You just made my list!

I was all set to write about something else when fate directed me to this bullshit. All of these inventions aim to do the same thing… make you look like a dick while the rest of the world is being awesome.

OrbitWheel
What do you get when you cross a skateboard with inline skates? A fucking shitty skateboard. If you ever dreamed of ripping your crotch in two the OrbitWheel is your best bet!

AquaSkipper
Maybe you would rather look like an asshole on water. Great, just climb aboard your AquaSkipper and start humping!

“Walk On Water Shoes”
Perhaps you love the water but the AquaSkipper is just a little too extreme for you. Well I would suggest stripping down to your underwear, strapping on your water shoes and going for a nice walk on the ocean.

Swerver Ultimate Carving Streetboard
A skateboard cracked in half? Sure, why not.

Magic Wheel
Let’s see… if there was just a way to combine the nerdiness of a unicycle with the outrageous fun of a wheel chair… hmmmmm… and if you could put it dangerously close to my balls that would be perfect.

You know those people in the Philippines and Latin America who flog and crucify themselves in an attempt to feel the exact pain Jesus Christ went through? Well, that’s nothing compared to the pain and horror of drinking water through a straw. If Jesus had to suck down a glass of water through a straw to save us from our sins I bet he would have thought twice about it.

“What’s it gonna be Jesus?”

“Um, hold on, I’m thinking. Is that nailing me to a cross thing still an option?”

This is a true story, I was once at lunch with a 5-year-old child who took a big drink of his water through a straw thinking it was soda. What followed was the most overt expression of disappointment I have EVER seen on a human face. He was literally on the brink of tears and who can blame him? The human brain is simply not equipped to handle such an assault, or lack thereof, on the senses. There is no doubt in my mind that this child will become a serial killer.

And while I’m on the subject of water… can you please stop putting a slice of lemon in my glass? I asked for water not the world’s shittiest lemonade.