You just made my list!

I don’t care how “gay” this makes me, but I hate it when girls do the “hot” Halloween costume thing.

“Oh, what are you dressed as?”

“I’m a hot Guantanamo Bay enemy combatant.”

“But you are just wearing lingerie.”

“I know, right? What’s a com-bat-ant?”

It’s not the “hot” aspect I dislike, it’s more about the lack of effort put into these whore outfits. I’ve spent the last two weeks driving around like an asshole looking for a wig and trying to find the exact right compressed air tank to accomplish my stupid costume and all these sluts have to do is show off their incredibly hot, young, tight bodies. Wait, I’m getting confused.

Here’s the deal, I think Halloween costumes are best when they are horribly uncomfortable to wear all night, either physically or emotionally. For example, my friend sent me these photos from a party she attended last night. This fucking genius deserves some sort of “Halloween Commitment To Excellence Award” for cutting and dying his hair and walking around as king douchebag Guy Fieri all night! This guy even purchased official Guy Fieri wristbands! That is serious commitment. This guy is my hero!

It just isn’t fair that this courageous man has to suffer so greatly while others just get to be slightly more slutty versions of themselves.

Who cares? Ignore me. OK assholes, have fun this weekend.

I’m taking the day off to work on my Levi Johnston costume, so relive how hilarious and insightful I was last year.

Happy Halloween jerks!

From the beginning, let me say I agree with trying to be environmentally responsible and I do things in my own life to reduce my “carbon footprint.” Now that I have that out of the way… stop trying to ruin EVERYTHING you stupid hippies!

Earlier in the week I heard some dingbats on NPR babbling on and on about how to be “green” on Halloween. Not awesome green like a zombie, but lame green like your costume is made out of recycled toilet paper and yard waste.

They had some fantastic tips, like using a beeswax candle in your pumpkin because it’s more sustainable than paraffin, or having a composting party where you compost half of your kid’s candy. You know, the candy they waited all fucking year to collect. Yeah, just go ahead and toss their yummy candy in a bin with kitchen scraps, leaves and worms. Why don’t these parents go ahead and force their kids to dress as Ira Glass or Terry Gross* while they are at it. Dicks.

Do these busy-body hippie turds have to strip the fun out of everything? I’m pretty much a left-wing liberal but when I hear shit like this on NPR it makes me want to have sex with a bald eagle while Ted Nugent pours beer all over me. This program made me want to dress up as a Transformer this Halloween. My costume will consist of real, running motorcycles attached to my arms, a gas-powered lawn mower on my head and my feet will be two actual Hummers that will drive me from house to house. Oh yes, you will hear me coming down your block.

*OK, Terry Gross could be a good costume because you could play with the “gross” angle and be a zombie NPR host. Wait, no, forget I said that. That is the dumbest idea ever and I hate myself for not deleting it right now.

Question: Have you ever seen a guy dressed as a pimp for Halloween who was NOT a huge douchebag?
Answer: No.

I think a better name for this costume would be “Guy who will fail to give you an orgasm but will jizz in your hair before yacking all over your bed and probably also a little in your hair so now you have barf and jizz in your hair.” That might be a little long for the packaging but you have to admit, it’s catchy!

I would be willing to bet my life savings (currently in negative status) that both Jon Gosselin and Guy Fieri have dressed as pimps at some point in their douchey lives. Chew on THAT before you decide to dress as a pimp this year!

If you were a little kid in the 70s, or even up to the mid 80s, you probably have similar Halloween memories to mine. You would start planning your costume around November 3rd shortly after eating five pillowcases filled with candy over the previous three days and when Halloween finally did roll around you would trick-or-treat for hours. I easily, without exaggeration, walked about 140 miles while trick or treating each Halloween. Keep in mind, if my costume called for it I would walk these long miles in bare feet (i.e. barefoot hobo, barefoot zombie, barefoot cowboy, barefoot Batman).

My parents would remove the window from the front door to more easily hand out candy to the never-ending line of trick-or-treaters who would show up on our stoop all night until they finally were forced to turn the porch light off at 10:30 or 11:00. They always, ALWAYS, ran out of candy and my dad would quickly drive to the store to buy more.

It was Halloween motherfucker and it fucking RULED!

Sadly, tragically really, those days are over. Last year I moved to a house after living in an apartment the city for 15 years and I was ready for a long night of answering the door to a chorus of little voices screaming “TRICK-OR-TREAT” in unison but the doorbell rang twice, exactly TWICE! First, four cute little kids dressed as Spidermen and princesses rang my bell, YAY! Then an hour later two teens dressed as two teens rang the the bell and demanded candy. Happy fucking Halloween.

I ran into my 9 year old neighbor today and asked if she was excited about Halloween. She shrugged. I asked what she was dressing up as and she said “we are not allowed to dress up at our school.” I curled up into a ball and cried until my tears formed a puddle around me.

I know I sound like an old man complaining about “my day” but come on, what’s the deal? I know what the deal is, parents think their kids are going to be poisoned or razor bladed or whatever. This fear is baseless and not anchored by fact whatsoever. Creepy loners don’t put razor blades in apples and they don’t hand out poisoned candy. It just does not happen.

I honestly feel sad for these kids. Halloween was second only to Christmas when I was growing up. Maybe someone should create an “Extreme Trick-or-Treat” game for Xbox so kids can sit at home on their fat asses all night.