Dec 08 2010

Kinkos total bewilderment every time I place an order!

Published by at 3:45 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

I hate FedEx Kinkos, FedEx Kinkos sucks

Please explain to me why it is that every time I place an order at Kinkos (yes I know it’s really called FedEx Office now) they look at me like I have just requested a handjob?

Here’s the scenario…

Brad: “Welcome to Kinkos, I mean FedEx Kinkos, um, I mean FedEx Office. Welcome to us.”

Me: “Hi. I have two PDFs on this thumb drive and I would like some signs printed. As you can see from my diamond rapper-style Rolex, I have precious little time to waste, so let’s make this happen.”

Brad: “OK, I will open your files on this computer here while giving you a dirty look for interrupting my day and making me do what I’m paid for. Do these files look correct?”

Me: “Yes, those are the files I need printed. Can we speed this along, my Lamborghini is parked in the handicap spot. Well, actually it’s parked across all three handicap spots.”

Brad: “OK. Um, how many do you need? One each?”

Me: “No, I will need 40 of each sign.”

Brad: “WHAT?!? 40 each? That’s like 80 signs total you idiot, nobody could ever have a need for 80 signs! It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to even FIND enough places on the Earth to post 80 signs! Clearly you misspoke and meant to order one each of these signs so I will go ahead and note that on the order.”

Me: “I know it’s difficult for you to believe, but when I asked for 40 each of these two signs I actually DID want 40 each of these two signs. I was also aware that 40 plus 40 equaled 80 and I even realized that 80 signs would cost more than two signs. I was under the impression that you made copies of things here at your copy shop.”

Brad: “I have to get the manager on this one. JEFF? JEFF?”

Jeff: “Hello sir, I’m Jeff and I manage this Kinkos, I mean FedEx Office, how can I help you?”

Me: “I would like to order 40 each of these two files but that request has Brad utterly perplexed for some reason. Clearly as the manager, you will sort this out and I will be on my way.”

Jeff: “You son… of… a… bitch. You God damn, motherfucking son-of-a-bitch. I suggest you remove yourself from my property before I am forced to remove you myself. Sir, you make me want to vomit! Now turn around and take your 80 signs the hell out of my Kinkos, FedEx whatever the fuck, and if I ever see your face in here asking for MULTIPLE GOD DAMN COPIES again I will not hesitate to beat you senseless with these inspirational business books.”

Me: “Can I get my drive…”

Jeff and Brad: “GOOD DAY SIR!”

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21 comments so far

21 comments to “Kinkos total bewilderment every time I place an order!”

  1. Fed-ex Fuckheadon 08 Dec 2010 at 6:30 am

    Dear sir,
    In these trying times we are simply looking out for the environment. It is our responsibility to use as little paper as possible to save the rain forests and the easiest way to do this is to be dicks to our customers and belittle them in front of other customers.
    Thank you!

  2. Sarah in Minneapolis; a tributeon 08 Dec 2010 at 9:20 am

    Well, clearly you were being GREEDY. I don’t know who died and made you king of the kinkos….

  3. Tommyon 08 Dec 2010 at 11:31 am

    i hate you

  4. Jackieon 08 Dec 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I have to go with the crowd on this: Your Kinko’s comeuppance has been a long time in coming. Your routinely grotesque, rude behavior with service personnel has you ranked somewhere between Russell Crowe and Zsa Zsa Gabor. Your baffling order outlined here, cleverly designed to belittle or even humiliate even the most eager and conscientious clerk, is yet another shameful chapter in your lengthy book of crude, disparaging, haughty, and hateful history with the kindest, best-intentioned, and knowledgeable folk that Kinko’s has to offer. Disgraceful.

    And for once, could you show some respect by including the apostrophe in Kinko’s name. Is it not enough that you played a key role in the demise of the franchise with your bullying and badmouthing – now you sully its memory with misspellings. Find another grave to spit on.

  5. Diss Contenton 08 Dec 2010 at 1:32 pm

    KinkosFedXOfficeMaXerox are the killing fields of efficiency and puppies.

    The new place to office?

    Great, I see we needed another verb in the lexicon to learn. Americans make money by not wasting time using new words or other languages. We have clearly demonstrated that the metric system is for losers and they can kiss our ten inchers if they don’t like it.

    How about starting with a greeting that matches the services you provide? Asking “how can I help you” does not exclude the possibility of a handjob being available. Show some initiative and empower yourselves.

    How many copies, what format and dimension would you like? This would be a near perfect salutation to my entry into the establishment. Receiving a handjob during the transaction would likely produce a repeat customer.

  6. Ericaon 08 Dec 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Jackie – are you being fascetious? If not, you are deranged.

    Listy – have you seen this skit from The Chapelle Show:

    http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?title=popcopy&videoId=189931

    One of the best skits from that awesome show!!!

  7. Spicypupon 08 Dec 2010 at 3:43 pm

    As a freelance graphic designer I have the occasional need to output things from my thumb drive as well — my KINKOs is 2 blocks from my home office — I will drive across town to output things in friend’s actual offices before I will go into Kinkos anymore. Over the years when work has been VERY slow I have thought about getting a job there (temporarily), I then quickly come to my senses and slap myself around a little for even thinking such a dreadful thing. (cringe)

  8. kenon 08 Dec 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Try ordering onion rings at McDonald’s in-store. There’s no button for that on their little button farm and they can’t process that type of info. Utter bewilderment. See also: ordering the competition’s product, with a straight face. You get that “Really??!” look but they can’t totally correct you.

  9. Paul from Saint Paulon 08 Dec 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Kinko’s employees get a choice slice in this piece:

    http://www.theonion.com/video/time-announces-new-version-of-magazine-aimed-at-ad,17950/

    “Office” is now a verb? This is the most disheartening news since the nineties broke in the misuse of “grow” to use in a business/economic sense. I still shudder when I hear “grow the economy.” I cannot erase the thought of a tractor.

    Here’s hoping that “officing” can be contained to ad campaigns.

  10. Paul from Saint Paulon 08 Dec 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Erica – The “errant feces” Popcopy bathroom duty should be requisite at more locations.

  11. Xinaon 08 Dec 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Your harrowing tale really made me chuckle, as did the comments following it. In my own experience at Kinko’s, once I needed poster sized printouts for work, only 6 in total. Not only did I blow their minds with my order but I actually ended up going behind the counter because the kid didn’t know how to change the size of the borders when they proved to be too large. Yeah fuck you Kinko. I feel your frustration Listy.

  12. mikeon 09 Dec 2010 at 10:30 am

    I’m suprised they even said hello to you when you walked through the door. I’ve gone into kinkos up to the register on numerous occasions in a nearly empty store asside from the 4 or 5 dissgruntled employees who are too “busy” to look up at whatever they are doing to even aknowledge my presence. I once stood there for 3 or 4 minutes until an employee looked up from his computer and in an almost annoyed tone asked me, “Do you need something?”
    “No, I’m just standing here. I get arroused watching Kinkos’ employees hard at work….please Continue.”

  13. The Manon 09 Dec 2010 at 7:28 pm

    hey i just want to put a shameless plug here

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  14. You Just Made My List!on 09 Dec 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Erica – Nice link, thanks.

    Paul – Good job to you too but I missed the Kinkos reference in the piece.

    The Man – OK, that’s 3 plugs I’ve given you now. I think that should do it. Hate mail is fun though.

  15. Paul from Saint Paulon 09 Dec 2010 at 11:20 pm

    That’s because while I was mucking around, the Onion put on another damn video.

    This is the one with the panel discussing the plight of students who don’t give a shit. They end up at Kinko’s:

    http://www.theonion.com/video/in-the-know-are-tests-biased-against-students-who,17966/

    Jackie, do you realize that you are using the possessive of the possessive: “the apostrophe in Kinko’s name” as in “the name OF Kinko’s.” If you’re going whole hog on this, I suggest Kinko’s’s. Turnabout is fair play in petty orthography.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 10 Dec 2010 at 8:15 am

    Paul – That was awesome, one of their best reports!

  17. Diss Contenton 10 Dec 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Well Paul from Saint Paul,

    Perhaps if more people were ‘officing’, we could ‘grow ‘the economy and return Kinko’s to its former glory as the breeding ground for future DMV clerks.

    Will there ever be a time when abject disdain for the customer will return in the form of a robust economy? We can only hope.

  18. Blanchforon 10 Dec 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Jeff’s line after he hears about the 80 copies reminds me of the “Star Wars 7” Whitest Kids U’ Know skit:

    George Lucas: You mean redo the original trilogy? Brilliant!

    Kid: Naw, I was just thinking we a do a movie that takes place after Return of the Jedi…

    George Lucas: What… the… fuck… WHAT THE FUUUUCK!?!?! HOOOOOOOO!!

    youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DjESgJCOAeYw

  19. tomtungon 12 Apr 2011 at 5:54 am

    Just to say that this beaviour is slowly becoming a world wild epidemic. Slowly eeking its way into our lives like cool japanese gadgets which are now must haves,by the way is an epidemic world wide localized……well anyway its of pandemic proportions.

    Where I am from they look at you like you just sat on some cow $h1t and you asked them to lick it off your boots. They feel that employement at that establishment is a birth right that certainly entails a conbination of a sleeping tablet and a laxitive taken at the same time while at the helm of this million dollar enterprise( whose bosses are not fully aware of the Fcukerie that is taking place )

    Regards.

  20. FedOffon 20 Jul 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Kinko’s does not exist. It ceased existing shortly after it was bought by FedEx. Sure, while the shipping corporation kept all the employees of the copy corporations, they just gave them more work to do, added slow java based POS to replace the time effective paper model; cut payroll so that stores that used to to staff 20 plus employees must make due with 10 or less; they replaced hands on in person training with useless web modules; cut out all of their graphic designers and outsource such projects to India. Above all, Kinko’s stopped existing when the employees stopped getting bonuses and had to ask every customer to purchase a retail item, for which they would get a measly $1 commission for each sale.
    Please stop calling it Kinko’s and keep your expectations low and you might actually have a pleasant experience.

  21. You Just Made My List!on 20 Jul 2012 at 11:41 pm

    I doubt it.