Jan 20 2011

Scrambled eggs!

Published by at 3:41 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

scrambled eges suck, I hate scrambled eggs

It’s about time someone had the courage to speak out against these pieces of shit.

Now, before you waste your time (although I’m guessing most of you are unemployed and have plenty of time on your hands)… anyway, before you waste your time telling me your tips for “the most awesome” scrambled eggs, please allow me to stop you, I don’t want to fucking hear it.

It took me decades to finally realize I have never actually enjoyed a single plate of scrambled eggs. I used to be brainwashed just like you and found myself charmed by the warm and fuzzy reputation of scrambled eggs. I mean, just look at those cute little yellow pillows of protein begging to be cuddled by your tongue. Well, much like a cute little bear cub, these fuckers snap in an instant and destroy you.

How is it possible that eggs over-easy can taste so perfectly delicious but as soon as you scramble that sucker up it tastes like a wad of toilet paper soaked in egg water? Also, the toilet paper has poop on it.

And while I’m at it, fuck you omelets! The only reason you are slightly better tasting than scrambled eggs is because you have so much shit in you, you are barely even eggs anymore. Such an ego on you, omelets. And how the fuck do you even spell omelet? I want it to be omelette but spell check is making fun of me for that choice. That’s how I spelled it here but suddenly it’s not good enough for my spell check. Even my computer hates whipped eggs!

Why is the universe trying to kill me?

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16 comments so far

16 comments to “Scrambled eggs!”

  1. JBon 20 Jan 2011 at 6:53 am

    Listy 2012!

  2. saraon 20 Jan 2011 at 7:26 am

    The same summer I learned how to properly fry and egg was the same summer I got proposed to…..coincidence?

    “it tastes like a wad of toilet paper soaked in egg water Also, the toilet paper has poop on it.”
    -this definition is worthy of websters

  3. Yours Trulyon 20 Jan 2011 at 7:37 am

    I think I’ll waste my time by telling you my tips for “the most awesome” scrambled eggs:
    STEP 1: Don’t make scrambled eggs
    STEP 2: Make them over easy instead.
    STEP 3: Never consider making scrambled eggs again.
    There. Perfect scrambled eggs every time.

  4. Rachelon 20 Jan 2011 at 9:19 am

    sara– have you made a fried egg sandwich? it is how god intended eggs to be eaten.

  5. Diss Contenton 20 Jan 2011 at 10:06 am

    Eggs are just like every other vegetable and intended only as a garnish or for display purposes. What did you have for breakfast? That’s right it’s BACON and eggs or HAM and eggs. The star of the show gets first billing in any meal.

    Happy Easter kids, let’s go in the back yard and hunt for sausages. Like anyone would ever consider doing that to a culinary icon. Eggs however can be colored and painted and hidden behind the shed because no one intends to eat these things and never has.

    I’m sure we all experienced the teenage thrill of pelting someone’s home with oh what was it…. Ummm pork chops… errr was it…. Ahhh… that’s right eggs. What other food holds such utter contempt by consumers that it is delivered as a ballistic insult? There simply is none.

    Eggs serve one useful purpose in that they remind me what will be in that paper bucket for lunch.

  6. Tommyon 20 Jan 2011 at 10:43 am

    You’ve gone too far this time listy, FUCK YOU!

  7. Lawrenceon 20 Jan 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Scrambled eggs = Freedom

    That makes you a terrorist!

  8. kenon 20 Jan 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Scrambled is the ONLY way I eat eggs at breakfast. No over easy, no fried, no poached, only scrambled.

    And the tip is a splash of milk in the eggs while scrambling.

  9. Jim Joneson 20 Jan 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Maybe you should check over at Food Network and see if Guy Fi-what-the-fuck-ever has a “money” recipe for scrambled eggs!?!?

  10. Nikkion 20 Jan 2011 at 10:20 pm

    I hate scrambled eggs. Over-easy with toast, please and thank you.

  11. BeLLon 21 Jan 2011 at 6:08 am

    I tottally agree that those little “curtels” of egg endtrails, are totally pointless without a “Seasoning Intervension”!

    This method is also very useful for those certain few people that may perfer to have there pancakes served.. PLAIN! No Syrupe, No brick of Butter on top of shack.
    Not to mention some fruit slices and whipped cream to top it off! YaY! Oopps.. Now I lost my Point. Sorry! >.<

  12. JulieJulieJulieon 21 Jan 2011 at 9:42 am

    Hey Listy, maybe you should check out the Food Network’s database of “recipes” for how to make a fried egg, if you’re looking for an alternative to scrambled. You can pair it with Rachael Ray’s “late night bacon”!

  13. SanFranon 21 Jan 2011 at 11:17 pm

    Listy, you’re WAY out of your league here… Eggs fucking rock. Reminds me of the Far Side cartoon where there’s a chicken and and an egg laying in bed. The Egg is smoking a cigarette and saying something like “now we know the answer to that question…”

    Anyhow, if/when you visit, I’ll make you an omelette that’ll make you cream your jeans. It includes fresh-made pesto, avocado, crazy-sharp cheddar cheese (and two others), dry-roasted shitake mushrooms, sage, and chipotle.

    It’s not all about the ingredients, either… but the prep.

    Consider yourself warned. If you make any nasty remarks, I’ll refuse to make you my famous french toast, as well.

  14. PoodlesRuleon 22 Jan 2011 at 3:06 am

    @SanFran: That sounds great. I’ll be there Sunday for brunch. I’ll be the hot brunette holding the french press of Peet’s.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 22 Jan 2011 at 8:38 am

    SanFran – Hey now, I love eggs, just not scrambled.

    This sounds like a romantic little visit you have planned for us. I agree to try your jeans creamers (as they will be known hence forth) but I can’t predict my reaction. If jeans are creamed, I will certainly let you know. Actually, you will be able to tell because I normally scream profanities while having an orgasm.

    We will be driving to L.A. in the beginning of August, so maybe we should come through your neck of the world first, then take a nice drive down the coast.

  16. Spicypupon 31 Jan 2011 at 8:52 pm

    @ JulieJulieJulie
    Thanks for mentioning the “late night bacon” — some of the comments are just wonderful — nearly as good as some after Listy’s posts. Kept the laughs going!