You just made my list!

Please explain to me how it is possible for Criss Angel to have fans. PLEASE, I need to know. I can not sleep soundly knowing there are people who like this magical turd. I find it difficult to even have the will to live in a world that includes one Criss Angel fan. What is WRONG with you people?!? Even Carrot top is like "look at this fucking tool." I just had to take a shower because I accidentally looked at that photo for too long. Let's not even bother discussing this jerks Trent-Reznor-meets-Creed-meets-a-homeless-guy's-butthole fashion sense. Can we all agree he looks like an asshole and move on to the important stuff? Good, thanks. My main problem with Criss Angel is really more of a criticism of his fans and their willingness to be stupid. Magic only works if you are unable to figure out how a trick is done. However, to believe in the "magic" of Criss Angel you need to convince yourself the ability to edit video has not yet been invented. I made the mistake of eating too much leftover pizza the other day and was rendered motionless on the couch unable to change the channel. The end result was me watching Criss Angel's Spyglass Hotel building implosion "escape." Are you fucking kidding me? Here's the gist of the escape. Criss Angel is handcuffed by a fake cop to the balcony of a hotel that is about to be blown up. Angel has to escape the handcuffs and get to the roof where a helicopter awaits. To complicate matters all of the doors between the balcony and the roof have been padlocked by the pretend cop. Cameras have been placed throughout the hotel to show us his progress. He gets to the last door to the roof and blah blah blah he can't get the lock open. As the building implodes the cameras just so happen to cut to static. Oh my god, no way, did I just witness Criss Angel's death? Will the implosion company ever find work again after killing Criss Angel? Wait a minute, what's this... thank God, Criss emerges on cue out of the rubble with all the acting skills of a 6th grader. How did he do it? Like everything else he does, it was a combination of pre-taped video and extreme doucheness. I'm not going to go into a long explanation but for some reason Fox news did (see below). Here's the entire mess: Fox News' hard-hitting explanation of the escape:

FINALLY, we have a texting world champion and his name is Nathan Schwartz. Did you go to a kick ass texting world championship party like me? I went to my friend Joey's house and it was fucking packed ass to elbow. IT-WAS-OFF-THE-HOOK! Oh, and what was your favorite texting world championship commercial this year? FUCK OFF! What is happening to the world I live in? I relate to my fellow humans less and less every day. This is you to me: "Hey jerk, this was just a corporate publicity event for blah blah blah." Me to you: "Inhale my FART!" I know that this was just a way for some company to create a viral video (and here I am like an asshole helping them) but it does not make me hate everyone involved any less. Maybe I'm just jealous that it takes me about 45 minutes to type "sounds good, see you there" on my cell phone. I should try "sdz gd c u thr" next time. Actual footage of the world ending I need a nap.

Webster's defines cliché as "a trite phrase or expression; also : the idea expressed by it" I am officially calling for an end to any speech, film or book that starts with a dictionary definition. If I am ever sitting in the audience for your PowerPoint presentation on "Energizing Your Sales Team in '09" and I see that your first slide starts with the Webster's definition of "synergy" be warned that I am going to walk to the podium and pee on you. I am going to piss warm pee all over your Dockers. I'm assuming Webster's would define that as "awesome!"

I know I have already given Guy Fieri a permanent home on my list but last night he said something that shook my very soul. It's painfully obvious from this douche wad's wardrobe that he has a very hard time letting go of 1996 but until last night's episode of "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" I had no idea just how sick this guy was. I am going to give you an exact quote from Guy Fieri but I want you to know that if you choose to read on, your life will never be the same. What you will read is so disturbing you will look back at your life in 2 parts, before the Guy Fieri quote and after. Please call your family and tell them you love them before you read the next line. "This onion is money." Was it? Was it "so money it didn't even know how money it was" Guy? Fuck off.

I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs' crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn't come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard. I've already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning's gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron "Satan" Snyder had this to say, "Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart." Who cares? Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said "I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did." Yes, they were once so exciting! Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, "But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend." Praise Jesus! Maddox is pretty angry too.

What's more fun than getting your hair cut? Watching other people getting their hair cut by a bunch of ridiculous idiots with ironic hair! Is it possible there is a single person watching this show? No, right? PLEASE SAY NO! And this is THE SECOND SEASON! Maybe TV has changed so much in the last few years that a show only needs 4 or 5 people watching each week to stay on the air. Are we being secretly hypnotized by the government while watching this crap? Is that how George Bush got elected, TWICE? You know, there must be a correlation between the fact that George Bush served two terms and that a show like this has found viewers brain dead enough to watch it. I guess we are just that dumb. Fat, bored and dumb. Put it on TV and we will watch. Soon they will just broadcast a shiny object for all of the drooling masses to stare at. I hate everyone who isn't me.

I have never wanted to see a crane collapse as much as when I stare into the soulless faces of these jerks. How bored do you have to be to pay something like $20,000 to eat while hanging from a fucking crane? You will not find a human being on this planet who is more bored than me and yet I somehow have avoided calling "Dinner in the Sky" to come hoist my lazy ass 150 feet in the air for a little fine dining while strapped to a chair like a turd. YAY, now you have a lame story to tell all your lame friends down at the country club. If I didn't know this was real I would assume it was an internet gag. The best part? Here's the first item on their FAQ page... "Toilet Facilities - It’s like in a normal restaurant: you ask where they are to the waiter and… you go down. It’s just a bit less discreet because the whole table goes down but it takes less than a minute." It's not going to take less than a minute if it's me who's using the toilet facilities. "Hey everyone, I know you all paid like a million dollars to eat up in the sky so all the poor people could watch but I need to take this bitch down for a sec. I REALLY have to shit you guys. Sorry but I am touching cloth over here. Very expensive cloth." Hey rich jerks, YOU WON ALREADY! You don't need to prove it by eating from a crane for all to see.

Fuck Shia LaBeouf and all young Hollywood dick heads who try so hard to be troubled, disheveled drunks. No amount of scruffy beard-growing or chain-smoking will ever erase this. Let's ignore the fact that he sucks as an actor for a moment and concentrate on the fact that he sucks as a human. Wanna get drunk Shia? Great, take a cab or a limo next time, you dick. Typical selfish, Hollywood asshole who never hears the word "no" and thinks he is King Awesome. Guess what? I'm King fucking Awesome! You suck.