You just made my list!

You see this shit?

This is an actual photo of the asshole sky that hung over my head all day today in Chicago. What’s the big deal, every place on Earth has gray (is it gray or grey) days, cheer up little fella. Right? Fuck you, you weather-know-it-all-jerk because this is the sky I have seen for the last 2 weeks and will continue to see for the next 5 months. If it were legal I would pay someone to keep me in a controlled coma for the next 5 months.

If the dark skies don’t convince you to drop a toaster in the bath the unholy wind blasting through your soul like dentist drill will. I am not exaggerating when I say that the winter wind in Chicago has made me cry… as an adult.

But then big beautiful snowflakes the size of cotton balls gently wiggle their way down from the inky night sky and every tree branch looks like it has been covered in whipped cream and mayonnaise by Paula Dean. The snow absorbs all the usual city noise and it sounds like you are hiding under a blanket. Charming. WRONG because the next day you wake up to your street littered with folding chairs and miscellaneous garbage placed by your fucking, dipshit, asshole, white trash, cocksucker, fuckwad, idiotic, selfish neighbors who believe they can save “their” parking spot for THE ENTIRE WINTER. This might honestly be the thing I despise most in life.

Fuck you winter.

One of the perks of living in Chicago is our shitty weather. I would estimate that we get about 4 nice days a year. Spring lasts about 15 minutes. Summer is so hot and humid that it regularly kills the elderly. Our fall is basically the 2-hour period between 90-degree heat and 30-degree bullshit. Accordingly, it’s already freezing and snowy here, with a “major” snow storm on the way. Now is the time for all the old-school Chicagoans to start saving public street parking spots with chairs and piles of garbage. It’s a wonder Chicago came in dead last for the 2016 Olympics!

What was I talking about? I should be able to look up at the top of my screen to see my post title, but this new iMac monitor is so fucking huge I have to climb one of those library ladders to see the top of the screen. Boy I’m cranky today!

ANYWAY… I had to break out the giant winter coat today and I’m already suicidal about it. Sure, I could continue wearing my smaller, more aesthetically pleasing coat if I want to freeze my balls off, but I need my balls if I’m ever going to fulfill my dream of putting them on Guy Fieri’s face. So my only option is to wear one of those giant coats with a furry hood and 300 pockets. You know the style, rappers like wear them in the middle of summer. Sure, it’s a warm coat, but climbing into a car while wearing it is like trying to stuff yourself back into your mother’s vagina. Cramming your puffy ass into the car only causes your coat to twist, fold and seemingly grow 5 sizes, so getting the seat belt on is impossible, but no worries, you are literally wearing the equivalent of 8 airbags.

To sum it up… why do I bother getting out of bed?

For those of you who are smart enough to live in a place without winter, look at the fun you are missing! I took this photo out of my front windshield yesterday. Looks a little bit like trying to drive on the surface of the sun doesn’t it?

You see, when it’s really cold the sky often becomes very clear making the sun brighter than you might be used to. Add in white snow everywhere, white salt stains and wet icy roads and guess what pal, you’re fucking blind! The icing on the shitty cake is that your windshield is perpetually dusted with salt and dried slush so when the sun hits it it’s like trying to see through a white bed sheet.

GOD I LOVE WINTER! I hope it never ends!

Hey guess what happens EVERY winter in Chicago… IT SNOWS!

Keeping this bit of trivia in mind, why does the local news act as if the sky is raining shards of glass and infected hypodermic needles every time a little snow is on the way? Fine, tell me a storm is on the way but do it like this… “Tonight in weather news, some snow is on the way, probably about 5 inches. You know what to do, so let’s leave it at that. On to other news about real things…”

All it takes is a little snow making its way towards our city and the news people start ejaculating all over each other. They will literally use up half of the news to discuss it. They might as well just run the same footage for each storm because year after year, storm after storm, it is always the same.

Here’s a handy how-to guide for creating your own TV snow report:

1) Go to the airport and talk to people in line whose flight has been canceled. Film some people sleeping on chairs and a family in Hawaiian shirts looking concerned. Roll some footage of the departure screen filled with the word “canceled,” that seems to get people worked up!

2) Show the Streets and Sanitation commissioner at a podium explaining that they will first plow and salt the main roads and then the side streets.

3) Interview a fat guy with a Ditka mustache who drives a snow plow. He will say something like “Looks like we will be workin’ true da night ta clear dees streets, whatever it takes.”

4) Cut to a hardware store and explain that a snow shovel can be used to move snow.

5) Interview people on the street about snow. They won’t have much to say but you can see their breath! Extra points if you can find a guy from Africa who has never seen snow before.

6) Footage of people getting blown over by the wind. Impactful and induces fear of wind, NICE!

7) Cut back to the weather guy (with visible erection) and refer to his desk as “Storm Center 3000”.

Repeat each time it snows.