Jan 18 2011

Guys who claim to not like porn!

Published by at 3:29 am under Jerks

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Girls, I’m going to let you in on a little secret… your boyfriend likes porn. Your husband likes porn even more.

HEY, calm down, it’s not the end of the world, you big baby. I’m not saying he’s ordering European horse porn and having it delivered to a PO box in the next town over, but I am saying that he has enjoyed “normal” porn in the past and will continue to in the future. The computer screen you are looking at right now has most likely been the stage on which tiny pizza delivery men and lonely housewives perform acts of unspeakable awesomeness.

It’s OK though. He still loves you! He just wants to watch men with questionable fashion sense make sweet dirty love to women who never take off their pearls or high heels. It’s perfectly normal and healthy, unless he really is into horse porn, then you have a serious problem on your hands, especially if you own a horse. Why are you even dating a guy who likes horse porn? Get on that horse and ride the hell out of town, tonight!

I know I know, he’s told you many times that he thinks “porn is dumb” and it “doesn’t do anything for him,” he’s mostly lying out of fear and/or respect for you. While it is true that most porn is about as erotic as getting your teeth drilled (I’m sure you can actually find teeth-drilling porn) the incredible amount of porn produced in the last four decades insures there is something that even your perfect Johnny likes.

Please do yourself a favor and don’t start interrogating him tonight at Olive Garden. There’s really no need to worry about it, guys loving hardcore porn is as American as… well, I guess it’s as American as guys loving softcore porn. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

You should really be asking yourself why you can afford a horse but still choose to eat fucking Olive Garden.

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13 comments so far

13 comments to “Guys who claim to not like porn!”

  1. ffafon 18 Jan 2011 at 4:07 am

    Excellent listy. I once had a friend who claimed to never have seen porn, and never have whacked off. We all knew he never had a girlfriend, so clearly he was lying.

  2. Dieteron 18 Jan 2011 at 6:17 am

    Thank you thank you thank you. I will forward this post to my girlfriend who once caught me checking out porn – not the horse kind but just normal wholesome guy on girl porn – and gave me a hard time about it, she told me she was disappointed. Anyway, better than what happened to a childhood friend of mine who got caught jerking off when he was like 14 and then his mother insisted on sending him to therapy!

  3. billmigukon 18 Jan 2011 at 6:42 am

    What’s wrong with horse porn?

  4. Yours Trulyon 18 Jan 2011 at 7:02 am

    LIAR!

    There’s no such thing as “normal” porn on the internet.
    Clearly you’ve never seen a Japanese porn site.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 18 Jan 2011 at 8:40 am

    Yours – Don’t underestimate the porn I have seen.

  6. Tommyon 18 Jan 2011 at 10:56 am

    I literally bumped in to Ron Jeremy on Friday in downtown LA

  7. Rebeccaon 18 Jan 2011 at 11:14 am

    I am immediately suspicious of a guy who says he doesn’t like porn. I say, “Why not?? Everybody loves porn!” Enjoyed solo, enjoyed together, whatever!

    I don’t know what most women/girlfriends/wives are afraid of!

    And those who think porn is sexist… read some Camille Paglia.

    “Feminist anti-porn discourse virtually always ignores the gigantic gay male porn industry, since any mention of the latter would bring crashing to the ground the absurd argument that pornography is by definition subordination of women…Far from poisoning the mind, pornography shows the deepest truth about sexuality, stripped of romantic veneer….What feminists denounce as woman’s humiliating total accessibility in porn is actually her elevation to high priestess of a pagan paradise garden, where the body has become a bountiful fruit tree where growth and harvest are simultaneous.” (Vamps & Tramps, p. 66)

  8. Saraon 18 Jan 2011 at 12:32 pm

    so glad that when we get married there wont be any grief about my porn habit

  9. Piggdooron 18 Jan 2011 at 3:57 pm

    BOING!!!!!

  10. You Just Made My List!on 18 Jan 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Tommy – Were you at an orgy? I have to admit, I am incredibly jealous of your hedgehog sighting. Did you at least say hello?

  11. You Just Made My List!on 18 Jan 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Sara – We are going to watch A LOT of porn.

  12. Lilyon 20 Jan 2011 at 9:16 pm

    WHAT? I like porn. I’d be worried about a guy who claimed not to like porn. Porn is awesome.

  13. Saraon 24 Jan 2011 at 2:19 pm

    wow listy, turn me on