You just made my list!

So there’s no post today but it’s not my fault. Last night was my office Christmas party and I’m surprised I’m even alive. I’m pretty sure I got someone pregnant last night but I don’t know if it was Janet from accounting or Keith the IT guy. Let’s just sum up the night with a list of things I witnessed with my own eyes… a woman throwing up into her own lap, a tow truck, a small electrical fire, 5 breasts, 1 penis (not including my own), my boss’s daughter forcing me to watch her strip totally nude in the bathroom, shoplifting, public urination, a man eat an entire XL pizza in under 7 minutes and a dog wearing pants.

Also, none of that is true, except the boss’s daughter stripping in the bathroom, that really happened but it was 12 years ago. Honestly, I was just too tired last night to write. My office party is Friday but I work with 3 people so the chance of crazy antics is low. I am sorry.

Shut up and watch this instead…

The original, in case you are not old like me

Happy New Year Everyone!

Now that that’s out of the way… I hate New Year’s Eve. Well, really I hate the pressure of making sure it’s an epically awesome night. I hate being forced to look back over the past year only to realize you have accomplished nothing and you are still the same dumb ass you were exactly one year ago. I hate year-end lists (except for my Food Network douchebag list which is awesome). I hate thinking “maybe this year will be the year it all happens for me” while secretly knowing it will probably be worse than the previous year. I like parties. I like getting drunk.

Whatever, 2008 was a steaming pile of horse shit, good riddance.