You just made my list!

I can’t even explain why Michael Phelps bugs me so much but he really does. Even before he became the “cool” Michael Phelps with the Asian stripper girlfriend he bugged the shit out of me. He’s douchey, am I wrong? Somehow he even managed to make kicking serious ass in the Olympics super boring. And if I have to see one more photo with his pants so low I can see pubes I’m going to go on a killing spree.

Enough is enough! I am seriously so fucking sick of people wearing their stupid hats crooked on their empty heads. What message are they trying to send? “Hey man, I don’t play by the rules.” Fuuuuuck yooooou! They are all a bunch of douchebag lemmings who couldn’t produce an original thought if they tried. In general I’m sick and tired of everyone walking around like they are straight outta Compton. I’m at the end of my rope with all this ghetto culture bullshit. Every decade has their lame ass fashion fad. In the 90’s it was flannels tied around the waist and now it’s these god damn crooked fucking hats.

How did I get to be the coolest person in the world?!?

Let’s see if I can get through this without finally having a hate-fueled heart attack.

Guess who just spent half a million dollars on a vacation? You don’t know? You should because if you are an American tax payer you picked up the tab.

Less than one week after the federal government forked over $85 billion to bail out AIG, executives of AIG headed for a week-long retreat at a luxury resort and spa, the St. Regis Resort in Monarch Beach, California. Looks nice huh? I wish I could take a week off and relax with a massage and a leisurely dip in the pool but I’m too busy paying for AIG CEO Robert Willumstad’s vacation. I paid for Robert Willumstad’s vacation and all I got was his lousy dick up my ass!

How much is enough? I can not relate to this level of greed. While the rest of the country starves these guys have the nerve to ask for our food and then spit it back in our faces. Pure evil.

ABC News
Washington Post

Maybe, MAYBE, if you are a girl under the age of 23 it’s forgivable for you to drink from one of these colorful dildos but come on guys, how could walking around like a toddler drinking out of a supersoaker possibly attract the opposite sex?

Call me crazy but I like to drink my beer out of a bottle not through a straw from a football. Gentlemen, please take a moment to think about some famous manly men. Now, try to imagine these men – Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, John Wayne, Sean Connery, the Marlboro Man – enjoying a fluorescent drink from a plastic Seattle Space Needle. Sinatra famously wouldn’t even sit down while wearing a tuxedo in an effort to keep his pants looking good and all I’m asking from you is to put your little toy down and drink like an adult. And while you’re at it, stop sweating so much. Why are you always sweating?

Seriously, why? I relate to this kind of person so little that I don’t even know what to say. Come on, what is the point? These turds look like they are wearing masks – masks labeled “Douchebag Mask.”

The thing that fascinates me the most is the time and attention it must take to keep this ridiculous look maintained. You know the saying “you can’t polish a turd,” well this is sort of like “you can’t shave a piece of shit without it looking even shittier.” Why are people shaving SHIT?

After searching for photos of these creepy jerks for the last 20 minutes I just want to go cry in the shower until I fall alseep. I feel dirty and ashamed. If you could see my emotional state it would look like this…

I literally don’t know what to say about these people. I have been trying to write a post about them for weeks but give up each time because I am paralyzed by these photos. I am not kidding, my brain shuts off as utter confusion engulfs my soul. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I actually start to feel physically ill. I swear to God I am not lying, I can only look at these shit faces for a few seconds before I have to choke down that barfy feeling. If you are a woman drunk enough to go home with one of these douchebags do you wake up the next morning looking like you just dug out of prison?

WHAT IS HAPPENING, I RELATE TO NOTHING! There is no God.

If you can’t get enough of these pumpkin pies there are plenty to be found here hotchickswithdouchebags.com

Dear God, I know you are busy with touchdowns and handing out Grammys but if you could just set aside a couple minutes for me and sayeth that I may kick this fucking asshole in the empty space between his legs I would REALLY appreciate it. Just one good kick square in his fluffy vagina is all I’m asking for. Amen.

Mega-turd John Edward literally makes my skin crawl. The sound of his voice and the sight of his face makes me want to take a Silkwood shower until my skin is raw and bleeding.

Why do I hate this fucker so much? He makes money off people when they are at their weakest. People who may be misguided in their desire to speak to their dead uncle Charlie but innocent nonetheless. You might even think I would want to add these gullible rubes to my list but I actually don’t think they are rubes at all. For the most part, they are simply people who have a gaping hole left by a deceased loved one and John Edward can’t wait to start fucking that hole.

If you believe this grease ball can actually talk to the dead I must request that you slap yourself in the face. It is well documented that this jerk and all other jerks like him use simple techniques like planting people in the audience to listen for details or using microphones before the show to do the same. They also use the cheap sideshow trick of cold reading where they simply wait for the audience member to give up information voluntarily and build on those details.

If you STILL believe in this bullshit answer this for me, if these people can actually communicate with the dead why do they always start by saying “I’m getting an R or maybe a B, it could be an F, an F or an R, is there anyone with a connection to the letter R or B or G or F or N or Q or R, maybe it’s a P?” Some poor person will finally say “My aunt’s name starts with a P.” This is when the bullshit becomes painfully transparent because suddenly this “ghost” who seconds earlier could barely communicate the first letter of his or her name asks the “psychic” to tell the relative how much they love them and all about the cool stuff they have been doing in heaven. John Edward asks us to honestly believe a spirit ALWAYS starts a conversation with him like this “ooooooohhh… Jooooohn… R… John… R… R… I said R John… not P… R… R you fucking idiot… I’m saying R you asshole… it’s only one letter you dick… my name starts with R… I will tell you the rest later but for now let’s just start with R.”

Fuck you John Edward and all other charlatan douchebags who prey on people at such a fragile time. You disgust me. Oh yeah, and fuck that dog psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick too!

What’s the word I’m looking for… Oh yeah CUNT!

You know how I know there is no God? Every time I see a dirty hippy on their tall bike I pray to God and baby Jesus they will fall. I don’t want them to get hurt (maybe a little) but I do desperately want them to tip over. This is the only thing I ever pray for and when I’m praying for it I’m praying hard. Here’s God’s chance to prove his existence but nothing ever happens. I’ll tell you this, if God is on the side of the tall bikers I don’t want any part of his lame ass.

Does your city have these assholes? Here’s an idea, spend a little more time in the shower and a little less time forcing two bikes to fuck each other for all of eternity. You already have a hilarious, ironic mustache, guy, how much more attention do you need? Are you really that desperate to be noticed? Is it because nobody ever goes to your drum circle even though you put like a million flyers up all over the place? These urban clowns are like the smelly, poor version of these jerks. “Look at me all the way up here. Love me. Think I’m different. Me and all these other tall bike guys are different, right?” These guys are really stickin’ it to the man with their outrageously tall bikes, if the man is a normal human being who showers more than once a month.

In summation, fuck off and quit hoggin’ all the bikes!