You just made my list!

Hey thanks for inviting me over to stare at your ceiling for 4 hours! What’s that you say, you want to play Guitar Hero? Sure, let me just go ahead and lie on my back on your dirty floor so I can see the TV. Perfect.

You know, just because you see something on MTV’s Cribs doesn’t mean you have to try and recreate it in your Dorito-covered trailer. As a general rule, if you see some dumb rapper do something on Cribs it’s best to do the opposite. Sure, it might seem cool to have an actual panda bear as your butler, but after the money is gone who’s going to feed that thing? God, I would pay so much money to watch a hungry panda chase Lil Wayne around some shitty, beige, Atlanta McMansion. Lil would try to hide behind his pool table only to immediately regret buying the world’s only perfectly clear pool table made from Swarovski crystals. Go get your Wayne on, panda.

Sorry, I got distracted by that fantasy. When did placing your TV at eye level become the exception rather than the rule? Plus, I can think of no better place for your $1,500 TV than over your hot, dirty, smoke-barfing fireplace. I keep my computer in the oven.

I can’t think of a way to make this funny so deal with it. Maybe by the end I can pull some brilliance from my beautiful butt.

I have a Sirius radio in my car but it’s the kind that docks into my existing radio. It’s starting to die and act like an asshole. It likes to change the channel at random times as if to say, “hey loser this song sucks, check out this Limp Bizkit song over on channel 24.” I don’t want Limp Bizkit thrust upon me so I was thinking it was time for a new radio. No big deal right? I mean it’s 4 years old, I got my money’s worth.

WRONG! I hate that I currently have a drawer full of “out-of-date” cell phones and a once state-of-the-art iMac that I literally can’t give away because it’s 6 years old. I understand why nobody wants my old computer but it’s crazy how disposable this stuff is. Do TV repairmen even exist anymore?

I hate that we find it acceptable if a CD player works for only 3 years before breaking. We don’t think twice about chucking it in the garbage and heading over to Best Buy to get a replacement. My stereo (do people even have stereos anymore?) is made up of components from the 70’s except for my CD player which I purchased in 1989. Not only do they all work perfectly, they sound amazing.

Our disposable culture kind of freaks me out. Maybe it’s because I’m old and still own a stereo. Told you this wouldn’t be funny.