You just made my list!

Wow, this was some headline to start my day with this morning. How does something this insanely insensitive make it to the front page of Yahoo?

It’s so casual with its “Weekend of death and birth” announcement that it’s actually shocking. That was some CRAZY weekend huh? It’s like they are holding up Amy Poehler’s baby right in Jennifer Hudson’s face and saying “So sorry your family was murdered but look at this cute baby, don’t be such a sourpuss!” Even the photo of Hudson is an odd choice. It looks like the brutal slaying of her mother, brother and young nephew is some sort of wacky blooper that should be followed by a “BOING” sound effect.

And let’s not forget how mean this is to Amy Poehler! First of all, it makes her look like a gloating bitch even though obviously she had no control over this nonsense. Secondly, it’s a strange way to welcome her first child into the world. (Insert baby talk voice) “Hi little baby. Who’s a baby? You’re a baby, yes you are. Yes you are. Yes you are. Did you hear about Jennifer Hudson’s family getting murdered? Did you little baby? Who heard about the murder? Who heard about the murder? Who’s a little baby? Yes you are!”

Idiots.

I was all set to share my wisdom on a completely different subject when I happened upon this “featured” headline on Yahoo. I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Please take note of how important these 5 featured headlines are. Thank god nothing else is happening in the world that might bump Kathy Griffin from the top news story of the moment. WAR IS OVER! Go grab a nurse in Times Square and totally tap dat ass!

OK, let’s ignore the fact that these Yahoo headlines make your high school newspaper look like The New York Times and focus on the reason my panties are all up in a bunch. Can it possibly be news that Kathy Griffin turned down “Dancing with the Stars?” I might, MIGHT, understand if the headline said something like “Kathy Griffin says YES to Dancing with the Stars” but no, this is a story reporting something that would barely be interesting if it HAD happened. It’s no different than a headline that reads “Tom Hanks still alive” or “Student filmmaker still working at Old Navy.” Nobody needs to know.

If I know you personally and you feel compelled to click “The reason why” link please never speak to me again.