You just made my list!

I don’t know about you, but when I am alone in my room fantasizing about babes I always imagine faceless star-shaped women with sharp points where their hands and feet should be. I’m getting hot just thinking about it now! I often have dirty thoughts about an orgy of teal and lavender pointy women all sharing my bed with me. I would run my fingers through their 3 strands of hair and caress every gentle curve of their smooth bodies. It would be a tangled pile of sex, making it impossible to tell where one body stopped and another started. Also making it impossible would be the total lack of features or genitalia on any of my boomerang-shaped lovers.

Boredom + white women + sponge = sponge painting!

I was going to write this long, super hilarious rant about sponge painting and how it looks like a cartoon character has wiped its shitty ass all over your walls, but then I realized I was lazy. Actually, the truth is that while searching for sponge painting photos I discovered the site uglyhousephotos.com and spent WAY too much time on it. The end result is that I have run out of time to write AND I literally feel nauseous from looking at these disgusting houses. I need to cry for a while.

I suck but you probably suck too, so we are even.

I’ve always really hated this dumb take off of Edward Hopper’s legendary painting Nighthawks. I know you’ve seen this hunk of crap titled “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” hanging on the walls of about 50% of the diners you frequent and 15% of the rooms pornos are filmed in. It features the famous corpses of Elvis Presley, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Humphrey Bogart drinking coffee and eating onion rings and I think it’s supposed to bring a tear to your eye and make you want to listen to all 5 hours of “American Pie” by Don McLean.

I always thought this poster was the ultimate example of bad, mass-produced “art” but now that I have done a little research about the artist who created it, Gottfried Helnwein, I am beginning to wonder if this was a joke that just got out of hand. When I took a look at his work I was shocked by how twisted, edgy, bizarre and quite frankly, how fucking cool a lot of his art is.

Even though Helnwein might be a talented artist it does not excuse you from displaying this bad art in your first apartment. If you’re going to do it, at least buy the classy version. Good news, it’s in stock!