You just made my list!

From the beginning, let me say I agree with trying to be environmentally responsible and I do things in my own life to reduce my “carbon footprint.” Now that I have that out of the way… stop trying to ruin EVERYTHING you stupid hippies!

Earlier in the week I heard some dingbats on NPR babbling on and on about how to be “green” on Halloween. Not awesome green like a zombie, but lame green like your costume is made out of recycled toilet paper and yard waste.

They had some fantastic tips, like using a beeswax candle in your pumpkin because it’s more sustainable than paraffin, or having a composting party where you compost half of your kid’s candy. You know, the candy they waited all fucking year to collect. Yeah, just go ahead and toss their yummy candy in a bin with kitchen scraps, leaves and worms. Why don’t these parents go ahead and force their kids to dress as Ira Glass or Terry Gross* while they are at it. Dicks.

Do these busy-body hippie turds have to strip the fun out of everything? I’m pretty much a left-wing liberal but when I hear shit like this on NPR it makes me want to have sex with a bald eagle while Ted Nugent pours beer all over me. This program made me want to dress up as a Transformer this Halloween. My costume will consist of real, running motorcycles attached to my arms, a gas-powered lawn mower on my head and my feet will be two actual Hummers that will drive me from house to house. Oh yes, you will hear me coming down your block.

*OK, Terry Gross could be a good costume because you could play with the “gross” angle and be a zombie NPR host. Wait, no, forget I said that. That is the dumbest idea ever and I hate myself for not deleting it right now.

“Hey everyone, look at me, my bike is different and I love NPR.”

Oh brother. I just rolled my eyes so hard that I lost my balance and fell off my chair. Speaking of chairs and balance, I sure do hate recumbent bikes. What’s it going to be? Are you going for a bike ride or are you relaxing in your favorite chair? Take your pick, because you look like a douche-sack when you do both simultaneously.

We get it, you love world music, you aren’t afraid to eat Ethiopian food, you mow your yard with one of those old timey push mowers and nothing gives you a bigger boner than listening to Garrison Keillor on your iPod while riding around on your wacky bike.

I use the Johnny Cash formula to decide if something is cool or not. Anyone can use this proven method, it’s easy. For example, would Johnny Cash have ridden a motorcycle? Yes, ergo motorcycles are cool. Would Johnny Cash wash a handful of pills down with a beer? Yes, therefore abusing prescription medicine and alcohol is cool. Now, would Johnny Cash cruise around Connecticut on some asswipe recumbent bike? Fuck no!

I have a real love/hate relationship with NPR. Yesterday while listening to the program “Re:sound” on my shower radio (soak it in ladies) it was all hate! It started off innocently enough with various music related subjects but the last segment sent me into a rage spiral. A sexy, sexy, naked rage spiral!

The host of the program, Gwen Macsai, said something like “blah blah bah, and finally here’s a chorus of teapots.” I was optimistic and thought someone had found a way to play a tune with multiple whistling tea kettles. Nope. It was literally four tuneless, screaming, hissing teapots drilling their way through my ears. Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, Gwen gets back on the mic and says something like “that was ‘Four Teapots’ produced by blah blah blah AND blah blah blah.” Do you understand what I am saying here? It took two people to record and “produce” the whistling teapots! TWO PEOPLE! It took two people in ironic nerd glasses and sensible thrift store shoes to record some noisy teapots. Fuck off!

If you don’t believe me (I wouldn’t) take a look at the bottom of this page.

NPR has some great shows and thankfully they exist as an alternative to the sea of mindless drivel that fills most of the airwaves but they just can’t help themselves from doing stupid shit. No wonder so many people hate liberals. Being told a bunch of howling teapots is art is enough to make me vote Palin/Limbaugh in 2012.