You just made my list!

Have you ever seen someone and in less than a second you just know they are a tool? It’s a subtle observation because they basically look normal but maybe it’s something about their hair or their choice of tie that clues you into the fact that they suck. You just don’t like the cut of their jib!

Well this happened to me while waiting in line today at Jimmy John’s. From the beginning it was destined to be an annoying event. I walked in and stood behind a guy who was obviously in line. I mean, when you stand in front of the register at the “order here” sign it means you are in line, right? Turns out not always. After I realized this guy wasn’t doing shit I asked if he was, in fact, in line. He turned and looked at me as if I had just asked if I could fuck his wife and said “noooo” like I was an idiot for asking. Strike one. Then his douchey friend emerged from the back (probably pooping and not washing his hands) and I just knew instantly that this guy was trouble. Both of these guys looked “normal” in their Dockers and sensible hair cuts but I knew some shit was about to go down. Literally.

Like most Jimmy John’s this space was small and echoey so nobody had to strain to hear these guys discussing raw sewage and poop. It wasn’t so much that this discussion of human waste grossed me out (it obviously did a little), it was really more that I don’t understand jerks like this who have zero awareness of the world that exists 3 inches past their fat faces. How do you not know to move out of the way after you order? How do you not notice the humans standing behind you who obviously think you are in line? How do you not know that the lunch crowd does not want to hear about how your family’s smelly shit is backing up into the yard?

How did I get to be the smartest person on earth?

Let me set the scene for you…

You are waiting in a long line at a restaurant. Well, actually more like a local hot dog or burger joint that is always busy. It’s a long line that holds more people than the amount of seating in the restaurant. To the untrained eye, the eye of a selfish prick for example, it seems almost certain that you will get your food but will be unable to find an open table at which to feed your fat face. So it looks like you have a real problem on your hands. Oh my god, what should you do, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

I’ll tell you what normal people do, they wait in line, get their food and sit at the table that inevitably opens up just in time. Now the amateur, or “asshole,” will choose a different path, a darker path. They will rip apart the fabric that holds society together. These jerks will send a member of their group to save a table although they still have a good 10 minutes of line to wait in. I have two words for these people… go-fuck-yourself-you-table-saving-buttholes.

As soon as you jump the line to save a table you throw the entire symbiotic relationship of the people waiting and the people eating. In these types of restaurants the crowd generally eats quickly and leaves which means by the time you get your food a table will be waiting for you. But these selfish jerks fuck it up for everyone. They create panic and discord in the herd. They need to be stopped.

The real reason this gets me so red in the face is not so much that I am worried I will not find a table, rather it’s just another case of my fellow man acting selfish and remaining unaware that other people exist. Just wait your turn like everyone else.