You just made my list!

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap…

That slow clap is for you, Kleenex, for having the balls to stick your middle finger up Mother Nature’s ass and say right to her face, “Fuck you bitch, you’re not the boss of me!” What’s next Kleenex? Q-tips made out out baby seal fur? HELL YEAH, fuckin’ go fuckin’ for it! BEER! (sorry, I’m still kind of amped from the 4th of July)

I will admit, I kind of hate the “green” movement. Not because of what it stands for, it stands for the RIGHT thing and we should all be more conscious about our impact on the environment, but rather I hate the way it has become the flavor-of-the-month for marketing agencies and an empty gesture made by most people. “Sure, I drive a Hummer but I also changed all the lights around the pool to compact fluorescent bulbs, so I’m doing my part.”

But come on Kleenex, disposable single-use hand towels in your home bathroom? Bravo! That’s like trying to sell “I hate America” T-shirts on September 12th. Although, this is one of the rare times I am wrong because people WILL buy this ridiculous gimmick because we (not me, you) are afraid of EVERYTHING in this country.

Kleenex will have everyone believing porn stars sneak into their bathrooms at night and jerk off all over their towels while their family safely dreams about EPCOT Center and Guitar Hero in their bedrooms. Oh, and those porn stars all have AIDS… and bird flu. Also, the birds had AIDS so they are really covering your towels in human AIDS, bird flu and bird AIDS. So if you are keeping score, that’s two AIDS and one flu. ON YOUR TOWELS!

The subject of the oil spill and the incredible greed at BP is simply too depressing to even think about, so instead I give you ten clips of deer licking other animals.

Boycott BP and BP brands:
Castrol, Arco, Aral, am/pm, Amoco, Wild Bean Cafe and, Safeway gas.

Now let the licking begin!

From the beginning, let me say I agree with trying to be environmentally responsible and I do things in my own life to reduce my “carbon footprint.” Now that I have that out of the way… stop trying to ruin EVERYTHING you stupid hippies!

Earlier in the week I heard some dingbats on NPR babbling on and on about how to be “green” on Halloween. Not awesome green like a zombie, but lame green like your costume is made out of recycled toilet paper and yard waste.

They had some fantastic tips, like using a beeswax candle in your pumpkin because it’s more sustainable than paraffin, or having a composting party where you compost half of your kid’s candy. You know, the candy they waited all fucking year to collect. Yeah, just go ahead and toss their yummy candy in a bin with kitchen scraps, leaves and worms. Why don’t these parents go ahead and force their kids to dress as Ira Glass or Terry Gross* while they are at it. Dicks.

Do these busy-body hippie turds have to strip the fun out of everything? I’m pretty much a left-wing liberal but when I hear shit like this on NPR it makes me want to have sex with a bald eagle while Ted Nugent pours beer all over me. This program made me want to dress up as a Transformer this Halloween. My costume will consist of real, running motorcycles attached to my arms, a gas-powered lawn mower on my head and my feet will be two actual Hummers that will drive me from house to house. Oh yes, you will hear me coming down your block.

*OK, Terry Gross could be a good costume because you could play with the “gross” angle and be a zombie NPR host. Wait, no, forget I said that. That is the dumbest idea ever and I hate myself for not deleting it right now.

Hey kids, gather around, I want to tell you something. Santa Claus is going to die this summer. That’s right, Santa, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer, the people who take care of the reindeer, Santa’s accountant, his IT guy, their personal chef and the entire staff are all going to fucking drown. Santa’s workshop and home will rip apart and fall into the frigid waters. Tiny, bloated elf corpses will litter the water along with Timmy’s xbox, little Sarah’s Dora the Explorer Springtime Princess doll, Tommy’s Jeff Gordon NASCAR action figure and Susie’s “Baby Looks Sick.”

That’s right, for the first time in, I don’t know, EVER the North Pole might be ice-free this summer. Congratulations everyone, we did it!

Listen up jerks, scientists do not have a political agenda, at least the ones not hired by George Bush. They are obsessed with facts and verifiable data, it’s what these nerds live for and even though you kicked their sissy asses in high school these dorks are still trying to save your fat life you fatty.

The evidence is overwhelming that global warming is very real and very manmade so wipe the Cheeto dust off your face and wise up you big dummy. Ignoring science is like pouring boiling water on your arm and then proclaiming “the jury is out” on exactly why your Tasmanian Devil tattoo is starting to blister and melt.

Those of you who don’t think global warming is real have a permanent home on my list!