You just made my list!

You can have my eye-liner when you pry it from my cold, incredibly soft dead hand!

Howdy. Let’s get one thing straight right now partner… I love gay people, I have many gay friends and this has nothing to do with homophobia, but come on guys, let’s butch it up a bit.

How can I take you seriously when you are singing about beer and horses if the cowboy from the Village People makes you look like Isaac Mizrahi? It’s not even about looking “gay,” I guess it’s really more about looking like women while trying to act like tough cowboys. I want my country singers to exist solely on a diet of whiskey, pills, beer, beef jerky and cigarettes. I want a stinky cloud of body odor and hooker’s crotch to linger in the air when they walk out of a room and I want to feel like less of a man for even standing in their presence.

It seems strange that your average southern male country fan would kick the ass of any gay man but then turns around and worships these overly-groomed fancy lads who look they they just stepped out of a 1991 gay porno. Although, let me give HUGE props to Rascal Flatts for actually having the balls to write a song in favor of being who you really are, gay or straight. The song sucks donkey balls but it’s very cool that a hit country band with plenty to lose would have the guts to do such a thing.

So come on dudes, man up or Johnny Cash’s zombie corpse will rise up and kick you in your freshly waxed balls.

Let me start by saying this, Johnny Cash is the coolest person who ever walked the earth. It is impossible to be cooler than Johnny Cash. Hey, you know who is less cool than Johnny Cash? Justin fucking Timberlake. You know who’s less cool than my uncle’s balls? Justin-fucking-god-damn-Timberlake. This is why I almost threw my TV out the window and set myself on fire when I saw Justine’s douchebag face in a Johnny Cash tribute video. Fuck off! Justin Timberlake isn’t worthy to smell Johnny Cash’s farts. I’m not so sure Cash isn’t climbing out of his grave at this very moment on the way to kick his ass.

Can we all stop pretending we need to take this prancing, boy band, Michael Jackson rip off, ass wad seriously? I realize it’s cool to prove how ironic you are by playing his crap music at your lame party but enough is enough. You’ve had your fun, now go back to playing music you actually like and your friends want to hear. Your mustache is enough to let us know how ironically awesome you are. Just look at that picture of him, do you think “The Man in Black” wants this turd and his pube hair in one of his videos? Do you think Johnny Cash would be whistling “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” to himself if he were alive?

Johnny Cash could not be more opposite of Justin Timberlake. Cash was the real deal, he was as honest as they come. When he sings about pain you feel pain. When he sings about love you feel love. When he sings about drugs you feel high. No focus group was telling Johnny Cash what to do or how to dress and if you asked him to make an appearance on TRL to promote his new single he would have kicked you in the balls and snorted cocaine off your tears.

There will never be another Johnny Cash but there will always be another Justin Timberlake. You’re stinking up my list Timberlake!