Why can’t douchebags drink beer from a normal bottle? They just aren’t happy unless they are drinking their watery piss out of a plastic bottle, a metal bottle, a wide-mouth bottle, a bottle shaped like a bowling pin,* or a bottle shaped like Mike Ditka’s cock.
If only there was a way to suck down this shitty beer slightly faster. Introducing the “Vortex” bottle from the makers of your favorite diaper juice, Miller Lite. Apparently this NASA-designed bottle creates an internal tornado of beer blah blah blah that speeds up your drinking schedule, allowing for more rounds of Golden Tee and moderately gay horseplay with your bros. Seems like maybe they are admitting their “beer” tastes like water sitting in an old tire and the best way to get though the experience of drinking it is to get it over with quick, just like when your mom used to ram a spoonful of cough syrup down your throat.
You are probably wondering if this new technology actually works. Well, you are in luck! In the following clip, four of the smartest scientists on Earth gather to test the Vortex at the world famous Horseshoe Lounge labs in Geneva Switzerland. It might be difficult to follow everything they are saying but don’t feel bad, they are processing thought at an elevated level that you and I could never comprehend. These people are as smart as computers! It happens off camera but I think I recognize the voice of Korean Physicist Kim Ung-yong declaring, “The Vortex bottle is full of shit.”
*The Budweiser bowling pin bottle is actually the greatest thing to happen to beer. Too bad it was filled with Budweiser.
I’m back from my little Thanksgiving break and ready to complain!
I hate the International Space Station. I don’t understand why we need it and I don’t want my tax dollars paying for it. Do my tax dollars pay for it? I don’t know, probably. If not, I still hate it and want the sun to melt it.
I love all space exploration and soak up anything that has to do with the space race in the 60’s. I understand why we wanted to go to the moon and I appreciate all of the technological advancements that came from conquering space and landing on the moon. I wish more than anything that I could have witnessed the first moon landing. As much as I love science and space exploration I think it might be time to go ahead and hit the pause button for a while. What is the point of pumping billions of dollars into the International Space Station when we have more than a few crises to deal with here on planet Earth?
Perhaps I am missing something and this rinky dink floating double-wide trailer is going to solve global warming or stop space aliens from probing our butts but is it? I have never heard anything that would indicate that. It seems to me that this space station is like a tree house for various space programs around the world. It’s fun to build and have sleepovers in but other than that it serves no real purpose.
It certainly doesn’t help me fall in love with the project when A) they start letting crap float away and B) when that crap costs $100,000. I will never be convinced the tools in that bag were worth $100,000. Here’s an idea, give ME $100,000 and I will go to Home Depot and put together a super kick ass set of tools for NASA and for my trouble I will keep the change.
Why is it that every couple years some science program on TV has to remind me that my body is covered in harmless microscopic mites? Do I really need to know my god damn eyebrows are teeming with tiny jerks eating my dead skin cells? Stop it already, enough! Oh, and don’t forget your bed sheets and pillows are covered too!
I have to go barf. I’m sure there are mites in that too.
