You just made my list!

Do you have an important funeral to attend but you just don’t feel like getting all dressed up in blue jeans for it? Have you been invited to a wedding and think it’s unfair that you can’t just wear your pajamas? I mean what’s more important than YOUR comfort, right? For years women have suffered the inhumane torture of wearing jeans in public. What, is everyone supposed to be the Queen of England?

Introducing Pajama Jeans, you lazy piece of shit! Now you can wear your PJs to your mother’s funeral and all the other dopes in attendance will think you have dressed up in jeans. Joke’s on them, it’s our little secret.

Pajama Jeans provide the best of both worlds… the laziness of wearing jeans every day, and the laziness of wearing your pajamas in public! Our patented stretchy material works for all shapes and sizes, so cramming your fat ass in there for a trip to Walmart will be a snap. The special interior “Dormi Soft” material is as soft as a baby’s face. It’s like rubbing your sweaty vagina against a cute baby’s face, what could be better?!?

You can wear your pretend jeans with sandals, bare feet, Crocs, or if you have an important court date for your recent D.U.I. you can even wear them with flip-flops.

But wait, there’s more! You can even work out in your magical fake jeans. I’m just kidding, we all now there’s no need for you to work out, it’s McDonalds’ fault you are fat. You should fucking sue!

Order now and we will throw in a free T-shirt that you will most likely use to wipe Slurpee spills off your belly.

Finally, Americans have a way to dress casually! Order your Pajama Jeans NOW!!

Guess what? This post is going to suck it hard because it’s late and I’m lazy. You see, I actually had to prepare a bunch of stuff tonight for a workshop I was asked to teach about blogging. I know, RIGHT? I am so fucking awesome! I’m going to make the world’s worst/best Power Point presentation for this thing, I can’t wait. I need to track down a corduroy jacket with elbow patches ASAP!

So anyway… let’s talk a little bit about ripped up designer jeans. They are ridiculous. Can I just say that and go to bed?

Why do people want to walk around like they were just attacked by fucking piranhas? And why do they want to pay handsomely for that privilege? When did it become cool to look homeless? Sorry bro, it doesn’t make you look edgy, it just makes you look like you were dragged behind a tractor. Ahhhhh, let me hold onto that image for a while.

The people who wear this nonsense seriously need to get their shit together and think about doing something important with their lives, like teaching blogging workshops. As a professor of blogging, I have superior intelligence and can tell you, without question, that these inconsequential simpletons know not of their own deplorable demeanor. The French have a saying, “Votre pantalon est chié” which means, “Your pants are shit.” At least that’s what Babel Fish says.

Let’s play a game! It’s called “See if you can spot the new Gap logo.” Don’t get cocky and think it’s going to be easy, the team that did the redesign used a computer. Yeah, a computer to make a logo, can you even believe that? I did some research on AOL and I’m pretty sure they used a program called “Excel” by a computer software company called “Microsoft.” Whatever they used, the results are incredible!!!

Ready? Set? FIND THE NEW GAP LOGO!

No, no, no, no, no, no! Never do this this to yourself. For the love of god, have some self respect.

Unless you are worried about pickpockets or losing your change while doing a handstand at your friend’s shitty wedding (see Jill the whore and Kevin’s wedding video) there is no reason a man should ever have dainty flaps on his jean pockets. Now you reply in an annoying voice, “but it’s fashion, I’m just trying to look cool.” God, I hate your voice. Listen, I understand wanting to look good but the trick to looking good as a guy is to look like you aren’t trying too hard. Actually, you shouldn’t really try too hard.

Stick with the basics and you can avoid looking back at old photos with shame from all the trends you followed over the years. Sadly, I did not learn this until my early 20s and have college photos of me, a skinny suburban white kid, dressed as a member of De La Soul. I could often be found looking like an extra on “Do The Right Thing.” Luckily, I did not dress hip hoppy every day, but I did it enough to feel ashamed for the rest of my life.

I hate to be the one to break the bad news to you, but if you are a guy who wears jeans with pocket flaps, you need to be aware that the world looks at your fancy ass and says, “That guy is gay.” If you are a gay man who wears these jeans, the world is looking at you and saying, “That gay guy is wearing those straight guy gay pants.” In either scenario you are being horribly misunderstood.

In summation, your pocket flap pants are douchey and your douchey ass is douchey for wearing them you douchebag.

Honestly I have had a little too much to drink and the last thing I feel like doing is writing about these douchebags but I just HAD to start a blog didn’t I? There is a good chance this will be brief and incoherent.

First of all, if any of you think I’m being racist or attacking hip hop culture please understand I hate all of these people whether they be white, black, hip hop, emo, goth or simply fat and lazy. I don’t care who you are, I don’t need to see your soiled underwear as you attempt to walk around the mall in your over-sized baggy pants around your ankles. You look like a fucking IDIOT holding your crotch in an attempt to… in an attempt to what? I really don’t know. I just know that you suck and your pants suck and your crotch sucks and you look like a nerd who just got pantsed by the varsity quarterback.

Why do I have to be the smartest person in the world with the greatest opinions ever? It’s a burden to tell you the truth. Having this much knowledge and taste is difficult when there are so my dip shits surrounding me in their huge pants. Why? Why Am I so great when everyone else is so dumb? Can there be a bright future for this planet when adults are willing to walk around with their pants around their ankles?

I miss the good old days when rappers wore these pants.
I will also forgive this.