You just made my list!

Lucky you, today you get to hear me complain about two things that suck.

1) The Apple store!

Let me first say that I love Apple products. However, I’m not a blind “fanboy,” rather I love Macs because they FUCKING WORK and as a graphic designer there is no substitute. Unfortunately I have had to spend a lot of time in the Apple store this week due to the cockless anus face who stole my computer. Have you been in an Apple store recently? They are bucking the system by eliminating any form of check out counter. Instead, each hip t-shirt-wearing employee has the ability to complete your purchase right there where they are standing in their skinny jeans. This may look cool, but it means the end of waiting in a orderly line to be served. The only way, literally, to be served in an Apple store is to stand in the middle of the floor with a confused look, like a sad puppy begging for a Snausage. It makes you feel like a whore standing on a street corner trying to out-whore the other whores.

2) Threadless iPhone cases!

If you have any doubt as to why I FUCKING HATE Threadless, please watch this video and it will all be clear. These fucking assholes at Griffin Technology and Threadless are acting like they cured cancer when they accidentally mixed their cure for A.I.D.S. with their cure for multiple sclerosis. Mark McGlon (never has a last name so perfectly described a lumpy tub of crap) practically has tears in his fat eyes as he describes the printing of doodles on plastic iPhone cases as “brilliant.” Brilliant? BRILLIANT?!? And if you ever wanted to see inside the empty mind of a Threadless design winner (and Threadless employee… hmmmmm), please watch douchebag hipster nerd Joe Van Wetering describe the BRILLIANT design process behind his doodles. Please get your gentle voice and Hitler hair out of my dreams and into my car, where I will drive you to a warehouse and force you to makeout with a girl.

I quit. I will never try to do anything again.

I found out last week, thanks to a hard-hitting article on Yahoo, that apples are bad for me. Yeah, that’s right, fucking APPLES are going to kill me. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Apparently apples are covered in pesticides and washing them does next to nothing to remedy that little problem. The pesticides are designed to stick to the fruit in the rain, so you have to either peel your apple or wash it in some hippie fruit cleaner to make it safe to eat. Fuck that, I’m going to fill my fat face hole with pork rinds until I die.

Why do any of us bother to do anything? You just can’t win in a world where apples are bad for you and Wild Hogs is a successful movie. Guy Fieri walks the earth with his God damn sunglasses on the back of his fat neck but John Lennon is dead? We live in a world where apples will poison you and the Kardashians are rich and famous!

I’m going to kill myself. I’ll start by eating some apples.

Red Delicious? More Like Red NOT Delicious! OH SNAP!!!

Let me tell you something Mr. Red Delicious, you fucking suck. You suck ass and you suck balls. You might LOOK delicious, but you taste like disappointment. You taste like unfulfilled dreams.

You sit there acting like your shit don’t stink when the reality is that, not only does your shit stink, your crappy apple meat stinks too. Sure, you have that textbook “apple” look but who gives a shit, Carrot Top looks funny but it doesn’t make him funny.

You could really learn a thing or two from the Honeycrisp apple. If it wasn’t for this incredible apple variety I would put ALL apples on my list!

Honeycrisp = Public Enemy’s “Night of the Living Baseheads”
Red Delicious = The Super Bowl Shuffle

Just when I thought I could not hate Chris Martin and his sorry-excuse-for-Radiohead band Coldplay more, they start dressing like The Police circa Synchronicity. Do these buttholes ever have a single original idea?

Where do you start with this tool? How about his crap band? Coldplay is about as interesting as a blank piece of paper. Chris Martin can write all the shit he wants all over his arms and hands (stolen from Eddie Vedder) but that won’t change the fact that his songs are blander than white noise.

Gwyneth Paltrow can suck it too. How do you like this one… they even stole their daughter’s name, Apple, from Coldplay’s agent who already had a child named Apple. This asshole can’t even name his own baby! Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have got to be the two least interesting people on the planet and together they become one super boring blob of shit that bores you to death.

Oh, by the way, don’t make the mistake of asking this jerk about his music or he’ll teach you a lesson. How dare this BBC interviewer ask him about his music? I mean come on dude, you have one of the most important human beings that has ever lived sitting in your studio and you choose to ask him ABOUT HIS NEW ALBUM?!? You IDIOT!!! You’re lucky Chris Martin didn’t telepathically make your head explode, he can do that you know.

Fuck you Chris Martin, fuck you!