Can we all just agree to knock off this new wave of preppy, collar popping, flip flopping bullshit? I already lived through it once in the 80’s so asking me to experience it again is like asking a 95 year old war veteran to head over to Europe and fight a little more WWII. The old guy and I just don’t need the hassle right now.
The most amazing thing about these turds is that I think they actually get laid! BY WOMEN! “Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable. Oh, look at that, too late I’m already wearing flip flops.” Listen Brad, nobody wants to stare at your beer-soaked toes while they are trying to eat. If you are in a situation that requires pants then you are in a situation that requires shoes. You look retarded Brad.
I will give a pass to Kanye West and Kanye West ONLY. Kanye just looks fucking cool dressing like the mayor of Cape Cod. You, on the other hand, look like a major tool.
I realize an adult taking the time to complain about Miley Cyrus is ridiculous but she started this war when she decided to steal the idea of angry list making from me! Until today, when I ACCIDENTALLY watched the new Miley Cyrus video “7 Things I Hate About You,” the little knowledge I had of this girl came from the times I ACCIDENTALLY watched TMZ (every day). I assumed her music was annoying but man, this video upset me and made me cry. It is THAT bad! Why is she unable to count to 4 in rhythm with the drummer and why is she saying “shaaa” to me? What “previous relationship” is she singing about anyway, isn’t she like 9 years old?
FART!
Here are the 7 things I hate about Miley Cyrus:
1. The fact that I know her name.
2. The fact that I know both of her names.
3. Her overuse of the peace sign. Peace Y’all!
4. The fact that she was created from the demon seed of Billy Ray Cyrus.
5. The way she and her dad tried to act like they were tricked into those “topless” photos. Shut up already.
6. Her douche bag band. Quit jumping around, have you heard the song you’re playing?
7. The fact that she makes more money than me.
I dare you to watch this video all the way through. I’ve only been able to about 5 or 10 times – PEACE!
Just when I thought I could not hate Chris Martin and his sorry-excuse-for-Radiohead band Coldplay more, they start dressing like The Police circa Synchronicity. Do these buttholes ever have a single original idea?
Where do you start with this tool? How about his crap band? Coldplay is about as interesting as a blank piece of paper. Chris Martin can write all the shit he wants all over his arms and hands (stolen from Eddie Vedder) but that won’t change the fact that his songs are blander than white noise.
Gwyneth Paltrow can suck it too. How do you like this one… they even stole their daughter’s name, Apple, from Coldplay’s agent who already had a child named Apple. This asshole can’t even name his own baby! Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have got to be the two least interesting people on the planet and together they become one super boring blob of shit that bores you to death.
Oh, by the way, don’t make the mistake of asking this jerk about his music or he’ll teach you a lesson. How dare this BBC interviewer ask him about his music? I mean come on dude, you have one of the most important human beings that has ever lived sitting in your studio and you choose to ask him ABOUT HIS NEW ALBUM?!? You IDIOT!!! You’re lucky Chris Martin didn’t telepathically make your head explode, he can do that you know.
Nothing shows lady America that you love her like wrapping your smelly pubes in her flag! Thanks for the freedom, now kiss my taint.
Am I wrong to assume that most people who actually walk around in American flag clothing are strongly against the desecration of old glory? Yet these same super-patriots don’t think twice about ripping apart the very flag they claim to hold so dear and jamming their fat, sweaty body parts into it. I think the flag would rather die a quick death from burning than spend the next 15 years pressed against your wiener.
I fully understand what the flag stands for and why people love and respect it. My grandfather fought in WWII and I can remember how upset it would make him to see the flag touch the ground, even if it was a small child letting his tiny flag touch the ground while scrambling for candy at a 4th of July parade. Not angry upset but more like the emotion you would feel if you saw someone accidentally knock your grandmother over and keep walking. It was genuinely heartbreaking to him.
The flag meant something VERY real to him and he was willing to die for it. I wonder how many people would be willing to die for their American flag flip flops? Isn’t it the same thing? What makes one object covered in stars and stripes different from the next? If some dirty hippie can’t burn the flag why can you literally get shit and piss on it while you walk around the state fair? Are you starting to see how smart I am yet? Did you notice my last 5 sentences ended with question marks? Does that make me a bad writer? Probably.
You know what my least favorite song is? The one coming from your stupid car.
I especially love to hear the trunk of your pimped-out Honda Civic rattle and buzz as you cruise your turf (from Home Depot to the Banana Republic) wit da boyz. You’re probably saying “hey, I bet you crank your car stereo sometimes” and the answer is yes BUT having perfect musical taste as I do, it’s a treat for those around me. It’s like a free concert of awesome music! As I drive by people give me thumbs up and yell “THAAAAANK YOOOOOU!”
Your music, on the other hand, is shit. Also, that racing fin on the back of your Ford Fiesta ain’t doing nothing but making you look douchey.
You and your stupid, loud car stereo just made my list!
I hate that I even know who John Mayer is and I especially hate that I know at any given moment which Hollywood dipshit he’s dating. I just got the shivers.
Let’s start with Jennifer Aniston. OK first of all Rachel, you and Ross were ON A BREAK! You can’t hold the fact that he screwed that copy girl over his head forever. Hello?!? Ross is your soul mate! Listen Rachel, I understand your relationship has been a real roller coaster and it seems like you’re always stuck in second gear but if you want a future with Ross, I mean REALLY want it, then you are going to have to forgive him. Whose shoulder did you cry on after leaving Barry on your wedding day? What about when you were banging Paolo, did Ross hold it against you? How about when you were with Joey? Joey for Christ’s sake! Who’s name did Ross say at the altar during his wedding to Emily? He said Rachel. Rachel, it was always you.
OK Mayer, it’s your turn. First let me say you are a douche bag. I don’t actually know much about this guy and I’m trying to keep it that way HOWEVER it’s almost impossible not to not absorb useless information if you own a TV and have ever been on the internet. I don’t know if I have ever heard more than 2 John Mayer songs but that’s plenty thank you very much. I heard him butcher “Sweet Home Chicago” when Conan O’Brien did his show from Chicago. Side Note: Way to go Conan, you’re in Chicago, the Home of the Blues and fucking John Mayer is your choice to perform Sweet Home Chicago? Nice one idiot. Anyway, the second John Mayer song I heard was actually this morning on the radio. I thought it was some unearthed Stevie Ray Vaughn reject track but it turns out it was John Mayer doing his best SRV copy. He must have learned the blues while roaming the mean streets of the Berklee College of Music wondering where he’s going to score his next Jamba Juice fix.
I don’t even remember what I’m talking about anymore. Oh yeah, who gives a shit about John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston.
I really have a stick up my ass for super tool and host of The Food Network show ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ Guy Fieri. If I ever see him walking towards me on the street I’m gonna… well I don’t know if I could even tell if he was walking towards me because the retard wears his sunglasses on the back of his head. Well played Fieri, you are like a cobra!
What do I hate most about this turd, it’s so hard to choose. Is it his wussy, 1996, “Swingers,” rockabilly wardrobe? Maybe it’s his permanent, fake smile and aggressively annoying laugh? The TGI Friday’s commercials? It could be that he ruins what could be one of the only watchable shows on The Food Network. I love to eat at diners and drive-ins but I can’t make it through an episode thanks to this ass.
While I’m at it, let’s throw most of The Food Network on my god damn list. They have a bad habit of hiring the most annoying people on the planet and then giving them about 20 shows each. You can’t turn that channel on without Bobby Flay trying to fight you or Paula Deen trying to eat you.
Guy Fieri and The Food Network, I want a written apology!
I’ve been redoing a lot of landscaping in my yard lately and usually mix cow manure into the soil. I don’t even use gloves sometimes, I love it that much. I bought some shrubs the other day from a nursery that did not sell manure because of “mad cow disease” (huh?) but they recommended I try cotton burr by Back to Nature. OK, fine. When I pulled my car around to the pick up area I was floored by the unbelievable bad breath seeping from the guy’s mouth who loaded the compost into my car. I was 5 feet from the guy and it was windy but I could still smell his ass mouth.
Moving on, I got into my car and soon realized the intense smell was actually coming from that piece of shit (ironic because I actually wanted to buy shit) cotton burr and not from the decent young man I failed to tip. Believe me when I tell you, without exaggeration, that this was easily one of the foulest smells I have ever experienced.
Let me see if I can describe it for you… imagine going to a Phish concert and capturing the bad breath of every filthy hippie in some sort of bad breath vacuum. Now get in your car and drive to the nearest Korn concert and suck up a little more bad breath. Now imagine that ungodly mixture of air is your only source of oxygen for a 15 minute car ride. Keep in mind the bag was closed, all of my windows were open and I was driving with my head out the window and I still had to literally fight back barf. I was longing for the smell of cow shit the entire way home.
Nothing shows lady America that you love her like wrapping your smelly pubes in her flag! Thanks for the freedom, now kiss my taint.
