This is an actual photo of the asshole sky that hung over my head all day today in Chicago. What’s the big deal, every place on Earth has gray (is it gray or grey) days, cheer up little fella. Right? Fuck you, you weather-know-it-all-jerk because this is the sky I have seen for the last 2 weeks and will continue to see for the next 5 months. If it were legal I would pay someone to keep me in a controlled coma for the next 5 months.
If the dark skies don’t convince you to drop a toaster in the bath the unholy wind blasting through your soul like dentist drill will. I am not exaggerating when I say that the winter wind in Chicago has made me cry… as an adult.
But then big beautiful snowflakes the size of cotton balls gently wiggle their way down from the inky night sky and every tree branch looks like it has been covered in whipped cream and mayonnaise by Paula Dean. The snow absorbs all the usual city noise and it sounds like you are hiding under a blanket. Charming. WRONG because the next day you wake up to your street littered with folding chairs and miscellaneous garbage placed by your fucking, dipshit, asshole, white trash, cocksucker, fuckwad, idiotic, selfish neighbors who believe they can save “their” parking spot for THE ENTIRE WINTER. This might honestly be the thing I despise most in life.
Thank God you protected your 1997 Dodge Neon from possible dings by parking in five spots. I wish your parents aborted you.
These assholes should be sterilized. The sterilization process should consist of their shitty car being shoved up their penis until it explodes. I honestly want these people to die. Seriously, I want all people who park in two spaces in some pathetic attempt to protect their shitty car to die. Actual death. DIE!
I just realized there is not much more to say about this subject and now I’m panicking because everyone is going to be like, “Listy, you suck. You’re off your game.” So let me say this, fuck off. Sometimes I just need to complain and not be funny. Also, I’m in a very good mood thanks to many beers and it’s hard to complain when you are feeling jolly. So don’t bother telling me I suck, I already know.
So, to sum it up, people who park in two parking spots should be murdered.
Also, this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. If you disagree, please stop visiting my website.
After last night’s election I’m still having a hard time feeling negative about much BUT this morning I had to suffer through something so horrible that it almost ruined the historic day. Much like dropping my keys, I find the simple act of performing a basic three point turn around in the middle of a street to be torture. When I realize the only parallel parking space available must be reached by a quick turn around in the middle of the block I start to seriously consider just driving away until I reach a new town where I can start a new life under a different name.
Is there anything worse than that awkward pause after putting your car in reverse when the transmission is just not ready to move in a new direction yet? You press the gas pedal but the car sits there and does nothing as if to say, “fuck it, I don’t feel like it right now.” Even if you are in the middle of Death Valley the street will suddenly become filled with cars waiting to pass while you inch back and forth like a turd in the middle of the street. They stare at you and judge you with their judgey eyes. STOP LOOKING AT ME, I’M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!
