You just made my list!

Yeah, that creepy poster of a baby dressed as corn is really going to brighten up your beer-soaked, double-wide trailer. IT'S SOOOOO CUTE! I think I hate Anne Geddes because I'm jealous of her. I mean could there be anything easier than plopping some stupid babies into a giant salad and snapping a few photos? Put a baby in a bunny suit and get ready to start counting your money. BITCH! The only people worse than Anne Geddes are the tasteless dolts who eat this shit up. I honestly can't comprehend looking at one of these posters and thinking "Oh yeah, I love that. I love it when babies dress in cactus outfits. I NEED that!" I like children, but this shit makes me want to do a Geddes-style poster of a baby dressed as a golf ball that's about to get whacked by a giant golf club. And can we all just PLEASE agree to stop taking black and white photos of tiny babies being held by hairy shirtless men? OK, we get it, life is precious and fragile and babies look small in big hands and look how strong those hands look and we have to protect babies and the circle of life and kumbaya and peace on Earth and that scene in Ghost where Patrick Swayze fucks Demi Moore on a pottery wheel and Sarah Palin, and Jesus and Blue Collar Comedy and Walmart... Lord, take me now!

There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, Celtic Thunder takes a big ol' Irish shit all over my TV! Well, at least I now know why Irish Dancing is popular... people in Ireland are RETARDED! You heard me Ireland, get your shit together! I was once like you. Well, I was like a more awesome version of you. Anyway, I once roamed the planet without any knowledge that on that very same planet a group of drunk (I'm assuming) lip-syncing Irish assholes were prancing around on stage like some sort of evil tampon commercial directed by Walt Disney. And the audience is eating this shit up like it's free cabbage. Do Irish people eat cabbage? I'm assuming they do. This has got to be one of the most horrifying things ever created by man. These turds make Hitler look like Mr. Rogers and Haiti seem like a perfectly good spring break destination. I'm serious, this is the worst thing I have ever seen. You know, I'm half Irish but after discovering Celtic Thunder I'm thinking about cutting myself in half and letting some dogs eat the Irish side. Never has an unplugged guitar rocked so hard. Caution: This will make you grow a vagina. If you already have a vagina, get ready for another, more vagina-y, one!

We've all been there. You're staying at a hotel with one of those wall-mounted mirrors and you decided to extend it from the wall and take a look at yourself. You think, "Not too shabby, I'd fuck me. I would give myself a handjob at the very least." This is where the story should end, but we all have that sick fascination with the other side of the mirror. The evil side. The dark side. You know the outcome of this little experiment of yours and yet you still take your dumb hand and flip the mirror over to reveal the most disgusting thing you have ever seen... your own face! Suddenly a combination of Mackenzie Phillips and Edward James Olmos is staring back at you and every zit you have ever had in your entire life is visible again. Hey look, there's that zit that ruined prom! Every pore looks like a cat's butthole and your eyes look like rivers of blood held in place by spaghetti. The nightmare is far from over though. A sane person would push the mirror away, allowing it to smash against the wall, but you are drawn to this horror show like a fly to shit. Oh no my friend, you lean in for a closer look. Sicko.

Not only is MY birthday ruined, I'm sure Corey Feldman is having a pretty shitty day too. This is one of your all time boners, God! True story... I was in a movie with Corey Haim and spent the better part of a day with him. It was the most beautiful day of my life. What is it going to take for God to kill Guy Fieri and leave the good ones alone?!? God is a douchebag. If you have never seen Corey Haim's self-produced video "Me, Myself and I" I suggest you find a copy and spend the day in bed watching it. Unfortunately, it looks like that is how I will be spending my birthday. Throw it to Lucas, in heaven.

Today is my birthday, so you are lucky I am even taking the time to write about this creepy bullshit. Do you know what a "dakimakura" is? If you answered yes to this question and then looked across the room to see your pillow girlfriend sitting on the couch watching TV, I kindly ask you to drive to Home Depot, buy a chain saw and mutilate your entire crotch area. God damn it, I don't want to live in a world where men marry pillows. Global warming can't come fast enough. Sure, I dated a few tube socks in high school, but I never took them to prom or bought them flowers. I may have made out with my pillow a few times in junior high while watching scrambled porn on channel 44, but that was just young love. It never went further then heavy petting and casual dating. To be honest, I had a fear of commitment back then. How could I be sure this was THE pillow I was meant to be with for the rest of my life? I was young and there were lots of linens out there to explore. OK if you want the truth, I had my heart broken by a pillow when I was 16 and I don't really feel like talking about it! My birthday is officially ruined.

OK, here's the situation, my parents went away on a week's vacation and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche. Sorry, those are the lyrics to Parents Just Don't Understand. OK, here's the REAL situation... I went out to dinner tonight, had a great time, drank some wine and now I don't feel like writing about the topic I was planning for today. I would much rather eat beef jerky and watch Lost on the DVR, even though it will cause rage-induced vomiting from the lack of ANYTHING FUCKING HAPPENING! Why do I continue to watch this fucking show??? So, I will leave you with this. This is actual footage of the world ending. A friend (soon to be ex-friend) sent me this today and I felt like ruining your day too. I dare you to watch this all the way through until the end when things really get emotional. Did you ever wonder why Kurt Cobain killed himself?

Hey, here's a great idea, let's float around the middle of the ocean trapped in a giant mall with a bunch of shitty assholes. If we really get lucky, we can all catch the same mystery illness from our little white trash ecosystem. Don't worry too much about catching something though, it rarely happens! Who wants to do this? What's fun about floating around on a giant Holiday Inn and stopping for only an hour in various ports where the locals descend on you like the pubic lice you will no doubt catch from your bed sheets? Then, every night you are forced to eat dinner with strangers who just can't stop talking about how much they enjoy reruns of "Tool Time." They will be referring to "Home Improvement" but will call it Tool Time even though they literally watch it every day. You know when people disappear form cruise ships? I promise you they are jumping to their deaths after the third day of listening to yokels babble on and on about how "funky" that Paula Deen is. There is no amount of money that could convince me to waste my vacation on a cruise.* *I know, I know... there are cool, smaller cruises that go to places like Alaska. I'm not talking about those. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore.

The people of Gary welcome you. They welcome you with their Flaming Hot Cheeto-filled shit! I fucking HATE Indiana. If you are from Indiana, I am sorry... I am sorry you are from Indiana! Indiana's official state motto is "The Crossroads of America." In other words, "Nothing to see here, just keep on driving to your more awesome destination." I am willing to declare that there is nothing worthwhile in the entire state. Not a single thing! I have never driven through Indiana without contemplating suicide the entire painful ride. The only thing that stops me from driving head-on into an oncoming 18-wheeler is the fear that my corpse would be fed to raccoons by the local authorities. I guess if you like factories that look like they are from the dreams of a German child locked in an iron lung circa 1929, or endless cornfields broken up by shitty towns with the same 10 fast food chains, then Indiana is your kind of place. I know what you're thinking, other states fit that description, but the difference is they ALSO have at least one reason to visit. Indiana is just unpleasant from border to border. It achieves a level of suckdom that no other state I have visited comes close to. Don't try to tell me Indianapolis or the dunes are enough to save it. Indianapolis sucks gorilla scrotum and the dunes are surrounded by the rest of Indiana, so they lose too. I hate Indiana.