to death. She was super hot and a bathing suit model in her day (My papa found out about the modeling when he was in WW2 and was pissed)!

  14. anonymouson 04 Dec 2010 at 1:52 pm

    the old man in the first picture looks like a not-pissed-off clint eastwood

  15. Kathyon 04 Dec 2010 at 9:06 pm

    I plan to be the crazy old lady with long wild hair who lives in jeans & tie-dye t-shirts and swears like a sailor. I want to be the ‘fun’ grandma.

  16. Laurenon 05 Dec 2010 at 8:46 pm

    I blame the boomers and all the plastic sugery and especially foolish ass celebrities still looking and acting like they are in their 30’s when they are really in their 60’s. Seriously what the FUCK was Harrison Ford thinking doing that dreck ass ‘Crystal Skull’ bullshit.

  17. PoodlesRuleon 05 Dec 2010 at 11:00 pm

    Dear Listy,
    Wanted to email you but couldn’t find your address, so this will suffice.
    I discovered your blog three days ago. Since then, I’ve read several dozen posts and had a major epiphany: I AM A LOT ANGRIER ABOUT DUMB SHIT than I previously believed. I was repressed. I was blind, but now I see.
    Marry me.

  18. You Just Made My List!on 06 Dec 2010 at 8:24 am

    Poodles – Let’s date first.

  19. Ericaon 06 Dec 2010 at 11:58 pm

    It’s been too long since I read this blog…:(

    I actually had a tee shirt made on Cafepress that reads “I Hate Old People” a few years ago. I wore it the entire time my fucking bible thumping in-laws were at my house a few years back and unfortunately it didn’t have the desired effect of enraging them. So I am now going to have a new shirt made up that says “I Hate Old People Who Still Like To Have Fun, Wear Comfortable Clothing and Know What The Internet Is…Time To Die”.

    Thanks Listy!

  20. Paul from Saint Paulon 08 Dec 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Have you met Joad?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ3_6pcdGuU&feature=channel

  21. Bajeezuson 09 Dec 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Sorry to break this to you but old people will never act like your great grandparents. This is same fucking generation that produced sex, drugs and rock & roll. Do you really think these people are going to wear hair nets and orthopedic shoes? Fuck that. And get over yourself. You’ll be old someday and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

  22. You Just Made My List!on 09 Dec 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Bajeezus – Really? Did you really miss the point by that much?

  23. eddkatzon 13 Dec 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Check out the Viagra commercials.

    And then pray your old lady is as hot as Helen Mirren at 55 or sixty.

    There are a few others to fuel my Granny Fantasy-God I hate that term-can we change it to HOW-ILF?

    Hot Older Women I’d Like to…..

  24. Tomon 13 May 2011 at 5:00 pm

    There is something to be said about acting your age, and I’m not just talking children! Adults who don’t act their age by dressing younger than they are, dyeing their hair, getting botox and everything else they do, could be putting themself at risk if something actually happens to them. What if young-looking grandpa is at a Killers show and has a heart attack … but nobody pays attention because they think he just has bad gas … he can’t be having a heart attack, he’s way too young! Or what bout young-looking grandma who is at the mall but gets plowed down by a bunch of tweens who think it would be fun to plow down their school mate? What about Clint Eastwood? Don’t get me started!