Nov 18 2008

Tapas!

Published by at 3:00 am under Jerks

Here’s the thing about tapas, I love to EAT tapas and that’s where the problem begins. Any time I go to a tapas restaurant I end up eating approximately one cube of potato, three pieces of bread and an olive. But wait, when I looked at the table it was covered in food. There were miniature plates everywhere!

I suppose it’s really my fault for not taking more food from each tiny plate as they whiz by. I just feel guilty taking too much when 10 people are trying to share food from plates that belong in a doll house. Half the time I don’t even get to taste the food I ordered. I just sit there and watch like a hungry dog as my dish travels around the table. As it passes through the filthy hands of my soon to be ex-friends I watch as the cubes of cheese I ordered begin to disappear. I quickly do the math and realize no cheese will be entering my mouth hole this evening. I fantasize about fabulously violent ways to kill each and every one of my cheese-filled “friends.” One will get an oily skewer to the neck while another I will drown in sangria. You will all pay the price for eating my cheese you pieces of shit!

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6 comments so far

6 comments to “Tapas!”

  1. Xinaon 18 Nov 2008 at 10:51 am

    Honey, why do you go eat tapas with so many people? Just go with one or two of your closest buds, maybe have a snack before you leave and don’t ever be afraid to take the last piece of anything even if you have to stab someone’s hand with a fork to get it!! And, if all else fails, just drink, drink, drink.

  2. CDBon 18 Nov 2008 at 10:58 am

    what hole _will_ the cheese be entering this evening?

  3. You Just Made My List!on 18 Nov 2008 at 11:07 am

    Xina, I know but it seems like people only suggest going for tapas when it’s a large group. They think it’s more festive to be fighting over food like starving villagers apparently.

    CDB, Zing! I will admit to laughing at this excellent burn but if I ever see you at a tapas restaurant… look out!

  4. Lon 18 Nov 2008 at 1:12 pm

    So maybe this post should be titled “Eating Tapas With Friends”?? Or maybe just Friends in general…

  5. You Just Made My List!on 18 Nov 2008 at 1:14 pm

    L, no, I still blame tapas.

  6. SanFranon 18 Nov 2008 at 8:56 pm

    We’re big fans of Tapas, too – and often my wife and I partake in them, just the two of us – but often, like you – there is a big-ass gang of us – when this happens, we more or less split the group in half, and order two of everything.

    Anyone found to be nonconforming in this winds up taking a dirt nap in a ditch, at night, in the rain, forever.

    Granted, our Tapas dining group numbers are dwindling as a result, which helps solve the problem I guess.

    Also, if there are vegetarians in the group, order a few extra meat meat dishes (you know, anything that had eyes) and get your inner caveman fired up.