Nov 03 2008

Critical Mass, A.K.A smelly bike jerks!

Published by at 3:00 am under Jerks

I have nothing against people riding bikes (except these cock holes) and I have nothing against trying to burn less gas by riding a bike BUT if you have ever been hijacked by these assholes you can understand my anger.

If you don’t know what “Critical Mass” is consider yourself lucky. The last Friday night of every month hundreds of bikers gather and ride through urban areas causing traffic jams with smirks on their ironically mustached faces. They ride in a large group and take great joy in holding up traffic by stopping in busy intersections and riding around in circles. In general it’s a parade of assholes that pisses everyone off.

It’s the typical, misguided, hippie theory of protesting. Make sure EVERYONE hates you at all times!

“Hey dudes, like we should teach everyone about how awesome bikes are. I was thinking we could like hold up traffic and make everyone hate the sight of a bicycle and like show people how much gas cars waste by making them waste more gas while we block their yuppie asses. It will be totally sweet and create even more pollution. Now, where’s my mustache wax?”

Can you tell I was just trapped by these douchebags on Friday? Idiots.

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14 comments so far

14 comments to “Critical Mass, A.K.A smelly bike jerks!”

  1. Bennon 03 Nov 2008 at 5:59 am

    Hm…I’ve been a part of that before.
    But I was the guy throwing water balloons full of dog potty at them.
    Please, don’t ask how I managed to get dog potty into a water balloon. It was a difficult task, and I’d rather not talk about it.

  2. Creature of Habiton 03 Nov 2008 at 8:19 am

    I hate these assholes too. Around here, they add the bonus of being DRUNK! Wheeeee! And violent- hitting windshields, throwing shit at you!

    Nothing like pissing off the masses, even if the masses have big, heavy automobiles and are prone to road rage. Bikers here are completely lawless even though they are given bike lanes and respect. They are supposed to follow the same rules of the road as cars, but they don’t. The day I see a biker yield to a pedestrian in a cross walk, or stop at a stop sign, or stop at a red light is the day I will bike my ass across this country.

    ps- I am a biker. But not that kind of biker.

  3. Reedon 03 Nov 2008 at 9:40 am

    One day when my son was an infant my wife came downtown to take him to a doctor’s appointment and then picked me up from work. We got stopped in the middle of a Critical Mass jag and people kept pounding on the roof of our car causing the baby to wail in terror.

    These guys are self serving, ignorant j-holes. Thanks for posting this. I’ve hated them for years. They give an otherwise good thing, biking, an ass piss name.

  4. SanFranon 03 Nov 2008 at 12:05 pm

    I’m an occasional participant, and here in SFO, it’s more like THOUSANDS of bikes – and yes, it pisses people off, and seems to be a pretty good way to put some leverage on city hall – but from the wrong direction I’m afraid. We also have a Bike Coalition that is very, very active in city government – which I think is a far, far more effective way to get things done, without pissing the masses off.

    As a daily bike commuter, I’ve had quite a few problems with drivers, mostly not paying attention, but sometimes out of anger. If Critical Mass is going on, I try to get home before it starts and spins off thousands of aggravated drivers just looking for a reason to retaliate.

    I’ve also had a fair share of problems from other bikers, mostly the single-speed hipsters who discriminate against other bikers who have brakes or a derailleur. These are the shitheads that give the vast majority of us a bad name on the streets. Most of us stop at lights, and obey the rules of the road.

    When on my bike, I pretend I’m completely invisible – it’s the only way to stay alive!

  5. You Just Made My List!on 03 Nov 2008 at 12:34 pm

    I really do support the bicycle movement but if bikers are ever going to convince others to take up the cause they need to find a more civil way to present their message. I know not everyone who rides in critical mass acts this way but I have definitely seen “mob mentality” take over and turn otherwise normal people into bike nazi assholes.

    I ride a scooter and have taken part in many large rides with hundreds of scooters but the difference is we do it in a way that does not make people hate us. Actually the opposite is true, people of all ages smile and wave at the sight. In turn all the scooters wave and honk back. It is a COMPLETELY different vibe.

    San Fran, I know what you mean about the danger of riding a bike surrounded by cars. I experience the same thing on my scooter.

  6. Creature of Habiton 03 Nov 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Another unintended consequence of this – Critical Mass for roller bladers. Yes- we have that here and it’s infuriating!

    Maybe SFO is more reasonable with their bikers, but in Boston / Camb / S’ville not one biker obeys the rules of the road. The #1 rule here is pedestrians have the right of way, but I and my dog have almost been hit in the crosswalk by bikers so many times in the last 5 years I’ve honestly lost count.

    I will agree, the fixie hipsters are the WORST. They’ve also ruined the bike store experience. If you walk in to talk about anything other than fixed gear or $10,000 road bikes and all the gear, you are cast aside- not worth their ultra-cool time.

  7. SanFranon 03 Nov 2008 at 1:23 pm

    Creature of Habit… Having moved here from Boston, commuting from Porter Sq to downtown (usually only a few days a week though, as I am self-employed and worked from home back then) – I know what you’re talking about… I’ve never felt more on-edge riding anywhere else. Between the parallel parking, lack of shoulder, oblivious drivers, people running red lights and generally poor road conditions, it’s 1) no wonder biking hasn’t been adopted and 2) those adoptees haven’t all been killed or maimed.

    I can’t say I miss those winter days, riding across the Charles on the Mass Ave bridge with ice pelting me at 35mph from the Northeast… I no longer need my studded tires! Speaking of which, it’s time I hit the road for the office…

  8. Solomon808on 03 Nov 2008 at 7:24 pm

    We got those fucking assholes here in Austin to. The ironic thing is they pretend not to be yuppies but they are. They are just as much slaves to fashion and consumerism as the people they preach against. I drove right through the middle of all of them in my 5.0 V8 gas guzzling Crown Vic while they all cussed and yelled about their rights. FUCK YOU!!! FUCKING ASSHOLES!!! I got rights to. Like not having my time taken advantage of by some pretentious, hypocritical hippies. These are the jerks that go down main roads in rush hour traffic taking up the whole lane peddling like mad going 10 mph. I’m making spears out of broom handles to throw in their spokes as I drive by laughing. FUCKING YIPPIES!!!

  9. SanFranon 03 Nov 2008 at 10:19 pm

    Solomon808: while I think you’re a dick for guzzling gas in your Crown Vic, which is unrelated to anything here… I agree completely that a good number of these “hipsters”… Yippies – BRILLIANT – I’ll be using that one.. are pretty well to do. Many of the ‘fixie’ and single-speed bikes here may look simple, but upon closer inspection, lots of them are pretty high-end hand-built frames. Some of ’em cost a fucking mint. I’ve also recently learned that often times, they each have a few of these bikes, not just one, and they ‘dress down’ to look poor or something.

    I don’t get it, either.

  10. Bennon 04 Nov 2008 at 4:33 am

    I’ve got a question.
    Why does it matter if somebody is driving a “gas guzzling” Crown Vic? I mean, it’s not like he lives next door to you. It’s not affecting you in any way whatsoever, so why does it matter?
    And don’t be a dick and point out what I already know. Yeah, no shit oil is not going to be around forever.
    Hell, I wouldn’t even have a problem with him driving it around in my neighborhood all day long. I honestly don’t see why it’s a problem. It’s not like we’re going to run out of oil in your lifetime. Sure it’s causing global warming.
    But the real question here: why do you take such offense to Solomon808 driving his Crown Vic to the point where you would call him a dick?
    Would you not drive that vehicle if that was your only mode of transportation? Because I’m pretty sure you would.
    But seriously…what do you drive? A Honda Civic?
    I think you’re a dick because you even drive a vehicle. If you drive a Honda Civic, you’re a dick because you think you’re better than me by driving a hybrid. If you don’t have a car, I think you’re a dick because you think you’re better than me because you think you’re more “eco friendly.” I just think you’re a dick SanFran. Only because you have no real reason to call Solomon808 a dick.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 04 Nov 2008 at 8:30 am

    Alright everyone, nobody’s a dick (except me).


  12. SanFranon 04 Nov 2008 at 4:27 pm

    Benn, settle… I think you might have missed the snarky humor in my post. Re-read it and realize that it’s completely ridiculous, and completely in-line with the whole dick-fucking site! Thus, it was a complement. I speculate that Solomon808 wants to be a dick in his crown vic – that’s why he brought it up (I’d also like to point out that it rhymes pretty nicely). He could just as easily left his choice of car out of it, but he didn’t. His point was clearly to be the antithesis of those involved in Critical Mass.

    What does it matter, you ask? It doesn’t really.

    What do I drive? A quarry truck, and it’s painted like the confederate flag! (NO SHIT!)

    Would I drive the crown vic if it were my only means of transportation? Hard to say, honestly. I think I’d likely prefer to do what I do every single day – walk past my ’73 VW in the garage and either walk my ass to the subway, or more frequently, saddle up my bike and ride. It’s quicker to get around on bike anyhow, and I could crush your head in between my massive, pulsating quads (but only with your express written permission)

    Now, as far as your broad presumptions: No, I don’t drive a civic, and thus, a civic isn’t necessarily a hybrid – only a portion of civics produced are hybrids. I guess they don’t teach deductive reasoning in high school any more? I don’t think I’m better than you, either. We’re all in this together and our blood is all red, even if it’s boiling.

    I stand by my original comment that I think Solomon808 is a dick within the confines of the topic of Critical Mass and the battle between drivers and riders. I’m sure otherwise he’s a fine, modern gentleman.

    So there you have it: I have a car, that is not a hybrid, which I seldom drive, because it just doesn’t make environmental or fiscal sense. I’m happy to be your dick, because everyone sucks to someone.

    OK, where was I.. RIGHT – going to the grocery store, on my bike!

  13. steveon 05 Dec 2009 at 2:46 am

    let’s all have a little party where we block off major intersections with our cars and not let bicycles through! It will make some huge important ‘point’.

    I’m glad people ride bikes-sometimes I ride a bike, but……the critical mass idiots can ride their bikes right up their own asses. If ever there was a group of folks on bikes I would slowly and willfully plow through the middle of, it is them.


  14. CTon 29 Sep 2012 at 10:33 am

    We have these idiots in Minneapolis too. I ride a bike too, but strictly for recreation, and on the many miles of park trails we have. One thing I hate about driving in Minneapolis is that these people seem to disregard all traffic laws, and it’s a struggle not to run any over. I swear these people rely on bikes as their primary mode of transportation because they faild driver’s ed and can’t get a license. And even on bikes they can’t obey the traffic laws if their lives depended on it. But in the grand scheme of things, Darwinism will take care of them one by one.