Tag Archive 'the office'

Sep 07 2010

Masturbating to pens!

naked lady disappearing clothes nudie pens

Yeah, I masturbated to this novelty, disappearing clothes pen. Jealous?

I’m not proud of it (maybe a little) but it happened and I think we should all just acknowledge it and move on.

How was it that I found myself straining my eyes to masturbate to a tiny naked lady on an ink pen? That is a great question, thanks for asking. You see, the year was 1998, the Barenaked Ladies (ironically) topped the charts with their brilliant Canadian-comedy-pop-rap, Robin Williams turned the world of pediatrics on its red rubber balls with his touching portrayal of Patch Adams and thanks to pre-9/11 American bliss we were still innocent enough to masturbate to pens at work.

I was an optimistic young man working at a mid-sized company and occasionally I had a little extra time on my hands (ironically). Don’t get me wrong, I worked very hard (ironically) for this company but when I was between projects I had to literally stare at my desk. All you whippersnappers out there don’t know what it’s like to kill time at a job WITHOUT THE INTERNET but it was brutal!

Sure, I perfected the 20 minute walk around the office looking busy and the taking a nap sitting upright at my desk with my hand on the mouse (ironically) but that wasn’t always enough. Now, the following formula may seem foreign to you ladies but do your best to follow along…

Boredom + Time + Penis = Masturbation

The only unknowns in that equation are how and where. And in my case, which pen to bring along.

It was pretty simple really. I would bring my date, either the tall blonde in heels or the cute brunette with the big 70s bush, into the bathroom stall and quickly do my business. It had to be quick because the receptionist’s desk faced the entrance to the bathrooms and I’m sure she knew the time it took the average person to pee and/or poop. Any deviation from those two options would not go unnoticed so I really had to emulate the duration of a normal poo session. If someone walked into the bathroom while I was romancing myself I immediately ceased operations and switched to simulated pooping. It was the perfect plan.

Keep in mind, this only happened a couple times because usually I was too busy and the sadness of jerking off to a pen was not lost on me.

Deal with it.

52 responses so far

Sep 30 2008

Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) and his stupid “camera looks” on The Office!

Yes, I am one of those annoying people who can’t stop saying “how much better the original British version of ‘The Office’ is.” That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the American version of The Office, I just don’t like it as much. I really love most of the peripheral characters like Creed, Andy, Kelly, Meredith and it’s hard to dislike Rainn Wilson as Dwight, however I find the main characters to be much less interesting and I can barely stomach Steve Carell’s performance as Michael Scott.

Blah blah blah, who cares about my opinion of every single character on The Office? Well it’s my blog (God, I hate the word blog) so you will have to suffer through. ANYWAY, what do I hate most about the American version? The god damn “Jim look” that is shot my way every 30 seconds! WE GET IT, Jim is the only sane person in the office and he knows everyone is crazy and he’s normal and all his coworkers are idiots. You know what, I can figure that out without such a blatant “aw shucks” reminder.

Should I care about something so insignificant as the world crumbles around us? YES YES YES! I have to care, it must happen! Every time Jim turns his head, looks directly at me and scrunches up his face as if to say, “gee whiz my coworker are dumb” I am forced to turn to the imaginary camera in my living room, scrunch up my face as if to say, “gee whiz I’m fucking sick of that guy’s ‘gee whiz’ face.”

I know there are people who love the “Jim look” but the difference between them and me is that I am right and they are wrong. Bow before my superior opinions!

This is dumb.

In case you care, here’s a photo of Jenna Fischer’s ass. You’re welcome.

40 responses so far