You just made my list!

I have already written about what a hunk of ass shit the new Pepsi logo is but I feel it’s time to talk about the turd water contained within those ugly new cans. By the way, in the previous sentence I did not intend to write “ass shit” but I think it has a snappy ring to it, so it stays!

The official list of delicious colas is as follows:

#1 Coca-Cola – Some people call it Coke.
#2 Royal Crown Cola – RC is almost good enough to tie for 1st.
#3 Shitty generic colas – The kind you get after T-ball.
#4 Cola used in an enema procedure and then placed back in a can.
#5 Pepsi.

To be honest, a good root beer will kick the ass of a cola any day of the week, except pizza night… pizza needs cola like Ron Jeremy needs his mustache. Don’t give me this pizza and beer bullshit either. Yes, beer is awesome and yes pizza is awesome BUT pizza needs to be washed down with a freezing Coke or an RC. It’s science but you wouldn’t understand.

If I’m presented with the classic “Is Pepsi OK” question after ordering a Coke, I simply look the server in the eye and cordially say “Nope, I’ll stick with the original plan where I drink the world’s most famous soft drink that you clearly must have in your fine eatery. Now be gone with you and go get me that delicious Coke as per my original request.”

Fuck Pepsi.

Here’s my challenge, my Pepsi challenge if you will… give me way less money, say $500,000, and I will design a new logo for Pepsi that kicks the sissy ass of this piece of shit. In fact, Pepsi could simply pay me $250,000 and I will save them about 40 million in rebranding by telling them to stick with their old/better logo. After I cash the check for $250K I would tell them their cola tastes like ass! Ass and sugar. It will be such an awesome burn because what are they gonna do, I already cashed the check (and waited for it to clear).

I will never understand why a company feels the urge to constantly spend millions and millions to simply tweak their logo in a misguided attempt to make it “hip” and “edgy.” It is extremely rare that this rebranding will end up superior to the existing identity. The only successful rebranding that comes to mind is FedEx.

These Pepsi jerks should learn a lesson from Coca-cola and 1) stay consistent and burn that logo into our minds for 100 years so we see it in our sleep and 2) make their drink taste more awesome and less like liquid balls. I realize this implies I know what balls taste like, well I do, they taste like Pepsi.