You just made my list!

Hey kids, gather around, I want to tell you something. Santa Claus is going to die this summer. That’s right, Santa, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer, the people who take care of the reindeer, Santa’s accountant, his IT guy, their personal chef and the entire staff are all going to fucking drown. Santa’s workshop and home will rip apart and fall into the frigid waters. Tiny, bloated elf corpses will litter the water along with Timmy’s xbox, little Sarah’s Dora the Explorer Springtime Princess doll, Tommy’s Jeff Gordon NASCAR action figure and Susie’s “Baby Looks Sick.”

That’s right, for the first time in, I don’t know, EVER the North Pole might be ice-free this summer. Congratulations everyone, we did it!

Listen up jerks, scientists do not have a political agenda, at least the ones not hired by George Bush. They are obsessed with facts and verifiable data, it’s what these nerds live for and even though you kicked their sissy asses in high school these dorks are still trying to save your fat life you fatty.

The evidence is overwhelming that global warming is very real and very manmade so wipe the Cheeto dust off your face and wise up you big dummy. Ignoring science is like pouring boiling water on your arm and then proclaiming “the jury is out” on exactly why your Tasmanian Devil tattoo is starting to blister and melt.

Those of you who don’t think global warming is real have a permanent home on my list!

Tags: environment, global warming, melting polar ice caps, north pole

I’m always a little afraid to see a movie the general public describes as “SOOOOOOO good” especially when the film is one of those ‘indie films’ for the masses. Inevitably I hate it and everyone thinks I’m a dick for my correct and superior opinion. With that said, I went into Juno with a good attitude. I love Michael Cera and Jason Bateman, how bad could it be? Within 10 minutes I was working on plans for a time machine that would take me back 11 minutes.

I don’t care if Diablo Cody was a stripper or a Hooters girl or whatever the story is, she should stick to the pole because her movie is an insult to all the strippers out there who actually HAVE written great, undiscovered screenplays. In fact, she’s the weak link in this mess. The basic storyline isn’t bad and she had a great cast to work with but Diablo (I can’t believe I actually have to type that) writes dialogue like a 1st year film student.

So listen up “home skillet,” you did not like this movie. The kids were not “so real” and they didn’t “sound just like real kids.” Diablo Cody’s life story is not interesting and she did not deserve an Oscar. You will immediately place your Juno DVD on ebay or craigslist for the price of $1. I am not a dick.

Diablo Cody and fans of Juno, you just made my list!

Tags: diablo cody, ellen page, jason bateman, juno, michael cera

Am I jealous that I didn’t invent Crocs? Yes. Is that why I hate them so much? No.

If I see you wearing your Crocs it is best to guard your ass from my shoe wearing foot that is about to kick it. Why why why would anyone, including children, willingly choose to wear these in public? Are we really so bored that in order to feel alive again we need to experience the stinging humiliation of dressing like clowns in public? I hate us. Actually I hate you.

Yes, Crocs are insanely ugly and ridiculous and should be shunned for those reasons alone but the thing I really hate about them, or any fad, is that it once again proves that people are predictable followers. Just think about those idiots who will literally get in fist fights over Tickle Me Elmo or Furbies or fill in the blank. It’s this desire to blend in with the crowd and disappear that makes me want to force feed you your Crocs.

Guess what, you look like an ass in your Crocs. You don’t look cute and you don’t look “funky” and don’t even try to tell me how comfortable they are. Walking around with bags of dog shit on your feet might be the most comfortable thing ever but I still wouldn’t do it. I’m sorry if it sounds like I think I am superior to “Crocs people” but it’s only because I am.

Hey Crocs. You just made my list!

Tags: crocs, sandals, shoes, stupid, ugly

UPDATE: Here’s video of the “shoe” being thrown on stage that turned Josh Homme into a ass-raping maniac. It’s not even a fucking SHOE! At best it’s a sock! AND IT DIDN’T EVEN TOUCH HIM! So all you defenders of this asshole who keep saying “How would you like it if someone hit you with a shoe” can fuck off. What a douchebag baby.

Watch at the 1:30 mark…

Now, on the the original rant…

This one kind of hurts because I used to like Queens of the Stone Age but after watching frontman and Craig Kilborn look-a-like Josh Homme go off on a 14 year old kid in the clip below, I saw what a dick face the guy is. Apparently this overzealous kid threw something on stage, I’m guessing it was something harmless, and within seconds is taken for a ride through Josh Homme’s darkest fantasies of fighting and butt sex. Tough guy Josh goes on and on from his 20-foot perch about how he’s going to kick this 14 year old’s ass after invading it with his wiener. Takes a pretty tough guy to start a fight with a kid who barely has pubes, especially when you are separated by 20 feet of security and 10,000 fans who have your back.

Oh, but the fun doesn’t end there. There are endless clips of this turd berating various audience members and in every clip he can’t stop himself from discussing their soon to be fucked butts or their dicks or how they are “faggots.” How does a guy fixated on being inside his enemies’ buttholes get the balls to call everyone around him gay? And why even go there? Why use homosexuality as an insult? What an asshole.

Guard your butt!

More fun with Josh…

Josh Homme is trying to quit cock smoking.

It’s hard to quit when everyone is smoking cock around you!

Those guys are going to blow each other (jealous Josh).

Let’s take a trip back to 3rd grade.

Here’s how it’s done Josh…

Tags: douchebags, Jerks, Josh Homme, music, Queens of the Stone Age, yelling at audience

What a monumental task it has become trying to figure out who or what to put on my list for my very first post on this soon to be famous blog. I have such a long list of people and things that annoy me how could I possibly choose. This is a real Sophie’s Choice I’ve got on my hands.

I decided to choose the one thing in life that makes me the craziest. The one thing that instantly sends an unexplainable rush of adrenaline through my body and that one thing is dropping my keys! Oh sweet lord how I hate to drop my keys. I realize this simple event is ridiculous to 1) care about and 2) write about, but I just want to go on a killing spree when I drop my keys.

And while I’m on the subject of my jerk keys, why do I have so many? My house alone requires 4 keys. I feel like a janitor walking around with this mess.

Dropping my keys… you just made my list!

Tags: keys, the worst thing ever