You just made my list!

Look, I just want to shake your hand, not dance the forbidden Lambada with you.

I was in a band for years that primarily appealed to a male audience that was usually younger than I am. Often times after we saw a hundred faces and rocked them all, those faces would line up to tell us how fucking awesome we were. They were right. Maybe I’m a fuddy-duddy, but I used to PANIC when some young DJ-type guy would stretch his hand towards me with a smile on his face because I knew I was about to fail at being “cool.”

I could always tell right away from the angle of the hand that this was not going to be my grandfather’s handshake. Oh no my friend, this handshake was going to involve all my concentration and would most likely end in a one-armed, back punching, bro hug. If not a hug, it would at the very least, require me to anticipate what his hand was going to do next in a lame attempt to mimic his movements, thus maintaining my status as the coolest guy in the room. If we locked hands in a soul shake would it end there, or do we have to do that finger-snap thing as we release? I’m sweating just thinking about it. Not only do I not know how to do that finger snap thing, I don’t fucking want to know how! I refuse to practice. I refuse to learn.

I bet a Guy Fieri handshake lasts like 45 minutes and ends shirtless. I have to go throw up.

Honestly I have had a little too much to drink and the last thing I feel like doing is writing about these douchebags but I just HAD to start a blog didn’t I? There is a good chance this will be brief and incoherent.

First of all, if any of you think I’m being racist or attacking hip hop culture please understand I hate all of these people whether they be white, black, hip hop, emo, goth or simply fat and lazy. I don’t care who you are, I don’t need to see your soiled underwear as you attempt to walk around the mall in your over-sized baggy pants around your ankles. You look like a fucking IDIOT holding your crotch in an attempt to… in an attempt to what? I really don’t know. I just know that you suck and your pants suck and your crotch sucks and you look like a nerd who just got pantsed by the varsity quarterback.

Why do I have to be the smartest person in the world with the greatest opinions ever? It’s a burden to tell you the truth. Having this much knowledge and taste is difficult when there are so my dip shits surrounding me in their huge pants. Why? Why Am I so great when everyone else is so dumb? Can there be a bright future for this planet when adults are willing to walk around with their pants around their ankles?

I miss the good old days when rappers wore these pants.
I will also forgive this.

When I saw Lil’ Wayne’s amazing guitar solo this past Saturday on SNL I just about peed my pants with excitement. This has got to be the saddest/funniest moment in the history of the guitar. You’ve got to love that nobody in his band had the balls to say, “Lil’, what’s the fucking deal with the guitar solo? Stop and never ever ever do that again.”

His guitar playing is so horrific it almost makes the rest of this crap song sound better. Doe anyone remember when music was good? I don’t. If you have not already seen this, please enjoy the world’s worst guitar solo!