You just made my list!

Understand something from the git go, I LOVE old people. If I’ve waited in line at the post office for 20 minutes and just as it’s my turn an old lady hobbles past everyone and walks right up to the counter I’m overjoyed. I’m being serious, I love it.

Good for you old people! You’ve been through enough shit and don’t need to be wasting your last few precious moments waiting in some bullshit line with a bunch of assholes checking their email on their cell phones. You don’t even know what email is and you could not care less that I currently have a score of 40,572 in “Cat Physics” on my iPhone. Although, to be fair, I worked really hard on that score, old people, and you should at least acknowledge it, especially if I’m letting you cut in line at the post office and drive 6 MPH in front of me on the road. Would it kill you to just say “Good job sonny” and take an interest in something I like for a change?

Having said that, old people should not be guarding the bank. I’m guessing the security guard at my bank was born around 1835 but he doesn’t look a day over 130! When I walked in the bank today I was trying to figure out why a guard’s uniform was sitting on top of a pile of dusty meat in the corner and then I realized it was just the guard.

God bless the guy, but forget about him running across the room to karate kick a pistol out of the hands of a robber. At best, this guy might be able to muster up a cranky glare or a disapproving “Hmmmpfff.”

So, I think I’ve made myself clear… old people acting selfish = awesome. Old people with guns = my vast fortune getting robbed.