You just made my list!

Let's see if I can get through this without finally having a hate-fueled heart attack. Guess who just spent half a million dollars on a vacation? You don't know? You should because if you are an American tax payer you picked up the tab. Less than one week after the federal government forked over $85 billion to bail out AIG, executives of AIG headed for a week-long retreat at a luxury resort and spa, the St. Regis Resort in Monarch Beach, California. Looks nice huh? I wish I could take a week off and relax with a massage and a leisurely dip in the pool but I'm too busy paying for AIG CEO Robert Willumstad's vacation. I paid for Robert Willumstad's vacation and all I got was his lousy dick up my ass! How much is enough? I can not relate to this level of greed. While the rest of the country starves these guys have the nerve to ask for our food and then spit it back in our faces. Pure evil. ABC News Washington Post

Why is John McCain calling me his friend? I'm not your friend. You never once sent me a birthday card or even called. YOU COULD HAVE CALLED, my friend! More importantly, who is the attractive young lady in this photo?  I hope she's not like 15 years old. If you know her feel free to send me her email address. Thanks my friend!

After spending less than 3 minutes on the American Apparel website I am ready to go on a killing spree. I hate EVERYTHING about American Apparel! Where do I even fucking start? Let's start with their clothing. Sure, these guys make a good basic T-shirt but does anyone really need a shiny gold body suit? These assholes aren't embarrassed to sell fanny packs and apparently ironic hipsters aren't embarrassed to buy them. The fact that American Apparel can actually make hipster jerks buy fanny packs is pretty much all you need to know about how ridiculous American Apparel and hipsters are. I bet American Apparel could get hipsters to wear adult diapers. If I see diapers on their website I'm fucking suing. The most obvious thing to hate about American Apparel is their cheap, snuff film style photography. I find it a little distracting when I'm staring at some dirty scumbag's pubes or a girl who looks like she was just pulled into a van and will never see her family again. In fact, just now when I went to their website this is what I was greeted with (fair warning, nudity). I am not offended by nudity but I am offended by this obvious attempt to look edgy or cool or whatever the hell they think they are. Who wants to buy clothes from a company whose website looks like an underground, teenage prostitution catalog? Their founder, Dov Charney, is a supreme douchebag who famously couldn't help but masturbate several times in front of a female 'Jane Magazine' writer during an interview. This king of the turds also has countless sexual harassment lawsuits against him, what a shocker! I have to go vomit into my fanny pack.

It is such a simple concept. When you are in a left turn lane and the light is green, pull your stupid car into the intersection so you AND the car behind you can turn left when the light turns red. I feel comfortable saying that people who refuse to do this are the worst people in the world. They are monsters. They are worse than child molesters. They are essentially terrorists who terrorize our nation by giving awesome drivers like me small rage-induced strokes several times a day. It's pointless to give these turds a friendly honk because it will only confuse their already overworked brains. All you can do is make sad, pleading faces and mouth the word "PLEASE" in hopes they will look in their rear view mirror and realize what a horrible person they are. If you are one of these people please slap yourself and leave a written apology in the comments. Thank you.

I was going to apologize for writing about Sarah Palin two days in a row but fuck that, she is a joke and her inexperience and utter lack of necessary knowledge is down right dangerous. I will do my best to keep this short. I cannot stand her condescending "aw shucks, you betcha" crap. Once again, I don't want Joe Six Pack, as she calls herself, in the fucking white house. Joe fucking Six Pack just spent 8 years doing keg stands and playing beer pong in the White House and look where it got us. I want "Joe Knows What The Fuck He or She is Doing" in the white house and Sarah Palin is far from that person. Did you see the Vice Presidential debate? She STILL refuses to answer a single question. Then she has the moose-sized balls to blame the "mainstream media" for making her look dumb. You know what lady, go back to your tanning bed and stop wasting our time with your nonsense. This is no joke Sarah. This is not one of your frivolous beauty pageants. America has suffered enough under Joe Six Pack Bush.

Please forgive me for keeping this one short and sweet but I can only focus my attention on this woman for so long before my heart rate drops and my eyes close. If not careful, I will soon be sleeping right here in my chair just waiting for the inevitable startling crash of my face slamming against the keyboard. Jillian Barberie is annoying! Don't try and tell me about her hot body either because it is permanently attached to that obnoxious personality of hers. I just can't stand loud women who babble on and on about nothing. It's true that I also don't like this trait in men but when it comes from a woman it goes straight to my sack. I also hate girls who can't shut up about how much they "love sports." Fine, love sports but stop yelling at me about it. Can you just stop yelling in general, my sack is killing me. While we're at it can we put an end to "Good Day LA?" What kind of a person can actually sit through that shit? Dick Cheney should use it as torture. God that guy loves him some torture doesn't he? I would love to lock Dick Cheney in a room with Jillian Barberie Reynolds for 30 minutes because you know one of those douchebags is not making it out alive. Here, see if you can make it all the way through this (men, hold on to your sacks)

Maybe, MAYBE, if you are a girl under the age of 23 it's forgivable for you to drink from one of these colorful dildos but come on guys, how could walking around like a toddler drinking out of a supersoaker possibly attract the opposite sex? Call me crazy but I like to drink my beer out of a bottle not through a straw from a football. Gentlemen, please take a moment to think about some famous manly men. Now, try to imagine these men - Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, John Wayne, Sean Connery, the Marlboro Man - enjoying a fluorescent drink from a plastic Seattle Space Needle. Sinatra famously wouldn't even sit down while wearing a tuxedo in an effort to keep his pants looking good and all I'm asking from you is to put your little toy down and drink like an adult. And while you're at it, stop sweating so much. Why are you always sweating?

Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don't want some jackass saying "you're only sticking up for the guy because you're totally gay too." Here's the deal, if you want to make fun of Clay Aiken because he looks like a thumb in a wig then I am right there with you. If you want to say his fans, the "Claymaniacs," and the 15 cats they each own are possibly the saddest bunch of losers on the planet then yes, let's take our shirts off and pour beer all over each other! OK, that sounded a little gay. BUT who gives a shit about his sexuality? If it makes you feel better that you cracked the case and "just knew" Clay Aiken was gay ever since the first time you saw him on American Idol then you may be more pathetic than the Claymaniacs. Guess what, everyone knew he was gay.* *not the Claymaniacs I never really thought twice about this turd until I saw him interviewed on Good Morning America by Diane Sawyer. This woman acted like getting Clay Aiken to admit to being gay was going to prevent a terrorist attack. She was practically waterboarding the kid. Sawyer simply refused to drop it and finally a visibly frustrated Aiken said something like, "why do you care so much, it really is nobody's business." I was sitting there thinking to myself "FUCK, now I have to like Clay Aiken." DAMN IT! He was absolutely right though, what business is it of hers or anyone else? He probably should have also asked her, "Why the hell are you even interviewing me, you know I'm Clay Aiken right?" I fully support those who decide to come out of the closet but I also don't think it's anyone's business if a person chooses not to. Who cares? There are more important things to care about like what possesses a women to get a fucking Rachael Ray Tattoo?