You just made my list!

You squeeze. You smash. You stomp. You use a hammer, but still you can’t manage the simple task of applying toothpaste to your brush!

There has got to be a less-reasonable way!

Your pathetic dumb ass is in luck. Introducing Touch-N-Brush, the magic toothpaste machine that does all the work while you do nothing more complicated than sticking something into something. It’s so easy even an idiot like you can get the hang of it after only 30 or 40 tries.

Thanks to your new toothpaste robot, you will never have to clean the bathroom again! Sticky bathroom sinks are a thing of the past, unless you have a teenage son, because I promise you that kid is jerking off in that sink at least twice a week. Probably the kitchen sink too. What is wrong with that kid?

Did your husband throw you down the stairs for walking in front of the TV during Monday Night Football? No problem pretty lady, you can still use Touch-N-Brush with only one arm. One fucking arm! Can you fucking believe that shit?

Are your kids also too stupid to operate toothpaste? Fuck ’em, who cares about those little shits. If it wasn’t for them you would probably be the world’s most awesome and cool and most richest rock star. Those kids stole your dream, Steve, so let their little mouths bleed.

“But what if I accidentally put rat poison in my Touch-N-Brush, will the dang thing kill me and my family?” Yes, yes it will.

I actually kind of feel sorry for the poor idiot whose job it is to “invent” new toothbrushes. Some guy who got a Masters in engineering and dreamed that one day he would change the world while working with an elite team of scientists in a C.S.I. style lab in Switzerland is in reality hopping in his PT Cruiser every morning to work in a basement lab in Dayton to “reinvent” the toothbrush every 6 months. This poor son of a bitch comes home every night to cold leftover Olive Garden, a wife dressed head to toe in bedazzled denim and a son who may or may not be worshipping the devil. He works 10 hours a day under buzzing fluorescent lights just to rearrange some bristles on an invention that was pretty much figured out in the 1800s. I mean, it’s a fucking brush. God, I just want to give this guy a hug!

I can’t even find a normal toothbrush at the pharmacy any more. I just want the classic colorful plastic handle with clear, straight bristles but all of the brushes on the market look more like sex toys than something you want to stick on your mouth.

The first person who can tell me where to buy/order the classic toothbrush will win this Jesus Puzzle.