You just made my list!

It’s amazing that an actor trying to be cartoonishly annoying can’t even come close to being as annoying as the real Guy Fieri. Very funny though. Thanks to Ken for tipping me off to this nice piece of Guy Fieri bashing. Sadly, Guy Fieri is too fucking dumb to realize this is a joke on him. He will see this and think “Am I really THAT money?”

Boy are you about to be cheated! I bought a new iMac that’s the size of a drive-in movie screen and I have been setting it up all night. I just realized I forgot to write something for you and now your day is most likely ruined. I am truly sorry. I owe you one.

In other news… Dana Carvey sucks huge amounts of ass and has been funny approximately 2 times. I can’t tell you when those 2 times occurred, but I am assuming they must have happened.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Wow, this was some headline to start my day with this morning. How does something this insanely insensitive make it to the front page of Yahoo?

It’s so casual with its “Weekend of death and birth” announcement that it’s actually shocking. That was some CRAZY weekend huh? It’s like they are holding up Amy Poehler’s baby right in Jennifer Hudson’s face and saying “So sorry your family was murdered but look at this cute baby, don’t be such a sourpuss!” Even the photo of Hudson is an odd choice. It looks like the brutal slaying of her mother, brother and young nephew is some sort of wacky blooper that should be followed by a “BOING” sound effect.

And let’s not forget how mean this is to Amy Poehler! First of all, it makes her look like a gloating bitch even though obviously she had no control over this nonsense. Secondly, it’s a strange way to welcome her first child into the world. (Insert baby talk voice) “Hi little baby. Who’s a baby? You’re a baby, yes you are. Yes you are. Yes you are. Did you hear about Jennifer Hudson’s family getting murdered? Did you little baby? Who heard about the murder? Who heard about the murder? Who’s a little baby? Yes you are!”

Idiots.

Let me get this out of the way first… There have been a few, a precious few, Digital Shorts on Saturday Night Live that I liked. However, the running theme in most of the Digital Shorts I actually enjoy is a lack of Andy Samberg’s face. Sure, “Dick in a Box” and “Lazy Sunday” were OK the first 100 times I saw them online but it’s no monkey drinking his own pee. Now THAT’S a classic!

Did you happen to see Andy’s latest masterpiece, aired on 9/13/08, “Space Olympics?” It’s textbook Samberg. The short features all of his favorite comedy tools; generically 80’s song, purposely mundane lyrics, purposely cheesy graphics, severe camera mugging and the sweet sweet odor of desperation. This constant desire to create the next “Lazy Sunday” viral video hit has to be the only reason Lorne Michaels keeps this fuzzy turd on the show.

Other than his weekly Digital Shits (zing), Andy Samberg can be seen in the background of most skits delivering hilarious lines like “Hi, how can I help you” or “Hi, can I get you something to drink” and “Hi, you have a lovely house.” Seems to me his only role on SNL is to facilitate the other performers who actually have something to do in the scene. Try this drinking game, every time Andy Samberg delivers a funny line in a skit take a drink. Sadly this will not get you drunk.

P.S. Did anyone else notice ultra-douche Guy Fieri was in the front row of last night’s show? I did, so I pressed my ass against the TV screen. I showed you Guy!

Watch this and try to convince me that it’s funny.