It’s official, I relate to nothing. I am digging a hole in the dirt where I shall live until I die.
Have you ever written a grocery list and thought “This is just too quick and easy. There’s got to be a harder way.” You are in luck! The SmartShopper Deluxe Grocery List Organizer takes the convenience of quickly hand writing a list and turns it into an elaborate, complicated task.
With the SmartShopper, you just speak your list one item at a time into your magic list robot. After each item, simply wait 5 seconds for the robot to figure out what you have said. When the robot displays a list of the words you might have spoken, you scroll through the list and find the word you want. At this stage you can also remind yourself that you have a coupon for that item with the touch of several buttons. And just like that, after only 2 minutes you have one item on your grocery list! Pour yourself a glass of wine because your ass is going to be making that list for the next 45 minutes. It’s just that hard!
But wait, how will you remember this list while at the grocery store? Do you rip your robot off the wall and bring him? No, you big fucking idiot, all you do is hit ‘print’ and your robot will start pooping out your list in under 2 hours! Go watch a movie or paint the garage at this stage because your list robot likes to be alone as it slowly handcrafts each letter.
Hey, want to make the world implode? Just watch this clip of Rachel Ray and her audience of cackling morons have g-spot orgasms when the SmartShopper cures cancer. Oh wait, I meant to say when the SmartShopper recognizes the word “garlic.”
Watch the SmartShopper in action with a real life mom! If you need me I will be in my dirt hole.
I would give an example of what I’m talking about if I knew the name of a single current pop star. Instead I will have to describe it.
I hear these shitty songs at the gym or at stores all the time. You know the ones, they are generic, soulless “R&B” hits that sound like they are sung by C3PO. I think Kanye West did an entire album as a robot, if I’m not mistaken. I wish I was mistaken.
Not only does this studio technique sound ridiculous, but it also illustrates the utter lack of a single creative or original thought in modern popular music. But now you say in a whiny voice, “pop music is always like that, no matter what decade you are talking about,” to which I reply, “shut up, even when I’m wrong I’m probably right.” Either way, it’s fucking annoying to listen to while I’m blasting my pecs and pumping my quads. Plus, I am genuinely concerned that robots are taking over the world.
Standing still on a street corner is not a job so please stop giving these people a paycheck (AKA change in their buckets). It doesn’t matter if they are posing as a Roman statue or a silver robot, fight the urge to gawk with your tongue out at these lifeless turds. Are we really so easily amused that watching a person stand is entertainment? Entertainment that deserves payment?!?
These people are the worst human beings on the planet. I would rather have 8 more years of George Bush than see another asshole painted white just standing there seeking praise as if they actually hand-chiseled a statue. Hey out of work actor, you didn’t do shit so stop pointing to your bucket with your robot finger.
I take it back, there is one group of humans worse than these buttholes and they are the tourists who stand there staring and grinning like a dog about to go for a ride in the car. They practically orgasm when the frozen robot man decides to finally move his arm in a roboty way. They take photos and investigate closely because “dang it Brenda, don’t he look real?”
I wish I was a pigeon so I could add one more layer of realism to their little statue game.
