You just made my list!

I honestly don’t even know who or what this is. What am I even looking at here?

Here’s what I do know about this guy… they call him Cojo. That about sums it up. I didn’t even know his real name was Steven Cojocaru until I googled “cojo.”

It’s hard for me to learn more about this nightmare because he’s never on my TV for more than a second before I dive for the remote. If the remote is unavailable I throw a hammer at the screen (yes, I always have a hammer nearby). He honestly scares the shit out of me. He’s like that girl who walks all herky-jerky and backwards in “The Ring.”

I am going to go sit in the shower and cry now.

Please forgive me for keeping this one short and sweet but I can only focus my attention on this woman for so long before my heart rate drops and my eyes close. If not careful, I will soon be sleeping right here in my chair just waiting for the inevitable startling crash of my face slamming against the keyboard.

Jillian Barberie is annoying! Don’t try and tell me about her hot body either because it is permanently attached to that obnoxious personality of hers. I just can’t stand loud women who babble on and on about nothing. It’s true that I also don’t like this trait in men but when it comes from a woman it goes straight to my sack. I also hate girls who can’t shut up about how much they “love sports.” Fine, love sports but stop yelling at me about it. Can you just stop yelling in general, my sack is killing me.

While we’re at it can we put an end to “Good Day LA?” What kind of a person can actually sit through that shit? Dick Cheney should use it as torture. God that guy loves him some torture doesn’t he? I would love to lock Dick Cheney in a room with Jillian Barberie Reynolds for 30 minutes because you know one of those douchebags is not making it out alive.

Here, see if you can make it all the way through this
(men, hold on to your sacks)

Yes, I am one of those annoying people who can’t stop saying “how much better the original British version of ‘The Office’ is.” That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the American version of The Office, I just don’t like it as much. I really love most of the peripheral characters like Creed, Andy, Kelly, Meredith and it’s hard to dislike Rainn Wilson as Dwight, however I find the main characters to be much less interesting and I can barely stomach Steve Carell’s performance as Michael Scott.

Blah blah blah, who cares about my opinion of every single character on The Office? Well it’s my blog (God, I hate the word blog) so you will have to suffer through. ANYWAY, what do I hate most about the American version? The god damn “Jim look” that is shot my way every 30 seconds! WE GET IT, Jim is the only sane person in the office and he knows everyone is crazy and he’s normal and all his coworkers are idiots. You know what, I can figure that out without such a blatant “aw shucks” reminder.

Should I care about something so insignificant as the world crumbles around us? YES YES YES! I have to care, it must happen! Every time Jim turns his head, looks directly at me and scrunches up his face as if to say, “gee whiz my coworker are dumb” I am forced to turn to the imaginary camera in my living room, scrunch up my face as if to say, “gee whiz I’m fucking sick of that guy’s ‘gee whiz’ face.”

I know there are people who love the “Jim look” but the difference between them and me is that I am right and they are wrong. Bow before my superior opinions!

This is dumb.

In case you care, here’s a photo of Jenna Fischer’s ass. You’re welcome.

Dear God, I know you are busy with touchdowns and handing out Grammys but if you could just set aside a couple minutes for me and sayeth that I may kick this fucking asshole in the empty space between his legs I would REALLY appreciate it. Just one good kick square in his fluffy vagina is all I’m asking for. Amen.

Mega-turd John Edward literally makes my skin crawl. The sound of his voice and the sight of his face makes me want to take a Silkwood shower until my skin is raw and bleeding.

Why do I hate this fucker so much? He makes money off people when they are at their weakest. People who may be misguided in their desire to speak to their dead uncle Charlie but innocent nonetheless. You might even think I would want to add these gullible rubes to my list but I actually don’t think they are rubes at all. For the most part, they are simply people who have a gaping hole left by a deceased loved one and John Edward can’t wait to start fucking that hole.

If you believe this grease ball can actually talk to the dead I must request that you slap yourself in the face. It is well documented that this jerk and all other jerks like him use simple techniques like planting people in the audience to listen for details or using microphones before the show to do the same. They also use the cheap sideshow trick of cold reading where they simply wait for the audience member to give up information voluntarily and build on those details.

If you STILL believe in this bullshit answer this for me, if these people can actually communicate with the dead why do they always start by saying “I’m getting an R or maybe a B, it could be an F, an F or an R, is there anyone with a connection to the letter R or B or G or F or N or Q or R, maybe it’s a P?” Some poor person will finally say “My aunt’s name starts with a P.” This is when the bullshit becomes painfully transparent because suddenly this “ghost” who seconds earlier could barely communicate the first letter of his or her name asks the “psychic” to tell the relative how much they love them and all about the cool stuff they have been doing in heaven. John Edward asks us to honestly believe a spirit ALWAYS starts a conversation with him like this “ooooooohhh… Jooooohn… R… John… R… R… I said R John… not P… R… R you fucking idiot… I’m saying R you asshole… it’s only one letter you dick… my name starts with R… I will tell you the rest later but for now let’s just start with R.”

Fuck you John Edward and all other charlatan douchebags who prey on people at such a fragile time. You disgust me. Oh yeah, and fuck that dog psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick too!

What’s the word I’m looking for… Oh yeah CUNT!

When I sit my ass on the couch after a hard day of “work” there is nothing I want to see more than other people working. I like to sit back with a beer and watch people hand out parking tickets or drive trucks on ice all fucking night long!

OK, I sort of like Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” and I understand why it’s a popular show. Who doesn’t love a boat full of chain-smoking, manly men doing the same thing every episode for 5 years? BUT, do we really need every profession on the planet documented?

Here’s a list of the shows I am aware of that follow Joe worker guy around as he gets his hands dirty; Deadliest Catch, Lobstermen, Ice Road Truckers, The Verminators, Ax Men, Wrecked and my favorite waste of video tape – Parking Wars.

I guess it’s kind of cool that there is a highway made out of ice but in the time it took me to type this sentence I have already lost interest. I mean, people walking around issuing PARKING TICKETS is (was) an actual show on real TV! People went to work on this show every day and some poor guy had to edit footage of meter maids walking around Philadelphia talking about PARKING!

OH MY GOD, I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE!

Let’s not forget that a majority of these shows are broadcast on channels with grandiose names like “Arts and Entertainment” and “The Discovery Channel.”

We are dumb.