Jan 03 2011

Angel hair pasta!

Published by at 3:31 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

angel hair pasta sucks

Oh thanks beautiful angel for letting me eat your sauce-soaked hair!

There’s only one thing horrible enough to wake me from my recent lazy holiday writing schedule. Angel hair pasta is the pussy of all pastas. I don’t mean that as a compliment, as in, angel hair pasta is awesome like female sexy parts. No, I mean angel hair pasta is the nerd of the pasta world.  Spaghetti is James Brown* and angel hair pasta is the Spin Doctors.**

I think I would rather eat actual hair than ever put another lifeless, slippery tangle of angel hair nonsense in my pretty mouth. Plus, angel hair pasta is always slimy and over-cooked because it’s so fucking thin it’s practically already cooked just from being near a boiling pot of water. It’s like when a little kid pukes just from seeing a roller coaster whiz by. At least in that scenario the people on the roller coaster are having fun, with angel hair pasta everybody loses.

*This could either be the young James Brown or the old drugged out, bat-shit crazy James Brown.

**Pick any era of the Spin Doctors you want.

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24 comments so far

24 comments to “Angel hair pasta!”

  1. Piggdooron 03 Jan 2011 at 4:20 am

    It’s better than ramen.

  2. You Just Made My List!on 03 Jan 2011 at 8:22 am

    Pig – You have made a lot of crazy comments on this site, but that was easily the craziest.

  3. saraon 03 Jan 2011 at 8:51 am

    You ever watch a little kid eat Angel Hair. they just keep swallowing and swallowing never CHEWING. I feed my kid penne or something, I don’t want to see those whole strings come back up later.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 03 Jan 2011 at 8:55 am

    Of course, there’s nothing to chew, it’s hair!

  5. Yours Trulyon 03 Jan 2011 at 10:12 am

    Hey! I love angel hair pasta! It’s like an olive branch from God saying, “hey, I know I screwed the pooch when I left human decency cooking on the stove a lot longer than I had intended, but here’s some delicious spaghetti variant to take your mind off how shitty your fellow man is! Let none who eat it doubt My greatness!”

    And here you are trashing God’s gift to the culinary world. Do you know what that makes you?

    A WITCH!

  6. Diss Contenton 03 Jan 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Perhaps presentation and context should be considered regarding this culinary marvel.

    I have a recipe with angel hair pasta and mushrooms called “Holy Shitake” and another with angel hair covering a bed of red savina habanero peppers called “Hell Toupee”.

  7. calebon 03 Jan 2011 at 12:31 pm

    i’m with you, Listy – Angel Hair pasta is like eating mushy worms. come to think of it Angel Food cake sucks too. whats up with the angels and their crap food?

    personally as far as pasta goes, i’m a Farfalle kind of guy.

  8. Lawrenceon 03 Jan 2011 at 1:06 pm


    Angel Food cake sucks? Why do you hate America and freedom so much?

  9. Xinaon 03 Jan 2011 at 4:09 pm

    I love angel hair pasta. Big, thick pasta in my mouth is the grossest! Big, thick anything in my mouth is gross.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 03 Jan 2011 at 4:13 pm

    Xina – Are you trying to break up with me?

    To all all you angel hair supporters… are you insane? It’s no coincidence that angel hair pasta has the same initials as Adolf Hitler.

  11. Jackieon 03 Jan 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Angel food cake is one of life’s great disappointments, especially to those with a grandmother who cannot be dissuaded from making it for your birthday, year after year.

  12. Piggdooron 04 Jan 2011 at 12:21 am

    Angel food cake is better than ramen.

  13. Melissaon 05 Jan 2011 at 10:54 am

    In this case, I’d say the comments on here are funnier than the original post. A testament to the kind of people you attract, not an insult.

  14. You Just Made My List!on 05 Jan 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Melissa – Thank you?

  15. Melissaon 05 Jan 2011 at 4:05 pm

    I totally think you’re awesome and angel hair is for suckers. The comments were just cracking me up…

  16. You Just Made My List!on 05 Jan 2011 at 4:07 pm

    I just hate it when the comments expose my lazy writing.

  17. Melissaon 05 Jan 2011 at 6:32 pm

    If it makes you feel any better, the Adolph Hiltler comment was my favorite, and I didn’t catch that it was you who said it. Buck up little camper!

  18. You Just Made My List!on 05 Jan 2011 at 8:16 pm

    I’m the best.

  19. Jonathanon 07 Jan 2011 at 9:46 am

    Angel hair pasta does suck. It’s next to impossible to actually get any on your fork, and when you finally manage to wrangle a sloppy forkful into your stupid mouth, it just disappears as if you ate nothing.

    I also nominate gnocchi for the Sucky Pasta Hall of Fame. Gnocchi looks so yummy and filling, but then when you get it, it’s just a starchy, gooey pile of slop.

  20. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jan 2011 at 9:53 am

    Gnocchi is a national treasure! Apologize to gnocchi.

  21. Jonathanon 11 Jan 2011 at 1:48 pm

    It’s a treasure to what nation?? Starchistan?? Ugh. So starchy.

  22. Tomon 13 May 2011 at 4:11 pm

    I couldn’t agree more!!

  23. Andreaon 20 Jan 2012 at 5:33 pm

    I’m with you. I hate angel hair pasta. I just google why do I hate angel hair pasta and yours was the first hit. My baby has been napping way too long and I am obviously bored:)

  24. hiddlestoneron 22 Jul 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Growing up, angel hair pasta was the only pasta my mother made. Bless her. Every time, and I mean EVERY TIME we ate it, I’d always end up choking on it. I’m scarred for life, because of that stuff. I’ll eat any other pasta, except that. I was so glad when I became old enough to make REAL spaghetti!