Tag Archive 'puppets'

Dec 22 2010

Blame Santa Claus and the Germans, not me!

I continue to fail you on a daily basis. The fucking holidays and a German trade show are killing me. So in place of my usual impeccable opinions I will simply recycle something I just saw on another site. I’m not even original. Are you starting to understand why blogs suck yet?

I loved ALF when it originally aired. It had to be one of the most fucked up shows ever green-lighted for television. Anyway, here’s seven minutes of ALF outtakes featuring a foul-mouthed puppet doing cocaine and using the N-word while pretending to have Tourette syndrome. And you thought it wasn’t a good show.

15 responses so far

Aug 02 2010

Puppets!

Outerscope II creepy puppets

Buckle up because you WILL have nightmares tonight.

I don’t like puppets. I especially don’t like puppets from the 70s and 80s. OK, I guess the puppets of Sesame Street were badass (not that piece of shit Elmo) but most other puppets from that era look like fucking burn victims. Burn victims who want to lure you into their van and stick you in a secret room under their back yard. I’m amazed that the children’s programming I watched as a kid didn’t cause me to go crazy and kill my parents in their sleep.

Let’s start with a show that, sadly, I grew up watching, Gigglesnort Hotel. In this hotel, a human named B.J. is forced to live and work with a dragon named “Dirty,” a bell boy named “Weird,” a faceless hunk of clay named “Blob” and a bunch of other freakish puppets. Truth be told, it’s a pretty shitty hotel and I can’t imagine it getting more than 1.5 stars on Yelp. I would also like to mention that occasionally a bad guy shaped like a lemon would throw bad jokes out of a helicopter and cause anyone who read the jokes to become horribly deformed. But have no fear, “Weird” would become a superhero named “The Shusher” whose only power was to quietly shush people. WHAT? My parents are lucky they got out alive.

Gigglesnort Hotel

One of the best ways to make a puppet creepy is to give it human hands. I can’t figure out how old these horrible creatures from Peppermint Park are supposed to be. They look like they belong in the AARP and yet the sight of bubbles sends them into an excited frenzy. I also like that they suggest putting newspapers on the floor before blowing bubbles indoors. Huh? Is that because the excitement is going to cause you to shit your little puppet pants?

Peppermint Park

I vaguely remember Outerscope II but I think I have pushed it way way back into that dark part of my brain that tries to forget such horrible things. In this scene, Henry, who looks like a young George Costanza, falls in love with a rocking horse and fucks it in the ass while the other children read a diary entry about a dying Indian. Hurry kids, you’re going to be late for school!

Outerscope II

This clip is supposed to prevent house fires but if I saw this as a kid the first thing I would do is burn my house down to keep the demons away. This clip reminds me of this fetish.

And this brings us to the perfect storm of creepy…
Puppets + Clowns + Jesus + Hugs = Your worst childhood memory.

27 responses so far

May 11 2010

Elmo! Elmo and Sesame Street now! But mostly Elmo!

I hate Elmo

Who the fuck does this asshole think he is?

When did this red piece of shit take over Sesame Street? He strolls around the neighborhood like he’s John Gotti, forcing all other puppets to live under constant fear of being whacked.

Apparently this dick has been around since the early 70s, which is strange because I grew up on Sesame Street in the early/mid 70s and I can’t recall ever seeing his lame ass on my parent’s giant TV with sliding doors so you could make it look like “furniture” when not in use. Yeah nice piece of furniture, a giant wood box in the middle of the room. What, were people supposed to come over and gush over what a lovely wood box you had? Come on people, get your head in the game! But I digress.

The point is, I watched a hell of a lot of Sesame Street in the 70s, partially because back then we had about 5 channels to choose from, but mostly because it kicked ass. Cookie Monster was still existing exclusively on a cookie diet, not this “sometime me eat vegetables” nonsense, Mr. Hooper’s Store was the hottest place on Sesame Street to spot celebrities and motherfucking Snuffleupagus was still only seen by Big Bird God damn it! You know who I don’t remember being awesome, or even around? Elmo! I’m guessing he’s Grover’s gay cousin or something but to be honest, I don’t care to know his background.

Somehow through a series of back-alley deals and intimidation Elmo has risen through the ranks to control the Sesame Street territory. I know I should probably fear for my life for speaking so openly but enough is enough, FUCK ELMO, it’s time to take him out!

20 responses so far