Nov 04 2009
First, I’m fucking SICK! It feels like someone forced Guy Fieri’s bloated corpse into my lungs. Every breath is torture.
Secondly, did you ever want to know what I look like? Well I just about shit my pants when I stumbled across the painting above because I’ll be God damned if that isn’t me being comforted by the J-man! Seriously, it looks just like me. Should I be worried?
I’ll try to write something real tomorrow.
Oct 28 2009
What do you do if your child is afraid to go to the doctor for a flu shot? Obviously your only option is to allow a doctor to sneak into their room while they sleep and stab them with a needle. Sure, they will never know the joy of a good night’s sleep ever again after you make their nightmares a reality, and they will most likely attempt to bury the dark memory of waking to a strange doctor in their bedroom jabbing them with a needle by getting deep into medical fetish sex as an adult, but hey… NO FLU!
This actually exists! On Earth! For less than $100 you can betray the trust of your sleeping child in his or her own bed. You think your kid was scared of the dark before? Just wait until he wakes up to find a creepy old man hunched over him with a hypodermic needle. You will be cleaning poop out of those Elmo jammies for months.
Why stop with flu shots? Hire the Shamwow guy to sneak in at night and yell math equations in your kid’s face. Maybe little Timmy will be quarterback one day if you start chucking footballs at him while he sleeps.
Middle of the night flu shot by The Shot Fairy… $80.
Turning your child in to a serial killer at age 5… Priceless.
Apr 28 2009
Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? Now I have to worry about this shit?
I was just in Mexico! Do I feel feverish? I can’t tell. Shit I think I have swine flu! Is uncontrollable snorting and an overwhelming desire to roll around in my own poop a symptom?
How did this crap start? Did swine flu start with some drunk sorority girl who was convinced by the good people at Girls Gone Wild to make out with a pig while on spring break in Mexico? I imagine it would have started slow like, “Hey Madison, just show us one nipple for a couple seconds and we will give you this highly valuable T-shirt! You want a T-shirt don’t you? You want to be cool, right?” Next thing you know, Madison has a face full of hog ass and the rest of the world is walking around in blue surgical masks.
God, what’s wrong with me? This post is a little over-the-top don’t you think? Shit, is that a symptom of swine flu, overly aggressive and offensive blogging? I need to go lie down.
