OK, I tried to find a photo or youtube clip illustrating exactly what I’m talking about but after 30 minutes I got side-tracked and started looking at hot tattooed rockabilly chicks on flickr. The internet is an evil time suck! You can relate because at this exact moment YOU are wasting YOUR time!
Anyhoo, I think I can describe this dumb celebrity move without video evidence. Also, I should mention that I already know nobody is going to give a shit about this subject. Tough titty. Do people still say tough titty? Can you tell I’m avoiding the subject at hand? (No pun intended! Seriously, I didn’t notice this hilarious pun until I was proof-reading.)
Fine, fine, here we go…
(Jerry Seinfeld voice) What’s the deal with celebrities always blessing me with their hands? Their beautiful, superior hands. There is something so incredibly annoying when a celeb addresses a crowd, perhaps at an award show, and does that stupid, hippie, hand blessing/bow combo. It feels so condescending and disingenuous. If you could see their thought bubble it would read something like, “me me me me me me me me me me me me.”
I give up, this post is dumb. Forgive me. I’m hand blessing you all right now. Well, actually it’s more of a finger blessing.
Well, aren’t you just king of the fucking jungle? That’s right alligator, Brad owns your bitch ass just like he rules at medium level Guitar Hero and beer pong. That’s right, shut your pussy mouth, gator, Carol is in control now, just like she’s in charge of the motherfucking office lottery tickets every week. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?
What kind of a pathetic turd do you have to be to take pleasure in fucking around with some poor animal in a misguided attempt to look tough? Are people going to see the photo on your fridge and think it was taken in the wild and you are not the douchebag they secretly always thought you were? I don’t care if it’s an ant or an alligator, if you enjoy tormenting another living creature you are a grade-A piece of shit.
My honest desire is for every jackass who poses for one of these photos to have their heads torn off by these awesome, prehistoric killing machines. I want to see them eaten whole and I want to be there when the gator poops out little scraps of J. Crew and, ironically, Crocs. I want their families to watch as a fed up alligator grabs Daddy by his fat face and drags him underwater leaving only his soiled denim shorts and NASCAR hat behind. Ahhhhh, let me take a moment to daydream about that a little longer…
These clips are like porn to me. Go get ’em gators!
I made the mistake of stopping on Mtv this afternoon while looking for something on TV to nap to. I love to nap to the vapid drone of the television. I just do. Did you know your brain is less active while watching TV than it is when you are sleeping? Well, my brain just about shut off to the point of forgetting to make my heart beat and my lungs breathe after I made the mistake of watching an hour of the new season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
In college (and maybe a little out of college) I used to casually watch The Real World. I didn’t technically enjoy it, but I watched enough to be able to tell you that Jay on the London cast loved mac and cheese and that Colin from the Hawaii cast was totally NOT into Amaya but made the mistake of making out with her, probably because he wanted to fondle her huge boobs, and she totally fell in love with him and wanted to snuggle and baby talk and make him kiss stuffed animals every night in his bunk bed but Colin was like rolling his eyes and feeling totally trapped but didn’t know how to get out of it. However I had to stop watching the Real World when A) I realized I was an adult and B) Mtv starting exclusively casting idiots with explosive rage disorder.*
The only thing worse than the obnoxious alcoholics that kick, scream and casually fuck their way around the overly-colorful Ikea catalog that is the Real World house is the same people coming back even more obnoxious and alcoholic-y year after pathetic year to compete** in the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. These people really have got to be the biggest collection of douchebags mankind has ever known.
In the same way that you are a shitty parent if you let your kids watch Bratz, you are an equally bad parent if you let your kids watch ANYTHING on Mtv. Unless you want your child to grow up thinking life is simply a series of ever-growing drunken, semi-nude tantrums, I suggest you keep their tiny brains far away from Mtv.
*I just made that up but I’m sure it’s real.
**Compete = fighting and fucking each other
Remind me again why I just spent 5 minutes segmenting your sour ass.
You suck, grapefruit, and I hate your sucky juice. Have you ever taken a big swig of grapefruit juice thinking it was orange juice? It’s like a punch in your flavor balls! It’s like leaning in to kiss (insert the person you are most attracted to here) and as your lips meet and your tongues mingle, this person suddenly turns into your mom! You pull away and think, “what the fucking fuck was just in my mouth?” In fact, I would rather make out with my mom than drink a glass of grapefruit juice.*
It’s not just the juice that pisses me off. I would conservatively estimate that segmenting a grapefruit half takes on average 45 minutes. And for what, one minute of sour disappointment? Fuck off grapefruit. Stop thinking you are as awesome as your cousin the almighty orange. You are just embarrassing yourself. You sicken me.
Since I tricked all your sucka asses yesterday I’m giving you a double post (sort of) today!
OK, let’s get into it. I am sick of the term “bling,” I’m sick of actual bling, and I’m sick of people who say and/or own bling. I’m extra sick of the full use of the saying “bling bling.” As soon as your mom knows a slang term it’s over. I heard a news anchor say “dissed” a few months ago and I nearly set my TV and my own ears on fire. I’m glad the world economy is collapsing because maybe it will put an end to this ridiculous diva attitude everyone walks around with. Actually, now that I think about it most of the idiots obsessed with blingy crap are already poor. Fuck, bling is here to stay.
And while you’re at it, take your 22″ rims and shove ’em up your bling hole. Why is it 98% of the time I see a car with “fancy” rims it is painfully obvious that those rims cost more than the blue book value of the piece of shit car they are attached to?
We have such wonderful priorities don’t we? When I say “we” I mean not me.
Is it just me or does it seem like a porno or a drug deal gone bad could break out at any moment in these places?
You can always spot a McMansion from a mile away thanks to the “grand” entrance they ALL have. I wonder what it must feel like to enter your home through such a fantastic portal. On one hand you must feel big and important because you are living the dream but at the same time you must also feel tiny standing next to your giant plastic pillars. Actually I would imagine the “rich “people who own these monstrosities usually just enter through their two car garage. Yeah you heard right, these titans of industry can park two cars, indoors!
The only good thing about McMansions is that you can be sure most of the douchebags who own them are currently losing their asses in this terrible economy. That’s something to be happy about, right?
When Sammy Hagar started his Cabo Wabo tequila brand I thought, “Well, that makes sense, he’s a hard drinking rock star.” You know, honestly I didn’t think anything when I heard Sammy Hagar was starting a tequila company. It’s not really one of those moments we all remember collectively and share over beers. “Where was I when I heard the ‘Red Rocker’ was starting Cabo Wabo? I will never forget that day. I just finished my fourth helping of bread sticks at Olive Garden when our server, Dakota, said ‘yo ya’ll hear-ed Tammy Hanger takilla company maked?’ It was a very powerful moment.”
Sure, Sammy Hagar took one of the most awesome bands ever, ripped its dick off and made it suck dog ass, but I can at least picture him throwing up enough tequila to cover the floor of a mid-sized bathroom. Justin Timberlake, on the other hand… what the hell is he doing launching his own brand of tequila? I could see Timberlake wine coolers maybe, but tequila? I just hate him so fucking much!
I could just as easily put “men who wear gold chains” on my list but when they are worn over a sweater or turtleneck it really pushes the douchebag envelope.
When you wear a gold chain on the outside of your sweater it says to the world “I’m creepy, I sweat too much, I wear Axe, I prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar, I think Jim Belushi is hilarious, I still listen to cassette tapes and I lack the ability to understand why all this is wrong.”
It is also a scientific fact that if one wears a gold chain over one’s sweater, the sweater in question will be ugly enough to induce vomiting and will be worn without a collared shirt underneath.
