Stop it! Stop wearing Che Guevara t-shirts and stop stuffing your stupid baby into Che onesies in an attempt to prove your kid is cool. Your kid is a dork and it’s your fault.
Is there anything more Ironic and wrong that a man known for counterculture, revolution and anti-capitalism is now plastered all over $40 baby shirts? Che would shit his pantalones with excitement if he knew his message of socialism and guerrilla warfare had finally reached Brian Cunningham of North Haven, Connecticut. Guess what? Brian thinks it’s a Rage Against The Machine shirt.
If you want to wear a Che Guevara shirt that badly please buy this one. While you’re at it get rid of your stupid fucking Von Dutch crap too. Kenny “Von Dutch” Howard was a psycho racist.
Come on, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Is VH1 really so bored that they need to pull Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black out of the mothballs to make snarky comments on the ACTUAL DECADE WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN?
Hey, who remembers hurricane Katrina? That was hilarious! Remember Paris Hilton? What ever happened to her? And just who DID let the dogs out? Is this show real or is it an elaborate hoax created by my enemies to give me a rage-induced heart attack?
OK, here’s the deal. I liked “I Love the 80’s” the first time around. In fact I watched all ten episodes in a row at my friend’s house. I was moderately amused by “I Love the 70’s.” Then came “I Love the 90’s” and I was starting to fantasize about different ways to murder Hal Sparks. What’s next “I Love right now” where Michael Ian Black discusses what Hal Sparks just said and Hal Sparks discusses what Michael Ian Black just said in a never-ending loop?
Stop it VH1. You are making me dislike Michael Ian Black, a person I happen to really like otherwise. On the other hand, I could give two shits about Hal Sparks and his crap heavy metal band. How can you possibly sound heavy and awesome if the name of your band is “The Hal Sparks Band?”
“Dude, why are your ears bleeding?”
“Oh, I was just listening to The Hal Sparks Band.”
VH1, stop before you kill again. Let Hal go back to his first love, trying to find leather pants in toddler sizes so he can look tough.
Way to go God, ya jerk! You think it’s funny to take Golden Girls star Estelle Getty just three days before her 85th birthday? Is that funny to you tough guy?
Estelle Getty was by far my favorite Golden Girl. For those of you who think it’s more important to read a book than watch awesome TV, Estelle played the part of the sassy but classy Sophia Petrillo, mother of Bea Arthur’s character Dorthy Zbornak although she was actually younger than Bea. Estelle Getty was genuinely funny as Sophia and I highly recommend you stop reading that stupid book of yours and go buy every DVD box set of the Golden Girls immediately.
Fucking god damn John Mayer is making me like him and it’s pissing me off! He’s already on my list and now he MUST make a second appearance for making me love him. WHHHHHHHY!
Here’s the deal, I hate hate HATE his crap music and I will ALWAYS hate it. It is the worst brand of bottom of the barrel, middle of the road, bland crap and I despise it with every cell in my body. BUT, thanks to Fox placing TMZ between two episodes of The Simpsons every day I now know more about John Mayer than I ever hoped to. My worst fears have been realized because John Mayer is funny. There really is no way around it. He’s funny in front of the paparazzi (or as we call it on TMZ the “paps”) and he’s funny in the clip below.
How fucking dare this asshole make me like him! John, call me.
Have you seen the documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters yet? If not, hurry the hell up because it rules. You know what doesn’t rule, Billy Mitchell and his little disciple Brian Kuh. They suck very hard.
It has nothing to do with the possibility that Billy cheated or the fact that he won’t break world records at the little Twin Galaxies festival of virgins, I just can’t stand the guy. He’s the worst kind of nerd, arrogant and with zero self-awareness. I like my nerds to be fearful and lonely. I want them to flinch when I fake punch them.
It’s no wonder Billy Mitchell walks around like the Arthur Fonzarelli of the arcade. He is literally worshiped by a small but devoted group of video game dorks. Adult video game dorks. He is king of the dorks. And what a heroic figure he is with his beautiful, long, 1984 porno hair and his novelty, America-themed neckties. He’s like a cross between Jesus and Chewbacca.
Every night before bed Billy has to remove Brian Kuh from his ass. If Billy Mitchell is king of the dorks then Brian is… well… Brian is just a fucking dork! I just came to a startling realization, Billy Mitchell IS cool. I mean in his world he does deserve to be king. He hangs out with 40 year old guys who still play Marble Madness WITH THEIR FEET. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Billy Mitchell is the only member of Twin Galaxies who has ever kissed a girl.
Maybe I’m jealous of Billy Mitchell. Maybe I want to be Billy Mitchell. I’m just kidding, I was trying to sound like a real writer coming to some stupid realization. No, the truth is I can’t stand Billy and Brian Kuh and people who play Marble Madness with their feet.
Why is it that every couple years some science program on TV has to remind me that my body is covered in harmless microscopic mites? Do I really need to know my god damn eyebrows are teeming with tiny jerks eating my dead skin cells? Stop it already, enough! Oh, and don’t forget your bed sheets and pillows are covered too!
I have to go barf. I’m sure there are mites in that too.
Oh how I love Bravo’s Project Runway. Seriously, I LOVE it and have been a fan starting with season one. The first episode of each season always feels a bit strange because the setting is unchanged from the previous season but the cast of characters is unrecognizable. It’s as if you are watching your favorite stupid show like “Everybody Loves Raymond” but every season 90% of the cast is replaced with new actors. The one consistent thing about episode one of Project Runway is that the most annoying designers quickly make themselves known and this season is no different.
As the popularity of past designers with stupid gimmicks and catchphrases grows (I’m looking down at you Christian Siriano with your fucking annoying “fierce” bullshit) so grows the number of dumb asses who make it on the show to promote their personalities rather than their design skills. This season is filled with shit heads and douchebags, in fact there are too many to write about.
Let’s start with Stella. Give it up guy, you’re like 60 years old and you look like Alice Cooper. It’s over.
Next up, Jerry. Get your pinhead off my TV.
That brings us to Suede. I kind of hate you so much right now that I can barely discuss you. Don’t get too used to hanging with Tim Gunn, you will be back in Ohio soon. Suede? Are you fucking kidding me with that name? Anyone who refers to themselves in the third person needs to be put in Guantanamo Bay.
And the mother of all Project Runway tools has to be “Blayne.” Really take a moment to soak in his name… BLAYNE. Fuck off and fuck off hard! If he makes it past another episode and “holla atcha boy” becomes the new “fierce” I might have to stop wearing “urban street wear” as a protest. This orange, piece of shit is obviously only there to promote his catch phrase “holla atcha boy” and I pray they will send him straight back to Compton soon.
Kudos to Emily, Kelli and Kenly for being hot and to Terri for having the guts to try and pass himself off as a woman. Way to go dude!
Does the fact that I can barely stomach to be within 100 feet of teenagers mean I’m getting old or does it mean that most teenagers are annoying and I’m awesome? I have to admit that I know some cool teens but they have got to be in the top 1% of their peers. I’m sure I was super annoying to be around too so I’m not cutting myself any slack on this one. The difference between “teenage me” and this tool is that I have never been one of those people who are completely unaware of their surroundings. This kid on the other hand thinks the world stops about half an inch from his scrawny body. Hey kid, got your fucking nerd-fro out of my face and move out of my way so I can get my double cheeseburger and large root beer! And while you’re at it, learn the inner workings of the classic line system whereby one individual waits behind another in an orderly fashion, each with the same goal.
Have you ever just hated someone from the second you saw them? Well, that was this kid for me. He’s probably awesome if you get to know him. I’m just kidding, I’m sure he still sucks.
