You just made my list!

So I was thinking, maybe I should do a douchebag-of-the-year award kind of thing but there were too many assholes to pick from. My brain started to boil over while mentally running down the list of potential "winners" and I had a small rage-induced stroke. After recovering I decided that this little idea of mine was too difficult and felt like actual work so I sent it back to hell. While trying to narrow down all the wonderful D-bags of 2008 I realized people from the Food Network kept popping up. So somehow the idea turned into this handy guide to the douchebags and non-douchebags of the Food Network. *Quick note: If anyone comments that I am "jealous" of any of these people I will hunt you down and pee in your mouth. OK, here's the list in order of shittiest to least crappy. #1 GUY FIERI (tie) SUPER ULTRA TOOL Oh Guy, sweet sweet Guy. This is your 3rd appearance on my list, congratulations you big fucking turd! I hate you and your 1950's via 1992 Swingers clothes and if I hear you describe a sandwich as "money" one more time fire will shoot from my ears. The sight of your fat, sweaty face is about as appetizing as watching a homeless person puke on a pile of dog shit. #1 DUFF GOLDMAN (tie) MEGA COCK HOLE Duff and his whole staff of wannabe cool kids bug the living shit out of me. NERDS! You can throw devil horns in the air all you want and grow a little pussy beard but you will never hide the fact that you are a dork. By the way, when I say "pussy beard" I mean it literally looks the pubic hair of a girl in Penthouse. The best part about this jerk is that his cakes AREN'T EVEN CAKE! He makes his "cakes" out of rice krispies, wood, metal and rope. Delicious! "Blow out your candles Bobby but DON'T eat the cake, I repeat do not try and eat your cake, you will die!" #2 EMERIL LAGASSE FAT, LOUD TURD This guy is shit from head to toe. Why is it that the quickest way to the general public's heart is to trim your identity down to one simple concept? Larry The Cable Guy has his "git 'er done" and Emeril has his trademark "BAM" to fire up his audience of drooling underachievers. He's a crappy chef and an even crappier piece of crap. #3 RACHAEL RAY LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD Welcome back to the list Rachael! You still suck and you're still loud and abrasive like a chainsaw ripping through a chain link fence. Is she married? I can not imagine a worse fate than marrying that mouth of hers. She is exactly the kind of woman I could never date. Even if she was super hot, which she is not, I would not be able to take that voice and the incessant cutesy "EVOO" "yummers" bullshit. #4 PAULA DEEN LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD If you put me in a room with Rachael Ray and Paula Deen I guarantee I could claw my way through brick and steel to escape. Boy do I hate "aw shucks" down-home country charm. She's the Forrest Gump of the Food Network. I bet she fucking LOVED Sarah Palin and her folksy stupidity. #5 BOBBY FLAY ASS This guy thinks he's the Fonzie of the Food Network. Why is he always "throwing down" and challenging people? We get it, you're a street smart kid who grew up on the mean streets of New York. Can't he let some guy in South Carolina be the best at making chili? Does he have to blow into town with the intention of taking everyone down a notch? Sit on it Flay! #6 ALTON BROWN BORDERLINE DOUCHEBAG Eh, I guess Alton Brown is OK for the most part but he does have a pinch of doucheiness don't you think? He's a little perky for my taste and I get the impression he thinks he's cool. Not so much, Alton. He's right in the middle between sucking and being awesome because he is extremely knowledgeable and owns a motorcycle. #7 TYLER FLORENCE SEEMS OK TO ME I don't know, he seems nice enough, right? He's not very annoying and that's probably why the Food Netowrk has only given him one show. Come on Tyler, turn the annoying knob to 11 and you might get 2 or 3 more shows. Try yelling more! #8 MARIO BATLI FULL OF HIMSELF BUT STILL AWESOME Yeah, Mario thinks he's the shit and he likes to brag about the celebrities he hangs with but his amazing talent trumps all of that. "Molto Mario" is one of the all-time great programs on the Food Network. This guy knows his shit and it's fascinating to listen to him discuss Italian cuisine. I've eaten at one of his restaurants and it was awesome. Suck it Emeril! #9 JAMIE OLIVER AWESOME I used to HATE Jamie Oliver but I can't remember why exactly. I do remember when I started liking him though. There was a reality show that chronicled his opening of a restaurant that was to be completely staffed by troubled kids from the wrong side of the tracks. This was no bullshit show, these kids were "bad" and although they constantly screwed Jamie over he never gave up on them. It was honestly inspiring and made me love the guy. Sorry for having feelings! #10 GIADA DE LAURENTIIS BOOBS! Sorry girls, it's just the way things go. Sure Giada is pretty annoying but Jesus Christ does she know how to dress and flash that cleavage! She seems like a good chef but I am usually too hypnotized by the boobs to notice. OK, her head is huge (physically) and she's overly enthusiastic but she's hot and loves to show off that kissing cleavage. That alone is enough to make her the most awesome Food Network chef. Sorry, It's my fucking list! This was torture. I am never putting this much work into this blog again.

Geez God, what the hell? Did you have to kill Eartha Kitt on Christmas? Is it because she sang about your arch-rival Santa Claus in the amazing "Santa Baby"? Man, take a day off from all the killing and enjoy your son's birthday. Eartha Kitt was my favorite Catwoman, hands down and "Santa Baby" is in my top 10 Christmas songs of all time. Eartha Kitt was awesome. She passed away from colon cancer in her Connecticut home at age 81.

If there's a war on Christmas why do I start seeing Christmas related shit in stores around September 1st? You can't avoid Christmas in this country, it's shoved up your Santa hole every two seconds. The "war on Christmas" is just so silly. Guess what Bill and Toby, there are millions of non-Christians in America and if they would rather say "happy holidays" then who cares? Go change each other's poopy diapers you big babies. So to all my readers, I would like to wish you a safe and happy HOLIDAY. To Bill O'Reilly and his girlfriend Toby Keith, Merry Fucking Christmas you turds!

You know, every night after a long day of "work" I bust my hump to write some barely interesting shitty post for this crap blog of mine. Occasionally I will reread older posts and think "eh, that was sort of funny" but then two separate people in the last few days sent me a link to this blog called Fuck You Penguin and now I'm ready to quit. I suck. It makes me so mad when people are better than me. This blog is not just a little better than mine, it's WAY better. I give all of you permission to switch your allegiance to FYP. If I were you I'd rather read it, it's better than this piece of fart soaked poo. I don't even like blogs.

Please make it stop. I beg you to wake me from this nightmare and tell me I have been in a coma for 5 years. In a gentle, caring voice explain to me that while in my coma my brain invented an entire universe that does not actually exist. Put your hand on the side of my face and tell me this Ashton Kutcher monster existed only in my hang-gliding-accident-coma-mind and I am free now. Tell me I am free to live in a world without Ashton Kutcher. Is that you ma? I'm back ma, your little baby boy is alive!

Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that's right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I've said it before and I'll say it now, fuck off. What happened to people doing things simply because it's the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don't really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it. My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn't seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me. School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in. Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don't care if it's grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.

OK listen up, it's SUPPOSEDLY not SUPPOSABLY! Got it? I used to work with someone who ALWAYS said "supposably" and it made me insane. I would purposely use the word "supposedly" around her all the time and would clearly pronounce every syllable hoping she would one day beg for forgiveness. I would say things like "I'm going to lunch now. SUPP-OS-ED-LY the ham and cheese is on sale at Arby's. SUPP-OS-ED-LY Arby's stands for 'America's Roast Beef, Yes Sir' did you know that? OK, SUPP-OS-ED-LY. Bye, SUPP-OS-ED-LY. SUPP-OS-ED-LY" My hidden grammar lessons fell on deaf ears because before long she would be jamming that disgusting "supposably" back in my face.

Here's the scene... you are in line at the supermarket with someone making a purchase. You are close enough to the front of the line to read all about Jenifer Aniston's broken heart when all of a sudden your shopping partner says "oh wait, I will be right back I need to grab something" and they disappear into the ether. What? I immediately start to panic. What if they don't make it back in time? I'm already in the belly of the beast, I'm past the magazine perimeter! I'm in the CANDY ZONE! Am I going to have to remove everything from the conveyor belt? Fuck! Why would anyone do this to me? Sure, they always casually show up just in time and everything works out but what the hell, I almost had a heart attack. I'm not kidding, I HATE being left in line alone!