Tag Archive 'abercrombie fitch'

Aug 27 2009

Douchebags in puka shell necklaces!

Published by under Jerks

puka shell necklace douchebag

If you are a man* there are very few occasions when a puka shell necklace is allowed on your body. They are…

1) You bought a used time machine on Ebay but the knob is stuck on 1972. It also has a glitch that changes your sex and turns your clothes into a bikini while traveling through time.

2) You are Tatum O’Neal or Jackie Earle Haley and you are starring in “The Bad News Bears.”

3) You are a corpse and your friends thought it would be hilarious to wreck your funeral by strapping some puka shells around your bloated neck.

4) You are Elvis.

5) You are David Cassidy.

6) You work at Abercrombie & Fitch and you swear you were just putting them on as a joke. Ha ha ha, right guys?

7) You are an incredible douche and you want the world to know it!

*check for penis in pants

21 responses so far

May 11 2009

Dark stores at the mall!

abercrombie fitch hollister

I try to avoid the mall. Not because of some great protest against consumerism or because I think I’m better than mall shoppers, it’s really just that I don’t shop very often.

The last time I visited the mall I made the mistake of walking into a Hollister store, or maybe it was an Abercrombie & Fitch, and thought that I had accidentally walked into a haunted house or possibly that I had a stroke which rendered me blind. Have you been in these stupid pieces of shit? They should hand out fucking night vision goggles at the door because you can’t see a god damn thing! Apparently the easiest way to show that your store is cool(?) is to turn the lights off and watch your confused customers bump into each other like blind mice in a maze. Maybe this is a sign of being “old” but I can’t spend more than zero seconds in one of these dungeons without feeling like I am part of a sadistic experiment.

What’s the appeal of their clothing anyway? Why is everyone so happy to wear a shirt that simply says “Hollister” across the chest? I don’t fucking need to know where you purchased your shitty shirt, I can already guess. Oh, and another thing, not only can you not SEE in these stores, you also can’t BREATHE! I’m not sure if it’s the Axe Effect oozing from every douchebag in the store or if they pump in some mind controlling chemical that turns you into a dcouchebag, but either way you will find yourself crawling in the dark desperately trying to find the door.

66 responses so far