You just made my list!

You know why I hate these people? Because I am jealous. I am jealous that I am not evil enough to scam people out of their money by pretending to understand every thought their dirty ferret has swimming around in its pea-sized brain. I’m jealous that I am too embarrassed to actually sit there with your cat and tell you with a straight face that “Mittens occasionally has suicidal fantasies.”

I’m pretty sure if you could hear a dog’s thoughts it would sound something like this, “hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, food, duh, hi, hi, hi…”

I have had the pleasure(?) of watching Sonya Fitzpatrick, the turd in the above photo, give several readings in person. It’s a long story, but I was at an event for celebrities and their dogs a few years ago in Hollywood. Sonya Fitzpatrick was there spewing shit at an alarming rate while these idiots ate it up like hyper Boston Terriers sucking poo straight from the ass of a Golden Retriever. One after one these actors would stare wide-eyed at Sonya while she explained that Dodger “just hasn’t felt the same since the ice cream incident.” I glared at Sonya every time she was near me hoping she could hear my thoughts.