In general, I find football to be boring. I don’t mind the getting together with friends and eating/drinking aspect of it, but there is just too much downtime in the game for me to get excited by it. What I have zero patience for is sports shows that prattle on and on about every boring detail like a kitchen full of old hens gossiping about who wasn’t at church on Sunday. However, nothing makes me more embarrassed for humanity than a bunch of guys in suits acting out football plays and discussing strategy on a miniature field. It’s sad and reminds me of this.
Oh, but the madness does not stop there. Now they have added virtual players that interact with the suit guys, creating what looks like a video game so slow your parents might actually be able to keep up with it. Why do we need this? Plus, I just hate these guys with their huge gorilla hands, their giant sports rings and their wide-legged stance. I can feel the noogies through the TV.
Couldn’t find a football example but this should give you just as many nightmares.
When you were a child and your parents assured you there was no such thing as the boogeyman… they were wrong. There is a boogeyman and his name is Jaime Gomez or “Taboo Nawasha” or whatever the fuck.
What is up with this turd? Actually, what is up with the whole “band?” What am I missing with this group of misfit toys? Everyone seems to like, or at least tolerate, the Black Eyed Peas but I can’t find a single reason for this phenomenon. Especially with this creepy Medieval Times reject running around like a robot ninja all over the stage.
“Taboo” reminds me of an even more annoying version of the already incredibly annoying Anthony Kiedis. Wait, is it possible they are the same person? They both have that long, flowing hair by Herbal Essence. They both have that Cro-Mag face. They both love to wear gloves at inappropriate times. And the biggest giveaway is their mutual love of incessant karate chopping.
I think this is a conspiracy theory I can get behind.
Can all you douchebag chefs stop “reinventing” food that is already perfect?
There simply is no way to make the classic, basic cheeseburger better so stopping piling random shit all over it and telling me it’s better. This trend of trying to make greasy fast food into an expensive gourmet meal is lame. Not only do gourmet burgers not taste as good, they are always so tall you have to unhinge your jaw like a fucking python to take a bite. And stop making desserts with Cap’n Crunch crumbs. Ha ha ha (slow clap) we get it, you’re whimsical.
Stop thinking you are so talented that you can take something as amazing as a pancake or a cheeseburger and make it more awesome’er. You can’t. You can’t and your restaurant has a dumb name and is filled with douche wads
My opinions are flawless, just like cheap burgers.
I’m not talking about drummers. No, I am referring to the guy on stage directly to the drummer’s right. The guy with the perm from 1992 who’s wearing the vest and smacking the bongos with a level of excitement normally reserved for losing one’s virginity. Ironically this is not a joy most percussionists will ever know.
While drummers play an important and kick ass role in a band, it seems the sole purpose of a percussionist is to make that dreamy, twinkly sound during ballads by running a drum stick across the miniature chimes that they seem to have some legal obligation to own. Other than that what do they do? Hit cymbals at the exact same time as the drummer? You know what it sounds like when 3 cymbals are all hit at the same time? It sounds exactly like 2 cymbals hit at the same time.
These useless turds always have the same shit-eating grin on their face too because, unlike the core members of the band who had to work hard to get to the point where they can tour and afford to waste their money on a percussionist, they simply get plucked from their job at Guitar Center and placed on stage in front of the band’s fans. The thing is that these dicks always act like the cheering crowds are actually there to see them play their little setup of nonessential drums. The truth is they are there to see Sting suck.
This is going to be short for exactly two reasons.
1. I’m still sick.
2. It’s pretty obvious why storm chasers are annoying dorks.
3. I have not showered since Saturday morning.
4. Actually, I have been wearing the same clothes since Saturday morning. Yeah that’s right, I’ve been sleeping in my clothes. I’m just that sick. In fact, I have not been nude since Saturday morning. That seems like a long time but I wonder how long Eskimos go without being nude. Months? Years?
5. I have to admit, there is something really pleasurable about not shaving, showering or changing your clothes for several days in a row. I’m like an amateur homeless person.
6. Hey did you hear there was just a charity event where the winning bidders got to box various Kardashians? I guess Rob Kardashian got knocked out with one punch and Kim got a black eye. That sounds fun.
7. Did you see Creed on The Tonight Show last night? Holy shit.
8. Thanks to Paul in Saint Paul, I learned today that Cheaters is FAKE! While it’s true I hate that show, I am still mad about it. I’m mad at myself for thinking it was real. If I ever find out that any tiny part of People’s Court is fake I will go on a killing spree.
Question: Have you ever seen a guy dressed as a pimp for Halloween who was NOT a huge douchebag? Answer: No.
I think a better name for this costume would be “Guy who will fail to give you an orgasm but will jizz in your hair before yacking all over your bed and probably also a little in your hair so now you have barf and jizz in your hair.” That might be a little long for the packaging but you have to admit, it’s catchy!
I would be willing to bet my life savings (currently in negative status) that both Jon Gosselin and Guy Fieri have dressed as pimps at some point in their douchey lives. Chew on THAT before you decide to dress as a pimp this year!
Did you know people still wear these? I thought they had all been retired to thrift stores, only to be resurrected for the occasional “bad sweater party,” but the other day while filling my car with gas I saw one of these walking by on an actual human. I poured 3 gallons of gas all over my shoes before I snapped back to reality. Did I really just see that? It’s burned into my memory like that famous photo of Big Foot casually walking through the woods, only this Sasquatch looked like he had been barfed on by a unicorn.
Speaking of barfing up a Cosby Sweater, check out #1.
Anyhoo… How is it possible that a living, breathing human with eyes could see one of these monstrosities and think, “Oh yeah. I need a sweater that looks like it’s made form the tears of 1000 clowns.” The bigger mystery is who invented this style of sweater? Wait, and even bigger question is why are they still being produced?
I bet if you put that douchebag Guy Fieri in a giant blender the end result would look remarkably like a Cosby Sweater.
This is one of those subjects that I can’t believe even needs to be debated, and yet here we are. Actually, I don’t think there is a single “normal” person who would argue on the side of this rapist but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for a long list of Hollywood power players.
If you don’t know the story of Roman Polanski, here is a short version. In 1978, at age 43, Polanski takes a 13-year-old girl to Jack Nicholson’s house to photograph her nude. But wait, that’s the most innocent part of this fucked-up story. Creepy kiddie porn quickly became creepier when Polanski got the girl drunk, drugged her and raped her. Yeah, this motherfucker raped a 13-year-old girl IN HER ASS after drugging her. What an artist! This piece of shit fled to France where he has lived in exile ever since. That is until he made the mistake of traveling to Switzerland this year where he was finally arrested.
Yay, the child rapist has been arrested, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief and be happy justice will finally be served after all these years. That’s what a normal person thinks, but that’s not how Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Tilda Swinton, Jonathan Demme, John Landis and over 100 other Hollywood assholes think. They have all signed a petition demanding Polanski’s release based on his merits as a filmmaker. In their warped, self absorbed minds raping a child is no biggie as long as you are an award winning film director. How is this even up for debate?
There are people on that list, like Scorsese and Anderson, whom I USED to really admire, but I am going to have to seriously reconsider that admiration. Would these same people sign a petition for my release if I drugged and raped a 13 year old? I mean, I made a music video that was broadcast on Mtv in the 80s as part of Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest, shouldn’t that count for something?
I wonder how these assholes would feel if if that tiny garden gnome Polanski raped their daughters?
