Tag Archive 'vh1'

Aug 05 2009

This naked ad for The T.O. Show!

terrell owens TO show

Let me explain why this ad is on my list before you get on your soapbox and call me homophobic. I’m not at all homophobic, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy that the only available treadmill at the gym today faced this poster. My treadmill was about 18″ away so I was forced to literally stare head-on at Terrell Owens’ chiseled body while I lazily walked along like an old guy at the mall. Hey, I burned off 34 calories during those 5 minutes I’ll have you know!

I don’t need that kind of pressure at the gym. I specifically joined Bally because it’s mostly filled with lazy fat slobs who workout for about 2 weeks before getting bored and retreating back to sucking on the fast food teat. At Bally, I almost look athletic, but not when this shit is staring me down. Is it too much to ask for posters of Dom Deluise or “Rerun” to grace the walls so I can remain delusional about the state of my own body? Why the hell is he even naked in this ad?

Plus, what if coincidentally got a boner while staring at this poster. I have yet to get a boner at the gym, but what if I popped one of those “just woke up from a nap” boners while on the treadmill facing a naked T.O.? What if I accidentally started to masturbate after I accidentally got a boner? I’m not saying it’s likely, but WHAT IF?!?

Fuck it, I’m not going back to the gym until his show is canceled.

9 responses so far

Jul 24 2008

VH1’s I Love the New Millennium!

Come on, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Is VH1 really so bored that they need to pull Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black out of the mothballs to make snarky comments on the ACTUAL DECADE WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN?

Hey, who remembers hurricane Katrina? That was hilarious! Remember Paris Hilton? What ever happened to her? And just who DID let the dogs out? Is this show real or is it an elaborate hoax created by my enemies to give me a rage-induced heart attack?

OK, here’s the deal. I liked “I Love the 80’s” the first time around. In fact I watched all ten episodes in a row at my friend’s house. I was moderately amused by “I Love the 70’s.” Then came “I Love the 90’s” and I was starting to fantasize about different ways to murder Hal Sparks. What’s next “I Love right now” where Michael Ian Black discusses what Hal Sparks just said and Hal Sparks discusses what Michael Ian Black just said in a never-ending loop?

Stop it VH1. You are making me dislike Michael Ian Black, a person I happen to really like otherwise. On the other hand, I could give two shits about Hal Sparks and his crap heavy metal band. How can you possibly sound heavy and awesome if the name of your band is “The Hal Sparks Band?”

“Dude, why are your ears bleeding?”

“Oh, I was just listening to The Hal Sparks Band.”

VH1, stop before you kill again. Let Hal go back to his first love, trying to find leather pants in toddler sizes so he can look tough.

2 responses so far